America’s Next Top Model 9, Episode 7: Wall Slide Special

Two weeks ago, we saw the girls learn how to be spokesmodels from Tyson Beckford. Ebony asked to be sent home, even though it was Ambreal who didn’t get her picture, so Tyra sent her home, giving Ambreal a second chance. Eight girls are left, so let’s see if Ambreal can turn it around!

The girls are on their way home from elimination, and of course they are talking about Ebony quitting. Bianca says that she saw it coming, and Saleisha is glad that she did it since Ambreal got to stay, and she really wants to be there. Ambreal adds that the judges lost their faith in her, so now she really has to show them what she’s made of.

At the house, Sarah says that she is baffled over the judges and their obsession with her size. She just feels wrong. Chantal adds that she knows Sarah is struggling.

Outside, some girls are talking in the hot tub. Chantal tells the girls there that she’ll be in the top five with them. Bianca begins to bitch about Heather and that she can’t do any wrong. Heather tells the camera that she’s an artist and it helps her. She knows that she’s making art and not just posing. Jenah tries to come to Heather’s defense, but Bianca says that she won’t treat Heather differently over her disability.

Tyra mail arrives and tells the girls: “This is why I’m hot, and this is why you’re not.” Nobody knows what it means, so we just see them head out the next day. They arrive at a studio and find leotards and heels. Shortly after being dressed, Tyra greets them and tells them that they will learn about being sexy for a music video. Whatever happened to her music video for “Shake Your Body” that she taped with the girls from Season 2? Exactly. Anyway, she says she has video experience, but luckily and thankfully, doesn’t mention her own. Time for eye penetration and anger. I can already tell I’m going to love this.

Time to line up and try. Why am I already laughing? They do a little walk and Saleisha says she loves walking with Tyra – it’s an honor. Are you kidding me? Now it’s time for the girls to be sweet and coy. They begin doing this demonic laugh in front of the mirror, while trying to be innocent. It’s actually freaking me out. This is the freakiest thing I’ve ever seen. Ambreal comments that she’s appreciative and knows she has to impress Tyra. Really? If I were her right now, I’d be wishing I went home last week!

Now it’s time to teach the girls a “wall slide.” You heard me correctly. Tyra slides down the wall, being real sexy. Geez, this is me at the bar every weekend! Heather looks like she’s getting arrested and possessed, according to Tyra, and Lisa is confident, but her legs can’t get her up. This is so ironic.

Now, in what could be the funniest moment of the season, Tyra gives the girls kneepads and my mind begins to wonder how far each girl will go to get to the top. Turns out the kneepads are for crawling. Sexy crawl, of course. Chantal says it wasn’t very challenging. Tyra feels Chantal is running on a half of a tank of gas, and she also feels Bianca is holding back. Heather does her crawl and Bianca says it’s a mess. Not to Tyra, though! Tyra thinks that she’s doing great and is so awkward that it’s right. She’s dark and mysterious. I really like Heather! [Assistant Editor’s note: Me, too, but when she was crawling, all I could think of was Samara from The Ring.] So Tyra tells the girls to be beautiful and use their loveliness. What does that mean? It’s time for a group hug, and then she sends them off. This segment was amazing.

At the house, Lisa says she gained a pound and can’t believe it. Sarah says it’s awkward sometimes being around all thin girls, and she doesn’t go to bed feeling amazing. Bianca makes a comment that she’s the heaviest girl in the house, and Sarah can only roll her eyes. I don’t know, Bianca’s head is pretty big! Sarah doesn’t care, though, and says they can do what they want with her.

Okay, so I thought that the last segment was the funniest of the season, but this incident here is the best in ANTM history! Heather walks out to the living room and sees the Tyra mail. Instead of grabbing it, she stares at it, shoulders hunched, and yells, “Guys. Guys? Tyra mail.” She’s not excited about it at all, and the other girls come running. I don’t even know what to say!

They walk into a theater the next day and Jessy Terrero greets them. He’s apparently some big-shot music video director. He says that he has made videos for many huge artists, and then tells the models that they will be in his next video with an international artist. Some will even get a feature. He sends them to hair and makeup. They, of course, wonder who the artist is, but don’t wait long before Enrique Iglesias comes in. He tells them he can only pick one girl to be a feature. What the heck is going on? I’m sorry, but this episode is a clustermess.

The girls get ready in hair and makeup. Sarah is struggling with the net pants she is given, while Chantal is boasting that one girl will be the main girl, and that should be her because she’s perfect for the part. We also find out that the song they are doing the video for is titled “Tired of Being Sorry.” So the girls are gathered up and told the director is looking for a very gothic-looking girl, so they chose Lisa! She fits the scene the best. Another girl will get a mini-feature, and that will be Heather. Bianca is instantly annoyed, and I’m loving it.

Now it’s time to tape the video. We see Jenah first, as she stands at the entrance of an underground club. She says she is confident as we move to Heather. Now, Heather feels that she needs to be fiercer, but I think she looks amazing! Chantal is told to be a sexy dancer, and all she does is basically stand there and try to look cute for the camera. She’s really beginning to annoy me. Almost as much as Bianca.

Ambreal is featured next and she does the wall slide. I’m totes (totally) in heaven. Lisa gets her feature and she is told to be sexy at a club. Umm, isn’t that what she does every night she works anyway? What a stretch! The only difference is that she’s not getting paid this time.

Bianca does her little thing while being wrapped in chains, and I begin to pray that they lose the key. Saleisha and Sarah are teamed up and basically just do that little drill where they have to look “video sexy” in the mirror. It’s so pointless. Sarah tells the camera that she was almost naked and felt a bit uncomfortable.