Survivor: China, Episode 1 Missing Intelligence Award – Like, Oh My, Like, God, Like, Wow

Like, I’m just not, like, into people that, like, you know, like, do things and like, you know, like know things, and like, well, I’m like, a city girl and like we just like don’t stuff like that.

Good. Freaking. God. Welcome to a new season of Survivor and a new season of listening to me decide who lost the most intelligence on an episode in a manner in which it will negatively impact their ability to function within the constraints of the game for much longer. When your intelligence goes MIA, I’m here to give you an MIA!

We’ll have a slightly different format this season, however, because I start grad school on top of my full-time job and my full-time children and my other much-loved hobby, and I just might be a tad busy! I will try to write an MIA every week, but sometimes, I might go MIA, and in those cases, I’ll wrap up a few episodes into one smashing article and do the smackdown that way.

All that said, let’s get down to business, shall we?

Starting off the season, I already have quite a few people that I am less than warm-and-fuzzy towards, and like, Courtney is one of them. From her “I’m so New York it HURTS to be this much better than everyone” attitude to her abundant use of “like” to her ridiculously childish, immature, stupid lack of respect for the opening ceremony and others around her, I want her gone. Totally. Like, seriously. But, she doesn’t earn the Missing Intelligence Award this time. Of course, I am not convinced she even came with any intelligence to go missing. Time will tell.

I liked Aaron much more than I thought I would, but it’s only the first episode. We’ll see! Oh, and the gravedigger? Yum. Even better in motion than I expected. Plus, he just seems kinda sweet. Lunch lady crying over her family before even a day had gone by was a bit much, so I’m expecting a meltdown from her eventually.

Frosti impressed me, and I hope to see great things from him as the season progresses. He was enthusiastic without being too much, and he was a go-getter without being a bossy leader.

That would be unlike Peih-Gee. Wow. Could anyone else totally hear Sylvia from last season in her voice? I always agree that a team needs to pull together and work (and why is there always one team that doesn’t? It’s so bizarre), but you really need to be flexible with it too. She was unable to be flexible, and got so stressed over the state of the camp and the loss that she just couldn’t handle and just wanted it fixed. I can relate to and understand that feeling, but she let it push her over the edge early on, and that’s not a good sign.

When she did try to get things done, she got bossy quick, which will rub tons of people wrong. Fortunately, Ashley and Chicken put targets on their backs for this Tribal Council, and bartender-aged model dude put one on his along with her for leadership stuff from here on out, so she has three more days and some other targets. We’ll see if she uses them wisely or if she ends up back here with me!

I haven’t seen enough of Jean-Robert to decide on his skills and if they live up to my expectations. I’m worried he’ll be TOO overconfident and think, “Oh, I’m a pro at reading people so this is a snap,” and have it bite him in his ass. His conversation with Todd was a bit strange to me.

Speaking of yappy dog, he played a pretty good game last night, so perhaps he’ll keep his yappiness toned down. I still have a feeling his natural exuberance will overwhelm him and others around him, however.

We saw a bit less of quite a few of the players last night than I would have liked, but you could totally take Miss “I’m not religious but I have a personal relationship with Christ” off my screen entirely, and I would thank God, or the gods, or the spirits, or whatever entity is responsible for it! Yes, Mark Burnett, I am offering to worship you more than I already do in exchange for ridding us of the uber-disrespectful Leslie.

I have no problem with people having faith. I’m all for it. I don’t mind people having religion or not having religion or whatever. Seriously. What I do mind are people who are so insecure in their beliefs that they feel a need to either force their beliefs on others (honestly, don’t pray for me to “find” something unless it’s a winning lottery ticket) or who cannot handle other people’s beliefs, mores, and/or rituals.

Jeff Probst made it very clear the opening ritual was a welcome to the lands, a tradition, and not a religious experience. In short, Leslie, there was no need to get all wigged out. No one was threatening your religion, your beliefs, your “inner core,” or whatever (only you can threaten them, so if you were feeling worried or upset, the problem is in your soul, not the ceremony).

You weren’t some strong paragon of Christian values by walking out of that ceremony. You were the epitome of disrespect and intolerance that infests this world. I know and respect plenty of Christians who would have easily been able to show courtesy and respect and do that ceremony, without feeling their beliefs were threatened. You and Courtney need to go sit on the backseat of the Survivor bus, or ride in cargo or something, for immense disrespect of another’s culture.

Leslie, you get an honorable mention for a Missing Intelligence Award. Not for your intolerance, but because people with your level of inflexibility combined with religious fervor tend to run roughshod over fellow team members and do poorly. Your conversation with James kept this from being the winning MIA, because you actually did show some game play and flexibility there, so perhaps not all is lost. I just don’t see you lasting long, especially if you pull a Joanna and get worried about the immunity idol’s presence or something, which doesn’t seem so far-fetched based off the opening ceremony.

The winner for last night’s Missing Intelligence Award, however, is none other than our little Chicken. And no, it’s not because I can’t understand him when he talks, nor because he’s a grown man going by the name Chicken (because otherwise Frosti might have been in the running, adorable though he is!).

It’s because he couldn’t figure out a good way to give his advice, so when it wasn’t taken, he became a petulant child and refused to offer opinions multiple times. The guys probably had the right idea in wanting to use pieces of something already built together, so there was no need to shoot the whole idea down. Just provide more information on how they could better use that, and build them up, and voila, he becomes a contributing team member without getting the leadership target smacked on your back.

Get bossy because he’s the oldest and knows all? Get petulant because no one listened to him? Withhold advice or opinions when asked point blank multiple times? And voila, he becomes the first person kicked to the panda express back home.

So, Chicken, while it doesn’t always fall to the person booted off, this week, the Missing Intelligence Award is all yours.

If you haven’t already, be sure to check out these other recent Survivor: China articles here on RealityNewsOnline:

Heathyr Fields Ford lives in central Washington with her exceedingly patient boyfriend and four children, not to mention the macaws. She can be reached at heathyranne@hotmail.com and is desperate for email as it helps her procrastinate consolidating her haphazard thoughts into cogent works of publishable fiction.

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