Celebrity Fit Club: Men vs. Women, Episode 7 – Back in Bleech

Last week on Fit-Free Meals, there was no new episode of Celebrity Fit Club. I ended up watching a countdown of the most “softastic” soft rock songs. Thank whoever that the show is back!

Two weeks ago on What a Wonderful Screech-Free World, Screech didn’t show up for Fit Camp or the weigh-in. He still spewed some faux-zen, but otherwise the world was a better place.

Which is why he had to return. It’s day 85, and all of the tolerable celebs arrive at the Orange Show BMX track in San Bernardino, California. As they get ready for the Fit Camp challenge, Harvey comes to tell Cledus and Tiffany that Screech is indeed returning. Soon all of the celebs learn of the return, and no one is happy about it. Even Ross asks for a Xanax, while Tiffany feels sentenced to death. Remember when they said that they want Screech back? Liars! Still, can you blame them?

Indeed, Screech arrives, and the producers feel it fit to put evil-sounding techno music in the background. Ross and Maureen try to talk with their teammate, but all Screech can offer is more faux-zen. Oh, and he also says that he’s hacking and wheezing. Isn’t Weezing a Pokemon? You know, those cartoonish caricatures of real-world creatures that battle everything in sight and end up being more annoying than entertaining?

It’s time for Fit Camp, and since they’re at a BMX course, I’m guessing the challenge involves origami. There will be four heats of racing through the bumpy (to put it lightly) bike course, two each for the men and the women. First place in each heat receives 4 points for their team, second place receives 3 points, and so on. The team with the most points at the end of the heats wins. Each member will receive a fancy hot tub with a CD player and a fancy barbeque grill with a nightlight. Hooray.

Before the races, the celebs try out the course and test their bike skills. In Screech’s case, it’s a lack thereof. While the Regulators in blue are cheering for the worthless Screech, his fellow red Athletes are concerned about him losing the challenge for the team. He claims to be suffering a head cold. I’m suffering a headache listening to him again. Why couldn’t he just quit? Why couldn’t the show just get rid of him? Oh, right. Ratings. Yay.

The men race first, and Warren and Cledus of the Regulators get an early lead. Screech, on the other hand, falls waaaaaaaaaay back. Ross can’t catch up for the Athletes, so the Regulators win 7 points to the Athletes’ 3.

The women race next. At first, it looks like Tiffany might earn some good points for her team. But then she takes a nasty fall and eats the blue team’s dust. Maureen can’t catch up for Tiffany, so the score is now 14 to 6. Ross tells Tiffany that the spill “looked really cool.” She laughs, so at least there’s a little consolation.

In order for the Athletes to stay alive, Screech and Ross must place first and second. We all know that’s not going to happen. However, the reason may be Screech not racing in the first place. He’s trying to weasel out a sick pass from the paramedics, claiming he’ll pass out if he races. No one is buying it. Ross and Harvey remind Screech that if he doesn’t race, his team loses automatically. Of course, they’ll lose if he does race, but no one mentions that.

Anyway, the men are off on their second heat. Well, three of them are. Screech is barely even trying. He obviously waits until the others leave the gate before even mounting his bike correctly. As Cledus and Warren win the hot tubs and grills, Screech gives up halfway through, citing more BS excuses to keep Cledus’ victory from stealing his thunder. Does anyone have sympathy for this guy? Ross kept hoping for Screech to turn in a fairy tale ending, but Screech is more grim than fairy tale.

Fast forward to day 86 for the weigh-in ceremony. ANT, new daddy Dr. Ian, Stacy, Harvey, and the CWAP await all eight celebs, seven gleefully. The eighth is wearing a shirt with “Star of the Show” boldly printed on it. Does anyone have any sympathy for this guy? Asked about Screech’s influence on the Athletes’ chances of winning, Ross feels that Screech’s absence and lack of respect were a “slap in the face” to the team. Tiffany is also worried about Screech’s progress. Screech claims to have “peace in his soul.” Maureen is “in for a long night.”

Let’s just get to the weigh-ins. First up is Kimberley Locke. Last time, she weighed 155 lbs. and received a weight-loss target of 4 lbs. Kim steps on the CWAP, and receives a 151-lb. readout. That’s a 4-lb. loss, by golly! To date, Kim has lost 25 lbs. Although the show doesn’t say it, I figure Kim’s weight-loss percentage to be 14.2%. Kim admits to enjoying beating the red team, if only because Screech was back. Now, she is focused on winning the grand prize for her team. Since Kim is just 3 lbs. away from her overall weight-loss goal, her final target will be those 3 lbs. within these last two weeks.

Next up is Ross “the Intern” Mathews, looking pretty spiffy. More on that later. Last time, Ross weighed 181 lbs. and set a 3-lb. target for himself. However, Ross’s body wasn’t content with that number, so it lost 4 lbs. to weigh in at 177 lbs. Nice! Overall, Ross has lost 37 lbs., which is 17.3% of his starting weight.

As soon as Stacy recalls Ross using his “blazer as a shield,” we go into flashback mode. With a much trimmer body, Ross must bid adieu to his collection of large shirts. They all have floral print, ranging from “office luau” to “Don Ho on acid.”

Ross meets with Ricci DeMartino, a designer who worked with such stars as Lisa Kudrow and Courteney Cox. What, no Jennifer Aniston? As Ross tries on a different number of outfits, ranging from “not bad” to “too ugly for Sanjaya,” he says working with a celebrity designer is probably anyone’s top dream aside from world peace. Finally, he picks the outfit he wore to the weigh-in. Incidentally, I believe this is the same outfit he wore to the Kentucky Derby for a Tonight Show bit. Anyway, Ross wants to lose an overall total of 40 lbs., so he’ll aim to lose 3 lbs. for the final weigh-in.

As we see the celebs try on designer jeans at The Stronghold (seriously, what makes jeans “designer”?), Da Brat and her “badonkadonk” jeans get ready to weigh in. After a weight gain last time, Brat weighed 154 lbs. Her target was to lose 5 lbs. This week, Brat weighs 151 lbs. It’s not 5 lbs., but she’s happy with a 3-lb. loss, contributing to a 12.2% drop from her starting weight. Still, Brat is wondering why all of her exercising isn’t helping. Then she reveals that her diet includes “a few drinks here and there.”

With Brat’s shortcomings on the ropes course, Harvey introduced Brat to another high-flying activity – the trampoline. I love trampolines! At first, Brat’s not feeling the same love. It takes some 360s and hip drops to convince her. At the end, she sends up Harvey by yelling, “Get off your butt and do it, grasshopper!” Ha ha! Brat’s final target is a much less funny 6 lbs.