Here Come the Newlyweds, Episode 2: Two to Tango

Last week on Here Come the Newlyweds we said goodbye to the religiously diverse Jacobis who sealed their fate when they decided to take $10,000 in exchange for giving up the immunity they had won. Let’s see who gets voted out this week.

Host Pat greets the couples and immediately asks the women to leave the room and wait outside. Pat introduces Greg Fitzsimmons, a “well known” comedian that I’ve never heard of, to the men. Greg makes regular appearances on the Howard Stern show which would explain why I have no idea who he is. Apparently, I’m not alone, because Johnnie Moutra interviews that he has no idea who Greg is either. Pat informs the men that their assignment is to write a roast of their wives and Greg is going to help them. Johnnie is all over this assignment.

Pat now addresses the women. Their assignment is to make minor changes to their appearances and see how many their husbands notice. For every change the husbands notice, $1000 will be added to the final prize which now totals $310,000.

We see a montage of the wives’ changes. Hair, makeup, and nails are being done and there is some glitter lotion being applied as well. It looks like some of the women are getting temporary tattoos, breast and butt enhancements, and even colored contacts.

Crystal adds to her already ample cleavage and says, “I look like Hulk Hogan in the chest.” She actually does a bit, and it will be pretty embarrassing for Johnnie if he doesn’t notice!

Back to the men, Greg is sitting down with each of the men and helping them think of things to say during the roast. He basically restates what the men are saying about their wives in a “funnier” manner. I actually don’t find anything that Greg says to be funny, so I’m not going to repeat any of it here. Greg tells us that he thinks Cody is in trouble with this challenge.

Now we see the men sitting in a comedy club. Pat tells them that they have to identify as many differences as possible in their wives, and they have one minute to do so. All the wives step onto the stage and the husbands are impressed by how they look. Johnnie interviews that he thought Crystal looked like RuPaul. Fortunately, it appears that Crystal actually enjoys Johnnie’s sense of humor. I have to say someone would be sleeping on the couch in my house if my husband likened me to a drag queen.

The husbands start to frantically write down as many changes as they can until Pat calls time.

Pat says that each woman had ten things done to her and reiterates that for each change correctly identified, $1000 will be added to the final prize.

Pat starts with the Krashins. Steve correctly identified five out of ten of the changes made on Dana. Among other things, Steve missed her brown eyes, fake eyelashes, and enhanced breasts.

The Frieses are up next and Pat tells us that Cody got four things right. Like Steve, he also missed the fact that his wife was wearing padding at her breasts.

Barry gets four out of ten as well, and Pat tells us that he missed Toni’s brow waxing, toenails, tattoo, and enhanced butt. I can’t remember what Toni’s eyebrows looked like before, but unless they were incredibly bushy, I don’t blame him for missing the waxed brows. My husband never notices when I get my brows done.

Pat moves on to the Bajwas and tells us that Atif got five things right. Fawziah is impressed because she didn’t think Atif would notice anything but her hair.

The Holmeses are next and Lance gets five out of ten. He missed Heather’s larger breasts. I do find it odd that so many of the husbands aren’t noticing that their wives have considerably bigger breasts.

Johnnie Moutra is last and he also gets five out of ten. He misses eye color, brow waxing, the tattoo, and the larger breasts and butt.

Overall, the men spotted 28 changes, so the final prize is now $338,000.

Pat tells the women to sit down with their husbands and the comedy club starts to fill up with other people. The wives still have no idea that they are about to be roasted.

Greg takes the stage and makes a lot of not funny jokes. Can I just stop here to say I loathe comedy clubs? I just don’t find most stand-up comics all that funny, and Greg is really doing nothing to change my opinion.

Greg tells the audience that the next comics will be the husbands sitting in the front row. Dana tells us that as soon as she heard Steve would be taking the stage, she felt the need to drink heavily. I don’t blame her!

Greg starts with Lance, and both Lance and Heather take the stage. Lance starts to make fun of Heather’s farts. She’s embarrassed, but honestly, it wasn’t that bad. The Moutras disagree, and think that Lance went overboard on the farting. Lance and Heather end his routine with a kiss. How cute.

In the audience, Dawn begins to freak out and wants to know what Cody is planning on saying. If I were Cody, I’d get up there and joke about how my wife and I are actually brother and sister since they practically look like twins, but I’m guessing he won’t go there.

The Moutras are up next and I have high hopes since Johnnie hasn’t exactly held back in any of his interviews. He starts by making fun of Crystal’s hair weave. She’s embarrassed, and probably a bit pissed off, but she’s laughing.