Here Come the Newlyweds, Episode 1: Walking Down the Aisle

ABC describes Here Comes the Newlyweds as a romantic comedy reality series. I’m not exactly sure what that means, but as a newlywed myself (six months today!), I’m anxious to see what the show has in store for us.

Our host, Pat Bullard, welcomes the seven couples and reminds them that they can win over $250,000 on this show, but that each week a couple will be voted off.

We first meet the Moutras, Johnnie & Crystal. It seems that they live in Johnnie’s parents’ house with some huge number of his relatives. I’m not sure that is the best way to start a marriage, but they obviously must have a great deal of patience.

The Bajwas, Fawziah & Atif, have an arranged marriage. They had one date before their marriage a few months ago. It will be interesting to see how they do.

Cody & Dawn, the Freises, have only known each other for nine months. They look scarily like brother and sister. He is an airline pilot and she quit her medical career to become a flight attendant so they could spend more time together. They are obviously committed to their marriage!

Barry and Toni Woodward are on their 7th marriage combined. At least they should know what they are getting into. They appear to be older than the other couples, which could work against them.

The Holmeses, Lance & Heather, have a very unremarkable story – went to school together, met at a bar, got married. I have no opinion on them yet.

The Jacobis, Thomas & Kaia, come from very different backgrounds. Thomas is from East Berlin and grew up in a non-religious environment, and Kaia’s father is a minister who insisted that Thomas get baptized before the wedding.

Last up are the Krashins, Dana & Steve. They’ve been together since 1993. That should give them a leg up in the competition, but we’ll see.

And, just like that, we’re off to the first competition. The husbands will all be blindfolded and will have to pick out their wives just from getting kisses on their cheeks. For each successful match, the final prize of $250,000 will be increased by $10,000. This seems difficult, though I would be upset if my husband couldn’t pick me out of a kissing line-up. All the husbands are pretty confident in their abilities to pick out their wives. I hope for their sakes that they don’t mess this up.

The husbands are blindfolded and the wives line up and take turns going down the line and each one kisses all seven guys on the cheek. It is really hard to tell if the guys are having an easy time with this.

Johnnie makes his guess first. Johnnie thinks that Crystal was number five and… he’s right! Good for Johnnie. He won’t be sleeping in the doghouse tonight. Johnnie tells us he knew it was Crystal from the smell of her breath.

Steve & Dana, Dawn & Cody, Thomas & Kaia, are also all matches. Thomas tells us that he had no idea which one was Kaia and that he just guessed.

Barry & Toni reveal next and, uh oh, Barry thinks Toni was number six and she was actually number four. Apparently Barry thought Heather was his wife. I’m guessing Barry is going to get an earful later off camera.

Fortunately Lance also thinks Heather is his wife, so no issues there.

The Bajwas reveal last and even though they only had one date before they got married, they are also a match.

So six couples were matches which means $60,000 is added to the final prize and Barry is potentially in for a rough evening.

After this little kissing contest, Dr. Lori Buckley, a sex therapist, comes to visit the couples. Dr. Buckley is here to walk the couples through “intimacy exercises.” She starts by asking each of the couples how many times is the right amount of times a week to have sex. On, “go,” she asks both spouses to shout out their answers.

The Holmeses go first. Heather says two and Lance says four. I actually think this isn’t that far off, but they laugh at their different answers.

The Bajwas are next and Atif is worried what his parents will think. Atif says seven and Fawziah says four and everyone laughs.

Next up are the Krashins and they both say two. This seems to be a situation where their fourteen years together really helps them sync up.

The Woodwards both say three and Toni looks shocked that Barry got something right. Good for Barry. Maybe he won’t be in the doghouse after all.

Kaia and Thomas also both say three. I think at this point the guys are realizing that all the wives are going to say two or three and they are changing their answers so they don’t look like sex fiends.

Dawn and Cody both say four. I’m still distracted by how much they look like each other.

The Moutras are last and Crystal says two while Johnnie says 50. Johnnie obviously thinks he is funny. Crystal should be proud and impressed if he is really able to have sex seven times a day consistently.

Now Dr. Buckley asks the couples to put their hands on each other’s hearts and make “I want” statements. They are all very loving, romantic, and generic. “I want to grow old with you,” “I want to be with you forever,” etc.