Search for America’s Next Top Model the Next Doll, Episode 2

Previously on The Start of a Perfectly Good Waste of Tyler’s Tuesdays, 18 Pussykittens had to complete one last audition. Half started coughing up hairballs and whatever else they ate, and another half (though thankfully not the other half) officially made the finals. Only one can become a full-fledged Pussycat. Let the unnecessary feline puns begin!

This show must want to be a complete rip-off of America’s Next Top Model, because the nine finalists move into a pad Tyra Banks would be proud of. There are PCD signs and posters everywhere. As an equivalent to ANTM’s runway, the pad has its own dance studio. In actuality, this is the same house used for ANTM4, according to Wikipedia. Trust that at your own risk.

Anastacia and Brittany say something about the house kicking butt and/or their dreams coming true, but luckily my ADD kicks in and I forget what they’re saying. Oh, just find quotes from ANTM contestants. They, too, are basically identical.

Robin Antin, the woman who somehow thought PCD was a good idea, meets with the girls and lets them in on what will be happening during the seven-week boot camp. They will be learning new songs and new dances and the one girl who learns the best will become a Pussycat Doll. The property of duh will be working a lot this season.

The girls’ next task is to scream fanatically while they check out the rest of their new digs. It’s the Pussycat Dollhouse, so expect a lot of pink and a lot of “attitude.” I do like the sitting areas built right into the wall, but I could live without the heart-shaped mirrors. Asia, the 18-year-old mother, appreciates this opportunity despite being away from her daughter. How many of these “spending time away from my children” spiels do we reality television fans have to hear before we can recite them verbatim?

Jaime, who has the slightly more original trait of growing up in a “skinny row home,” doesn’t know what to do in so much space. The girls claim their beds without any Monique-ian trouble, though one of the interchangeable girls makes one of the beds smell like socks. Slightly grossed out yay.

The show presents its reading-not-required equivalent to ANTM’s Tyra Mail. Instead of reading a card, they simply play a video of the PCD saying redundancies about someone winning a spot in the group and some actually useful advice about confidence. The once overweight Chelsea also says stuff we’ve heard before.

The hopefuls meet with Robin in the dance studio. The first challenge will be all about confidence. I have confidence, too, but it’s not exactly the positive kind. PCD Jessica shows up, receives expected excitement from the girls, and gives them each a flower.

After more uttering of the word “confidence,” Jon and Mikey show up. It’s only then we actually hear something useful – the assignment. The girls will be performing at the Pussycats Doll Lounge on the Sunset Strip. Maybe they’ll stop by Studio 60 and get pointers on how to get cancelled. The girls will be square-rooted into three groups of three. After two days of rehearsal and a performance, one girl will be tossed aside like an old rag doll. The groups are:

“Crazy In Love”: Asia, Chelsea, and Melissa S., who respects Knicks Girl Asia’s talent, but not so much Chelsea’s. We’ve been hearing a lot from and about Chelsea. Or maybe it’s just the foreshadowing fairies floating around my ears.

“Pon De Replay”: Anastacia, Melissa R., and Sisely, who knows Pon De Repetitive is a difficult song for a white girl from a punk band.

“1, 2 Step”: Mariela, Brittany, and Jaime, who is worried about losing her voice due to the recent sickness.

We witness 1, 2 Step at vocal practice first. Eric Dawkins, who is getting more screen time than Jon What’s-His-Cue-Ball, advises each girl to sound great individually, not just as a group. Thank whomever you believe in that the girls have two days to practice. They are awful right now. Jaime’s raspy voice needs two days to rest, not two days to audition. If she kicks it at the performance, I will genuinely be surprised.

Over at Crazy In Love’s dance practice, Chelsea is putting the “uh oh” into “uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no.” Asia and Melissa are shaking their booties like a martini mixer, with Asia especially making James Bond proud. Chelsea can’t even get her booty stirring. She doesn’t like Mikey’s harshness, but she’s working on her dancing. She had better, because Mikey says she looks unconfident. Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no, indeed.

Pon De Replay’s Anastacia repeats Sisely’s sentiments about the difficulty of the song. Sisely especially is having trouble learning the lyrics. It’s not her style, but Sisely is going to have as much fun as she can. I am having as much fun as I can, and let me tell you this – it’s not much.

1, 2 Step still sounds pathetic. Jaime keeps messing up the same note, and Brittany recognizes her as the weakest link. Is this show over yet?

Practice seems to be over or on break for Crazy In Love. In the kitchen, Melissa S. gives Chelsea some kind words. Chelsea doesn’t like them and claims Melissa is fake and getting on her nerves. Way to return a compliment, Miss Edited to Go Home. Melissa continues trying to help Chelsea feel better, and Chelsea continues mocking Melissa. To be fair, Melissa did say Chelsea wasn’t a good dancer. Then again, that is true.

1, 2 Step shifts to dancing, which definitely goes smoother than the singing. Mikey notices Brittany’s confidence, and Brittany is confident that she is the whole package. Careful that your confidence doesn’t morph into cockiness, because Mikey says “her confidence makes her dance like a striperella.” Yep, he’s definitely a white Ms. J. He wants to push Brittany away from being constantly sexy. Isn’t that the point of PCD? Brittany says she worked as a go-go dancer and basically blows Mikey off.

Brittany talks to her mom on the phone in another ANTM-inspired room. She’s frustrated at the difficulty of the entire ordeal. I guess she though becoming a PCD would be easy. I thought they were easy, too. I mean, to join.

Crazy In Love is practicing their moves in the living room. Or rather, Asia and Melissa are practicing. Chelsea walks in and is upset that she’s left out. She says it’s a group project, but they’re not treating her as a member of the group because she’s not a trained dancer. Sorry, Chel, but I didn’t see you voluntarily join in. I’m sure they want you to practice as much as possible because you need it.

Eric talks with Jaime about her confidence, the operative word of the episode. Jaime says everyone has his or her insecurities. She never really talks about losing her voice. Still, Jaime is not confident about her confidence, which makes me reconsider Chelsea’s destiny as this episode’s eliminated Doll wannabe.

Jaime heads back to the bedrooms to practice singing with Mariela. Jaime “ad libs” a little, and Mariela laughs and loves it. Jaime gives the “feeding off each other” spiel that has doomed so many reality show contestants. Mariela says that in a group, you have to empower each other and keep everyone’s confidence up. I like Mariela.

Robin tells the girls to get ready in an hour because she and Mikey are taking the girls out to dinner. Cue franticness. Asia curls up Jaime’s hair, hoping to help her. Hopefully this boosts Jaime’s confidence enough to keep her around and boot Chelsea.