American Idol 6, March 13: Stop! In the Name of Love

Your regularly scheduled recapper Betsy is without the Internet for the time being (we told her to bribe the repair guys with cookies, but how were we supposed to know they were all on a diet?), so you’re stuck with me both for the performances tonight and the results tomorrow. Sorry or congratulations, whichever best suits you.

We start out with a montage of past winners, hit makers, and award winners. Ryan says the show is giving the top 12 singers “the best platform in the history of television.” Way to pat yourselves on the back, Idol. Ryan, for some reason, has two lapel mics and a hand-held one. Nice sound system there. He tells us the band is bigger this year, and they get to play a little. Strings! Awesome. Ryan says the live audience is “massive,” but it’s about as big as my high school auditorium.

The top 12 make their entrances, looking hot and not that nervous. Once again, I love Jordin’s dress – and she gets the anchor spot! Ryan intros the judges. I think Paula is already asleep. Ryan asks Randy how the guys will do right alongside the girls. He thinks they’ll bring their game, but they need to be in it to win it. Paula thinks there’s a lot of variety and the guys are ready to come into their own. Simon says this stage changes everyone; it will make them or break them.

Tonight is Diana Ross night, and Ryan says she’s the most successful recording artist of all time. Ryan sounds like Donald Trump tonight. I tune out during Diana’s intro package. She and her wacky hair visit the top 12 singers on stage, and she interviews that she had great mentors in her career, such as her mother and Berry Gordy. She tells the singers she’s not their critic, she’s their guide. She wants them to be able to have a career as long as she’s had one. Diana says she’s really enjoyed this experience; she’s a parent, and mentoring is part of parenting. She wants the singers to leave here and have a fulfilling life.

The theme tonight is how Diana Ross is awesome. Brandon starts off by heaping praise on Diana. She says she likes him a lot and said he grew up on “Can’t Hurry Love.” Diana says it’s a real Motown song. Brandon enjoys having a superstar tell him he’s good. Diana is amazed by the amount of work the singers have to put into this. She encourages Brandon to return to his center to control his nerves.

Brandon sings “Can’t Hurry Love.” He starts off a little shaky, but on the chorus, it’s a little more solid. And yet, it’s boring. His voice is fine, but the performance is just… there. Even the Elvis-like hip wiggling doesn’t help. Of course, it also doesn’t help that he forgets the words at one point. Eee, David Boreanaz is in the audience! Oh, and Emily Deschanel, too, but she wasn’t in Angel or Buffy, so I don’t care.

Randy: Randy gets boos for saying exactly what I said. Brandon didn’t pull it out until the end of the song.

Paula: It’s not easy to do this, and nerves play a big part in this. (Though if he’s nervous now, what will happen when he goes on tour?) Brandon doesn’t need to hear what he does wrong because he does a lot right.

Simon: It was a complete letdown and was a predictable version and arrangement. Also, the dancing was terrible. Brandon seemed like a background singer for a background singer. It was unoriginal and nowhere near good enough.

Ryan asks if Brandon thought it was going his way. He did, until he forgot the words. Ryan asks if he should blame the stage. Brandon says it’s just amazing to be out there with the crowd cheering. They’ve had a crowd there for weeks. Just saying. Ryan gives him another out by noting that he went first. Brandon says he’ll try to do better next time.

Melinda and her cute dress sit with Ryan as he gives the sponsors some money. Someone wants to know what Melinda thinks is the hardest part of the contest. Melinda says it’s the high heels and dresses – she likes sweatpants and tennis shoes. Hee. Ryan asks for Simon’s advice on high heels. “You should know, Ryan,” Simon sings. “Stay out of my closet,” Ryan responds. “Come out,” Simon says. “This is about the top 12, not your wishes,” Ryan replies. Round one to Ryan, who renders Simon speechless for once.

Melinda is “an old-school Motown girl at heart,” so it’s great for her to meet Diana. Diana seems just as happy to meet her. Melinda thinks her song is perfect for what’s going on right now. Diana thinks the audience will believe her when she starts singing. She says she gets goosebumps when Melinda sings. Whether or not Melinda wins, she’ll persevere.

Melinda’s song is “Home” from The Wiz. It really does fit her situation: “Suddenly the world has changed its face / But I still know where I’m going.” Listen, I’m just going to give Melinda the crown right now and say to heck with the rest of the season. How can she not win? She’s just excellent.

Randy: Randy isn’t sure this was his favorite performance, but it was strong and he thinks the girls are already in the lead.

Paula: Paula, who’s sobbing, says that she can feel what Melinda’s feeling. She’s very excited for her because this is it for her.

Simon: Randy asks if Simon is at a loss for words; he says he’s sneezing. Then he asks why Melinda is crying. Um, because she’s happy? Paula makes Simon laugh, but he manages to tell Melinda that she spiced up a boring song. She reminds him of a young Gladys Knight.

Ryan calls Melinda back to the side of the stage and says she seems to be in sensory overload. She can barely talk and says she doesn’t even remember her performance. Ryan asks Paula what she felt. Paula says she felt like she had an out-of-body experience. Ryan lets Melinda know that’s how she’s feeling and says it’s good, since she doesn’t like her dress. The joke about Paula and out-of-body experiences just writes itself, doesn’t it?