Celebrity Fit Club: Men vs. Women, Episode 3 – Celebrity Quit Club

It’s day 29, and the celebs arrive at Long Beach Marine Stadium in, naturally, Long Beach, California. The Fit Camp challenge is special because it’s sponsored by a particular brand of bottled water. The challenge is a one-on-one kayak race. Best of four wins, with a tiebreaker in the case of a 2-2. Based on Olympic kayak records, the women will get a 30-meter head start. The prize is a trip to Hawaii! I could go into detail, but it’s Hawaii. That’s all you need to know. Maureen acts like she’s never been to Hawaii before. Wait, were the Brady Bunch Hawaii episodes not really filmed in Hawaii? There goes my Nick at Nite memories. [Assistant Editor’s note: Google says they were filmed in Hawaii, so I don’t know what Maureen’s deal is.]

The first race is between Maureen McCormick and Warren G. Maureen does well early on, but she doesn’t go around the flag like she’s supposed to, so she has to go back. Warren easily wins the first point for The Regulators. Maureen is extremely discouraged after that blunder. Tiffany hopes to tie things up by beating Ross the Intern. Unfortunately, the turn also spells doom for Tiffany. She can’t make the turn and loses control, the lead, and her cool. She’s using more bleeps than a Jerry Springer guest. Anyway, Ross also wins easily.

Oh, joy. The third race is Kimberley Locke vs. Dustin “Screech” Diamond. Harvey yells, “No pressure, Kimberley, but you must win.” I wonder what he really means by that. The race is on, and Screech quickly cuts Kim’s head start in half. They approach the turn at the same time, and it’s starting to look like a Screech victory. However, Kim paddles up a storm and wins big. Yay! Screech lets “the big girl” celebrate, suggesting that she eat “cake and Ho-Hos.” This guy gives me a migraine.

The final regulation race is Da Brat vs. Cledus T. Judd. Despite some more difficulty with the turn, Brat easily outraces Cledus, forcing a tiebreaker. Maureen hopes to redeem herself against Warren and send the Shady Lady Bunch to Hawaii. This time, Maureen still has a good lead on Warren even after the turn. However, she loses momentum afterwards. Maybe if she wasn’t holding the paddle backwards. Warren catches up and wins by a hair. The Regulators are going to Hawaii.

It is now day 30. The celebs arrive at the CWAP room, and ANT gives the obligatory panel introduction. ANT then asks the men how winning a trip to Hawaii feels. Cledus speaks about Maureen, how she was an icon to him growing up and how she felt terrible after Fit Camp the previous day. Therefore, Cledus gives Maureen his trip to Hawaii. Aw, how nice!

Beach-bound Maureen is first. Last time, she weighed 139 pounds and received a target weight loss of 4 lbs. She loses another 7 pounds this week to weigh in at 132 lbs. Way to go, Mo! So far, she has lost 18 lbs., which is 12% of her starting weight. Her original goal was to lose 25 lbs., so she’s only 7 lbs. away.

Ian asks if Maureen wants to revise her original goal. Maureen asks to drop to 118 lbs. (an overall total of 32 lbs.), and Ian thinks it’s perfect. Stacy notices water in Maureen’s eyes and asks what’s up with that. Maureen is still upset for letting her team down at Fit Camp. Brat keeps telling her to let it go, but Maureen the perfectionist just can’t. She is also very touched from Cledus’ gesture, though she feels bad about taking his trip. Cledus corrects her – she didn’t take the trip, he gave it to her. Harvey gives Maureen a modest 3-lb. target for the next weigh-in.

Ross, currently in second place with 7% weight loss, is next. Last time, he weighed 199 lbs. and received a target of 4 lbs. This time, Ross weighs 198 lbs. Ross only lost a pound, and he’s bummed. He thought it would be two. I really like this guy! He won’t complain, though, since he’s already lost 16 lbs. Ian explains the “shock” effect, where the body doesn’t want to lose any more weight after losing so much already. Also, Ross didn’t eat the snacks he was supposed to. Ross admits that the snack order surprised him. He was all, “What you talking ‘bout, Willis?” I really like this guy!

Stacy brings up a frantic phone call Ross made. Ross reveals that he thought his bathroom scale was broken. He went to the store, pulled out a bunch of scales, and tested them to see how accurate they were. During that call, Stacy told Ross to throw away his scale, which he did. This is about beating “Fat Ross” up and fitting him into a 32.

Harvey segues Ross’ segment into a flashback. To further encourage Ross to exercise, Harvey gave him an iPod drill session. After listening to a line, Ross tells another gym-goer that Harvey is behind him with a hundred German shepherds ready to “eat his ass.” Ha and ew! The Harvey-cast seems to work, as Ross pumps up the volume and works up a good sweat. Afterwards, iHarvey gives Ross some relaxing music. Back at the weigh-in, the real Harvey gives Ross another 4-lb. target.

Cledus steps up to the CWAP. Last time, he weighed 202 lbs. and received a target of 4 lbs. Cledus does the target one better, losing 5 lbs. to weigh in at 197 lbs. Good job, Cledus! Stacy knows that giving Maureen his trip was not just out of kindness. Cledus also has an immense fear of flying. He recalls an incident where he was thrown back into the coffee pot section, broke a rib, etc. Before that, he was just fine in airplanes. Now, he can’t muster up the courage to board a plane to see his daughter, and that really hurts him. Stacy hopes for the best, but also recognizes how well Cledus has done with the weight loss so far. Harvey is also proud of Cledus, and he assigns a 4-lb. target for Mr. Judd.

It’s Screech’s turn. Oh, boy. As we remember, Screech asked for more camera time to get some stuff off his chest. And he had a lot of stuff on his chest. The whole cast gets to watch the tape. Among the stuff we heard last week, Screech also claims everyone is competing for camera time because this is, after all, a TV show. He calls everyone else “retarded.” He wants to show them “reality,” but doesn’t think they are “smart, intelligent, and mature enough.”

He claims if you say anything negative about Brat’s “gangsta” personality, she’ll fight you. He says Cledus’ “buying food then leaving it to rot” is “weird.” When he gets to calling Kim a “big girl,” Brat just gets up and walks off the disbelief. Screech claims no one would watch if this show just had eight nobodies like Kim. After that, ANT reveals that there was worse. I guess they didn’t show it, fearing Screech’s words would kill puppies.

Screech stands by everything that he said without apology. Brat asks Screech not to call Kim a fat loser, especially not off to the side. If he has something to say, say it to them outright. Kim vows not to respond at all. ANT knows better, since her eyes are saying it all. To me, her left eye is saying “baseball bat,” and her right is saying some kind of ball. I’m not really good at reading faces, though.