Celebrity Apprentice, Episode 3: A Rooster in the Henhouse

Piers correctly points out that their shirts need to be off, because they don’t fight professionally wearing a shirt. Baldwin complains about the time that will take and warns Piers that if they miss the deadline, he will blame Piers. By the time his whining is finished, I think the shirts are already gone.

Both Trace (to Piers) and Vincent (to us) express some concern that a picture of a topless male makes them nervous. As neither gent in the picture sports man-boobs, I don’t understand that. Calling Dr. Freud!

In the next scene, as the fighters and Baldwin dismount the table, it tips, throwing everything else that was on it into disarray. Coffee spills over one of their computers and eight hours of graphic design is lost. They try to wipe it up and the less computer-savvy among them hope it will be okay in a few minutes, but Piers can’t even get the doorstop to reboot. Piers tells us, “Stephen Baldwin managed to pluck total disaster from the jaws of obvious victory.” Say what you will about Piers, he gives good sound bites.

I’ve been in the computer business for a long time, and as soon as I saw how much coffee had flowed through that laptop, I knew this machine was now Jersey landfill. But I also know that anyone who has fluids sitting on or right beside their hardware is courting disaster. Heck, I’ve done it… but I also know it was a preventable occurrence and the blame is mine!

On review, I think the cup belonged to the lady graphic artist. However, Piers plays the game well. He lets Baldwin know that Trump will hear that Baldwin spilled the coffee. He’s not completely wrong, as there is no reason for Baldwin to be mounting the furniture.

The team is understandably upset by this turn of events. A Plan “B” is quickly developed, which turns out to involve finding an all-night printer to generate comparatively substandard products.

Over at Empresario, it becomes apparent that Gene doesn’t even remember the name of the product they are promoting, and has to write it on his hand. Omarosa wisely explains, “It’s hard to sell something you don’t know!”

Gene has decided to use the women’s beauty as a resource. He tells us, “God has given them beauty, (and) it would be an insult to God’s creation to hide the beauty that God wants everybody to see. Think of it as… doing God’s work!” Sure enough, the ladies are the ones acquiring customers and doing the demos. It’s more probable that it might be an excuse for Gene to avoid performing actual work, though.

Viceroy Jim arrives for a look-see, and Gene leads him by the wrist like a petulant child, pointing out the highlights of his vision. Gene is sure Jim is awed and ends with his standard, “You’re a powerful and attractive man!” Alas, Jim, only one of those is true.

Meanwhile, the Hydra trailer is being decorated with banners. The banners look better than I expected, but one banner is falling off and most of it looks like it has been decorated by a bunch of husbands. When viceroy Jim comes by for an update, he says he loves the prominent messages about the ink, but pans the sloppy presentation. One side of the trailer is completely undecorated! Jim thinks their trailer looks like a dumpster.

The next ones to go visiting are the two executives from Kodak. They check out Empresario first. Gene the flim-flam man schmoozes them with one of his patented smooth and calm presentations, and it seems well received.

Back at Hydra, the men are at least promoting the link of Kodak and ink. Tito tells us they are selling some printers, but he’s happy they are spreading the good word about Kodak’s new product line. Dude… have you forgotten how you are being judged? At this point of the day, two of the criteria are pretty much locked down, and now, only pushing sales matters.

Suddenly, Alec Baldwin rolls up. Unsuspicious dude that I am, I know he’s just here to meet the guys and it’s just an amazing coincidence that (gasp) marketing is going on. Stephen explains the product to Alec, who tries to break his chops. In a cameo, Alec confides, “There’s no one more full of crap than Stephen, so he sounds like a good salesman.”

Later, Alec admits that he came intending to buy, but appreciates that Stephen put an honest effort into his pitch. Alec buys a couple of cartridges for $1,000 each. Piers tells us he is glad Alec came, adding, “It showed everyone what a real Baldwin is.”

Oh Piers, so wrong! Today, in preparation for this episode (okay, not really) I watched the movie Earthstorm, starring S. Baldwin. He’s not bad in it, especially considering how similar it is to Armageddon… minus creditable science, plot nuances, or, most importantly, an iconic rock anthem for a theme. Oh, one feels a necessity to make fun of Stephen, but do you know he has well over a hundred entries on IMDb? I mean, who can ever forget his work as “Gutter Pup” in The Prodigious Hickey, I ask you? Seriously… if you were able to forget it, please tell me how!

But let’s get back to Hydra. The Kodak executives arrive to inspect operations. Piers does the presentation. He admits he lays it on a bit thick, but the message is right.

Task over, Trump meets with the Kodak folks. The report is pronoun-laced and obviously edited to mislead us, so I’m not positive exactly what they are saying about which team. My take is that Trump learns that Hydra’s presentation is sloppy, while Empresario has a great slogan. Overall, they are pleased. I believe that means that they figure they don’t have to stay up all night writing a press release full of apologies!

That night, teams are assembled in the Boardroom to hear the results. When asked how it felt to lead the women, Gene replies, “exhilarated.” A creepy smile follows. Omarosa doesn’t agree so readily.

Trump probes Gene about again ditching the meeting with the sponsor. Gene chooses to explain his “Kodak world” vision instead.

Trump turns his attention to Hydra, and Tito is forced to relate that they lost their presentation to a coffee spill. We don’t see any repercussions though, which might be an indication of where this is going.

Viceroy Jim is asked for his comments. He comments on Hydra’s sloppy look and says Empresario had a superior presentation, but adds that Hydra hit the message.

Trump clarifies the earlier discussion by informing everyone that the Kodak executives preferred Hydra’s effort. Hydra wins again, for the third time!

It is also mentioned that Hydra won sales-wise as well. But I still have to wonder if Alec Baldwin wasted money that could have been spent the next time Stephen leads a task? Or were the two subjective items a wash, with the money as the deciding factor? We’ll probably never know.