Big Brother 8 Finale: Evel vs. Evel Spawn

Previously on How Does it Feel to Be a National Joke, Dick?: 14 people moved into the Big Brother house, and now two of them - who were originally part of the “enemies” twist - are vying for the title of last houseguest standing. I’m not recapping the whole “this summer on Big Brother thing; y’all are smart and know it really doesn’t matter that much.

Hey, have you heard that we’re live? Do you care? Didn’t think so. Tonight either Daniele or Dick will win $500,000, and the jury members will learn that Eric was America’s Player. BUT FIRST, how did the jury members react when Zach joined them and they realized that they’ll have to vote for either Dick or Daniele to win?

The jurors gather outside their house. Dustin says he’d love to see either Dick or Daniele, but he’d least like to see Zach. The others agree. Jen would love to see Dick there because he’s the worst person she’s ever met and he doesn’t deserve to win even $50,000. As she’s talking, Zach arrives. “Awwww,” everyone says. Dustin tells him they didn’t want to see him. Eric tells him he would have won six to one. “What are we going to do?” Dustin asks. “We have to pick between those two.” Exactly.

In the jury house diary room, Eric gets his assignment to campaign and vote for Dick. He tells America we’ve chosen wisely. Shut up, Eric. He tells the others they have to choose the lesser of two evils. Zach notes that everyone has been personally attacked by Dick; not giving him the win, it’ll send a message. Dustin agrees that giving him the prize will reinforce his behavior. Eric argues that Dick had a strategy and didn’t break any rules. However, Daniele was a “sniveling little baby.” Jen says that’s why she nominated them both in week two, and they’re all dumb for not voting them out earlier. She can never condone Dick’s behavior. Amber says Jen called a truce and it’s embarrassing for her to base her decision on something personal now.

Eric reminds everyone the discussion is about who deserves to win. He thinks it’s Dick because he targeted the right people. Daniele’s strategy was basically letting Dick carry her to the end. Jen simply things Dick should lose because he’s a jerk. Dustin wonders if they can look past his personal attacks and compare the final two’s games. Zach says Daniele was a great competitor - look at her veto wins. Dustin reiterates that. Eric tries to get the conversation back on Dick, pointing out that he was also competitive. Amber notes that he played for two people and got them both to the end. Amber? Do you remember ANYTHING Dick said to this summer?

Jessica doesn’t think Daniele is any better than Dick. She did a lot, just quieter. Jessica thinks Daniele got away with a lot. Zach says Dick was the guard dog and Daniele was holding the leash. She would make a call and Dick would go along with it. Jameka hilariously says Dick was the pimp and Daniele was the ho. Hee. Dustin says it’s down to Evel and Evel Spawn. Hee again.

Janelle is in the audience. Whatever.

Back to the jury. They glare at Dick and Daniele on a TV screen. Dustin greets them and congratulates them for getting what they wanted. He reminds Dick that Daniele said she’d love to carry him with her to the final two because she’d win. Dick says it’s still great to be there because they had such a hard game. He doesn’t think anyone carried anyone and notes that they made it all the way together.

Amber asks Daniele why she should vote for her after she practically cuckolded Kris. Daniele says her personal life has nothing to do with the game, and if Amber’s going to base her vote on that, Daniele doesn’t want her vote. Yeah, right.

Jessica wants to know who Dick would have in the final two with him other than Daniele. Dick says he’d never considered anyone else, and he’s never lied to Jessica. She calls bull on that and says she’s faced with a touch decision.

Eric notes that Dick has slandered everyone on the jury, and now he wants Dick to give reasons for why each jury member deserves to be in the final two. Dick ignores him and says Dustin, Jen, and Amber don’t deserve to be there. Jessica made some good moves as HOH, but she also didn’t want to get her hands dirty. Eric was the best player in the game. Jameka had the chance to stay in the game longer than they’d planned, and she appreciates that. Zach almost got to the final two, so I guess that means that he almost deserves to be there. So… thanks for answering?

Zach asks both Dick and Daniele what they’ve learned from each jury member and will take with them out of the house. Daniele will take Eric’s sense of humor, Jessica’s happiness, and Amber’s huge heart and maternal instincts. Dick has learned from Dustin to be careful with over-confidence, from Jen that there’s always a real person inside people who don’t act like… there is one… I don’t know what he’s saying. Jameka is… I don’t know, cool? I don’t know what he learned there. Zach taught Dick not to underestimate people’s wills and hearts.

Jameka asks Daniele what her biggest move was in the game apart from anything Dick did. Daniele says “the whole Eric thing” was all her, as well as backdooring Jen.

Jen says she doesn’t respect either Dick or Daniele but has to vote for one of them. She asks Dick if this experience has helped him build his relationship with Daniele. I think she just doesn’t care and threw away a question there, but who can blame her? Dick babbles about their relationship and I totally tune out. Does anyone care anymore? He’s not saying anything we haven’t heard before. The jury is totally tuned out, too. They’re so mad.

Daniele says she never would have thought she and Dick would work this well together. There’s no one she would rather be sitting there with. She’s fine with the jury members doing whatever they think is best. Dick says he’s played the game hard from the beginning; he couldn’t fly under the radar. His deal with Eric when Dustin was on the block completely changed the game. He feels the worst about turning on Eric and Jessica. Yeah, I bet. Dick did a lot of the dirty work, but it had to be done.

After the link the jury members is severed, Daniele tells Dick his speech was crappy. She doesn’t want to campaign for her to win. Dick looks like he’s thinking, “Can I never say anything right to her?” Nope.

Julie welcomes the jury to the studio/yard. Whoever dressed Amber should be fired. Chicken George is in the audience. Woo-hoo? Dick feels great. Daniele also feels great. Thanks for sharing!