Surviving Micronesia, Episode 1: All the Best Freaks Are Here

I don’t know about you, but it seems to me like a far longer time than the calendar would indicate since we saw Todd win Survivor: China. Nevertheless, Survivor is back, and I’m happy! I was going through withdrawals. Of course, now with the combination of Survivor, Big Brother, Apprentice, and American Idol, I might overdose – but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. For now, we only have to worry about Survivor: Micronesia – Fans vs. Favorites. That’s probably the last time you’ll see me refer to this season by its full name, because it’s just too long. We all know it’s fans vs. faves, so we don’t need to repeat that every time.

By now, I’m sure you know who the favorites are and have probably already heard about the fans, too. If you haven’t already done so, you should click over to RNO Roundtable: ‘Survivor: Micronesia’ Predictions to see what I and my fellow RNO writers have to say about the chances of each contestant. I’ll give you one hint: None of us picked a fan to win. In fact, out of five writers, we picked only two winners.

Once you’re done catching up with that, it’s time for the first episode to begin!

Host Jeff Probst is in a helicopter “flying over the beautiful islands of Micronesia.” Below him are 10 people who are about to begin the adventure of a lifetime. The only thing they have in common, Probst says, are that they are all fans of Survivor. That’s good, because I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of seeing contestants who have barely watched an episode in their lives.

All of them have finally been given a chance to play their favorite game. But they’re unaware that they’ll be playing against some of their favorite Survivors from seasons past.

The first of these past Survivors to speak is Jonathan, who says you can be a fan of the Boston Red Sox, but you don’t want to play against the Boston Red Sox “because you’re going to get your ass handed to you.”

Speaking of asses, we next hear from Jonny Fairplay. “Favorite”? I don’t think so. He says he played a perfect game last time and considers himself “the greatest player in they history of the game.” Wow, somebody who can compete with Rich Hatch’s ego. Why can’t he end up in jail so we don’t have to hear from him anymore?

Parvati says she’s going to play aggressively, no-holds-barred. Yau-Man says the only reason to come back is for the million dollars. Cirie tells us that we at home identify with her because she’s like us. James feels like he should be on the Fan side because he is a fan of people like Yau-Man and Ozzy. Speaking of Ozzy, he says everybody wants to beat him, and he hopes he can tap into the same amount of will he had last time.

Back to Probst, who gives us the usual spiel about how these players will be forced to work together for the next 39 days while battling the elements and each other. And then the line we’ve been waiting for:

A long canoe rowed by locals takes the ten fans to the beach in the pouring rain, where they are welcomed by Probst. Jason tells us how one of his dreams in life has been to come out and play this game, so it’s incredible for him. Tracy says something similar about how surreal it is to be on a beach with Probst.

It’s about to get surrealer. (Yeah, I know that’s not a word – work with me here.) Probst asks if they want to see who they’re playing against and is answered by cheers. He says that given they are such big fans, it is only fitting they play against favorites from seasons past. There is a lot of “oh!” type responses.

First out is Cirie, who gets applause. Then Ozzy, with “a little less hair.” Erik tells us he knows all about Ozzy but he’s a track runner and thinks he can compete at the same level. Yeah, we’ll see.

The third Favorite is Ami. She gets a little applause, but Jonathan gets some “wooo”s. Eliza gets about the same applause as Ami. But James gets a nice little roar when he is introduced. Joel says he got excited to see James because “he is, up until this season, the biggest and strongest… I think I can take him.”

Parvati is next. Then Yau-Man gets some nice cheers and Fans jumping up and down. Probst describes it as the “biggest round of applause so far.” Amanda is next. That leaves one more Favorite to go.

We know who it is, but they don’t. So Probst introduces Jonny Fairplay as the most infamous player. He struts out and Probst says he “already looks intoxicated.” Ha! Jonny gets some “oooooh”s from the Fans. His hat says, “Will Lie 4 Food.”

The sniping between Probst and Jonny begins immediately – in case you didn’t know, they really don’t like each other. In fact, Jonny got kicked out of a Survivor finale party after having an argument with Probst’s brother, and was barred from all Survivor events afterwards.

Anyway, Probst asks if Jonny is dressing like him. Jonny retorts with a Probst imitation, asking, “You want to know what you’re playing for?” I hate to admit it, but it’s pretty funny. Probst shoots back, saying it’s good to see Jonny is trying to elevate himself to get out of his current place in life. Ha!

I should note that I feel about Jonny probably pretty similar to how Probst feels. I met him once in person, at the All-Stars finale party. I thought that no matter how he acted on TV, he might be a decent guy in person. He wasn’t. He’s a jerk, through and through.