Celebrity Apprentice, Episode 1: Hot Dog, Apprentice Is Back (Sort Of)

If you didn’t read my article that previewed this season, including mini-bios of the competitors, you may wish to check it out here first. I’ll be repeating the list of players as a reference very shortly, so please bear with me on the names for now.

The show begins with voiceover guy telling us, “This will be a season like no other before.” As long as it’s not a season like last season, I’ll be happy.

Action begins at the NYMEX commodity exchange, with all contestants assembled. Trump tells the players they are all commodities.

Trump tells them that their teams are divided by gender, and Omarosa and Nely Galán high-five. He adds that they will now be sent back to the Trump Tower to pick a team name and elect their initial Project Manager (henceforth to be referred to as “PM”). Omarosa volunteers to be PM for her team, but Trump reminds her that the others must agree to it back at Trump Tower.

In a cameo, Vincent Pastore makes tasteless fun of Omarosa’s name and says no one knows who she is. Talk about the pot calling the kettle bla… umm… wait, can I say that without her yelling at me?

Back at Trump Tower, the first order of business for the ladies is for Nely to pass out hats that are really stylized ball caps she brought for her team, to brand them as a united team. Marilu Henner says, “I already feel smarter,” but Omarosa finds the idea hokey. Me too.

The ladies all seem to be tossing around potential names, too many to put here. By now, not even Nely is wearing a cap. Playmate Tiffany Fallon asks, “Is there a word for, like, a powerful woman?” and Carol Alt (I think) replies, “Yeah – Omarosa!” Finally, they decide on the name “Empresario,” which they feel crosses multiple languages. My word processor tends to differ, and I’m pretty sure the word is “Impresario” in English, but whatever. Given their choice, since the team is all female, I’d have liked to see them gender-bend it a little to “Empress-ario” (without the hyphen), not that two wrongs will make it right.

The men are also tossing around names. Singer Trace Adkins suggests “The Champions,” but Gene Simmons wants something “more corporate.” Vince Pastore suggests “The Badda-Bing Boys.” Get past it, dude, the show is over and you’re not selling any more DVDs!

Eventually, Gene suggests “What about something that’s got a mythic quality, something like Hydra?” He identifies Hydra as the three-headed dog that guards access to hell. Vince says no, that’s his ex-wife. Piers Morgan corrects them, Hydra has seven heads, but when one is cut off, another grows back. Well, actually when one was cut off TWO grew back, so I guess that means that at some point it probably had seven heads. Satisfied at being compared to an animal, the team settles on the name Hydra.

So here’s the initial line-up of contestants for this season:

Team Hydra

• Trace Adkins, country singer
• Stephen Baldwin, actor and famous brother
• Lennox Lewis, retired boxer
• Piers Morgan, British tabloid journalist and talent judge
• Tito Ortiz, ultimate fighter
• Vincent Pastore, actor
• Gene Simmons, from rock band Kiss

Team Empresario

• Carol Alt, early supermodel
• Nadia Comaneci, Romanian Olympic gymnast
• Tiffany Fallon, 2005 Playboy Playmate
• Jennie Finch, Olympic softballer
• Nely Galán, TV executive
• Marilu Henner, actress and author
• Omarosa, former Apprentice player

A short scene confirms that Omarosa will indeed be Empresario’s first PM. Nely is very supportive, opining that having someone who’s been here before lead them gives them a big advantage over the guys. Generally that would be so, but hey gang – it’s Omarosa! There is an absence of dissenting votes, and it becomes fact.

Omarosa tells us, “I stepped up to be PM because I wanted Mr. Trump to know that I’m here to win this game. And, the things that happened in the past are in the past, and I’m a new person.” You may wish to screen-print that one and highlight it for later reference.

The next scene is in The Boardroom, where Donald and his offspring, Don Junior and Ivanka, are present. He already knows the team names, and from their seating surmises that Omarosa and Stephen Baldwin have stepped up to be PMs.

Trump outlines the task, and it’s simple: they will be selling hot dogs on the streets of New York. The team with the greater sales is the winner. Normally selling for about a dollar or a bit more, Donald expects them to sell their hot dogs for much higher prices. He warns them that, as with real estate, when selling hot dogs, location is everything.

Carol Alt is a native New Yorker and suggests the location of 34th and 7th, near Penn Station and Madison Square Garden, plus the main post office is one block away.

The men toss around a few ideas, and Rockefeller Center is their choice.