Search For the Next Doll, Episode 1: Sick To My Stomach

Lady and gentleman, welcome to the premiere of an eight-week session of self-imposed torture.

First of all, how about a little Pussycat Dolls history? Founded in 1995 as a Los Angeles burlesque dance group by Robin Antin... oh, forget it. Let's just get this over with.

The show's host/useless hot guy and Sugar Ray lead Mark McGrath welcomes us to the Warner Grand. He then drops to his knees and begs that we don't change the channel. Oh, wait, he doesn't? Uh, just forget that, then. Over the next eight weeks, some more useful people will find the one girl who embodies what it means to be a Pussycat Doll. You mean a hot girl with marginal talent and an inexplicable ability to sell CDs to shallow fans? Sarcastic great.

Next, we see just a few auditions. We see some girls sound pretty good, though not American Idol good. We see some girls set the women's rights movement back 20 years. Here's a hint, girls: buy your clothes from shops that sell clothes. Eighteen girls got a call back, and nine of them will move to the actual show, ANTM-style, to compete for a spot in the Pussycat Dolls (whom I will henceforth call PCD, short for "Programmed Cell Death").

As the top 18 go ga-ga over Mark, he explains that the auditions are not quite over. Over the next few days, they'll receive coaching in voice and dance. After the final audition, nine girls will be left to compete for a spot in this "band." Mark then instructs the girls to go to the hotel and grab a bite to eat. Just one? That sounds like a lot.

Let's meet a few of the girls, shall we? Jasmin (19 from Orlando) calls this a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Natascha (19 from New York City) believes the PCD are an influence to her generation. Melissa S. (24 from Detroit) thought of the Dolls as "fly" when she first saw them. I'm sure many guys thought of their own fly when they first saw them.

As the girls look for their room keys, Brittany (20 from Virginia Beach) confesses her beliefs of the PCD as role models for female empowerment. She never needed a man for anything. Anjelia (20 from Toms River, New Jersey) wants to be a PCD because performing is her favorite thing ever. While the girls get their one bite to eat, some girl realizes that one of the girls there will become a Pussycat Doll. What, did she think she was auditioning for BeForU? Sandra (27 from Sherman Oaks, California), sits alone and painfully recalls her parents and brother dying in a plane crash when she was 14. This incident inspired her to live her life to the fullest and never to pass up opportunities. Brittany meets up with Asia (18 from Mt. Vernon, New York), who has been performing since she was six. She is also a mother, so she has experienced people doubting her.

As the day progresses, Anjelia proves she can burp louder than anyone else by belching "Pussycat Dolls" and freaking out all the other girls. Henceforth, I shall dub thee Belchelia. Sisely (24 from Long Beach, California) believes being one of the older girls will give her a maturity advantage. We shall see, Sisely.

The girls meet up with PCD creator Robin Antin. Jaime (20 from New York City) admires Robin as an icon. Robin splits the girls into three groups of six, each group getting a different PCD song to perform in four days. Naturally, Robin will choose the nine girls who will attend "PCD Boot Camp." She also introduces music director John Beasley and co-choreographer Mikey Minden. The groups are:

"Buttons": Asia, Ewa (pronounced EH-va), Kelly, Jaime, Sandra, and Melissa R. (18 from Cypress, California), whose audition is a big risk, seeing how her parents are both doctors.

"I Don't Need a Man" (henceforth known as IDNAM, which unfortunately doesn't stand for anything else): Jasmin, Natascha, Robin (not Antin), Belchelia, Anastacia, and Chelsea (20 from Cooper City, Florida), who is intimidated by the other girls. She used to be an "ogre," weighing up to 192 pounds, which made her sit alone at the lunch table. If that's true, then Cooper City could be a candidate for "Most Shallow Community."

"Hot Stuff": Mariela, Katherine, Brittany, Sisely, Melissa S., and Shauntae (21 from Minneapolis), who once lived in a car with her mother. All her clothes and shoes were in a Tupperware box. Eh, I've already filled my "burp joke" quota for the month.

Robin advises the girls not just practice the songs, but live and breathe the songs. Do the girls have THAT good of insurance? Belchelia takes this advice to heart, knowing this is her one chance.

Hot Stuff practices their dancing while pretending to sing into water bottles. Mikey shows the girls some moves. Melissa S. knows Mikey is gay, but still finds something sexy about him. Whereas no one finds me sexy, whether they're a girl, guy, or leg-loving dog. Mariela (24 from Miami, not Ohio) has classical ballet training, so she hopes her dancing can take her where her singing can't. I'm smelling tone-deaf here. She's a shoe-in for the Top 9! Sisely quit her punk band to be here because she wants to sing and dance at the same time. Going from punk to PCD? This is a disaster in the making, folks, so she's also a shoe-in!

Mariela likes how Robin split the girls into groups. This shows whether each girl is trying to work with the others or stand out and shine at their expense. Shauntae wants to make her mother proud in return for all of the sacrifices Mom made, but Mikey isn't liking her dancing. He advises her to look at the others and take cues from them.