Big Brother 9, March 12: The More Things Change

Previously on Let’s Make This Piece of Crap Last At Least a Month Longer, the couples were split up into individual players, increasing the furor of the viewers by 65%. Ryan won Head of Household and made a deal with Joshuah, who wanted to get rid of Matt. Sharon and Chelsia got nominated, but Chelsia saved herself with the Power of Veto. Looking like Matt was a goner, Chelsia’s big mouth riled up Sheila. Sheila suggested that Ryan replace Chelsia with her main ally, James. Ryan did so.

Also, someone is coming back thanks to America’s vote.

Is this show over yet?

We begin the episode for real following the veto ceremony. Matt is ecstatic that Josh’s plan got swear worded over. Oh, and that he didn’t get nominated. He celebrates a little too much, especially since he does so in Josh’s face. Natalie is just as happy as Matt is.

Chelsia, on the other hand, is proving just why rooting for my home state’s player is a bad idea. She goes all out on Ryan, though she says she was prepared for it. Ryan notes that the whole “two weeks” threat didn’t affect him. Chelsia warns Ryan not to play her for a fool. Ryan reminds her that he could have taken her veto away from her, but he didn’t. She leaves so Ryan and Josh can talk. Basically, Josh believes that everyone will think he’s mad at Ryan for nominating James instead of Matt, but he’s not. And that’s how he likes it.

Back in the living room, Sharon promises to see the rest in sequester. She says she feels 100% certain that she’s a goner. In the diary room, Sharon’s a little more confident, but she still trusts no one, which is good. Someone actually gets it. However, Natalie comes to Sharon’s side and says that James is the goner. Sheila backs Natalie up. Matt wanted to form an alliance with Adam, Ryan, and James, but news of James’ own plans changed that thought.

Out in the yard, Matt and Ryan work on their arm muscles while Josh, Sharon, and Sheila work on their skin cancer. Sheila congratulates Ryan for doing “the right thing.” When prompted by Matt, Sheila says “of course” she’s voting out James. Chelsia comes out to spoil the mood. Matt proceeds to rile up the houseguests, and Josh takes the bait. Thankfully, Sharon keeps him down. Josh claims that the best way to set him off is to tell him to shut up. The circle of strife, everyone.

Sharon and Sheila talk about Matt and Natalie’s chances of winning. Sharon doesn’t think Matt can win since he has lied so much. Sharon shares her experience kissing Matt. Sheila is shocked at this news, but not so shocked to hear that Matt isn’t a good kisser. Sheila is starting to see a less introverted side to Sharon, and she fears that Sharon could do anything to win.

Armed with this new piece of gossip, Sheila decides to share the info with Natalie. Natalie is understandably taken aback. Natalie is starting to distrust Matt, and she wants to get rid of Sharon. Sheila says she’s thinking the same thing. Oh my gosh! Houseguests are thinking? That’s so novel. Natalie thinks Sharon is silent, but deadly. So Sharon’s a fart, now? Natalie worries that Matt will want to take Sharon to the end instead of Natalie.

James joins the two women, and Sheila tells him about the Sharon situation. James obviously likes this. However, Sheila asks if James will continue to play with the rest of the men should he stay. As long as he has their word, James can give Sheila and Natalie his word. Someone tell these people that a word in Big Brother is worth as much as a superdelegate vote from Eliot Spitzer.

Now Sharon confronts Matt, who wants to say goodbye to James. Natalie asks who Matt wants to take to the end. She won’t be taken for a fool anymore. Enough with this “taken for a fool” foolishness. Matt’s not going to argue, since he knows he can’t change Natalie’s belief. Instead, he drones out an apology, but stands by his word that he doesn’t love any girl in the house. Natalie starts to border on loony as she speaks. [Editor’s Note: Starts?!] Come on, Natalie, it’s not like you and Matt a couple anymore. Matt’s not making the argument easier by spewing that stupid “if you’re not with me, you’re against me” spiel.

Is this show over yet?

Guess not, because it’s time for DRVTDSAU (Diary Room Videos That Don’t Say Anything Useful). Chelsia, whose vote is as obvious as a Scooby-Doo villain, thinks Sharon should leave because she’s not a player. She only connects with James. Adam wants to get rid of James so he and Chelsia can get split up, but Sharon’s alliance with Josh and her quiet disposition trouble him. Matt doesn’t trust “the kid with the pink mohawk.”

It’s Julie-chat time, and she starts with Matt. She wonders if, given his rather jubilant reaction to the veto ceremony, there was ever any doubt that things wouldn’t go his way. Matt, knowing what show he’s on, always had doubt, since he can’t trust anyone. He apologizes to Josh for the yelling. On to Natalie, Julie asks if her relationship with Matt has changed. Natalie says the former couple still trusts each other and share the same bed. Matt says the two of them are “BFFL – Best Friends for Life.” Does that really add anything to the standard “BFF?”

Now let’s watch red unitards. Julie plays a video for the houseguests comparing both Sheila and Season 8's Reality TV Hall of Shame inductee Jen in their unfortunate fashions. When Julie asks who wore the bodysuit the best, the houseguests unanimously name Sheila the best body in the red unitard.

So what have the six possible returnees been up to? We watch them in their (almost) separate sequester houses (the couples stayed together). Jacob prays for the people in the house, but he especially misses Sharon. He wants to spice things up with her if he comes back. Make sure that feeling is mutual, Jacob. Jen hopes Ryan is still there, and the thought is frustrating. She’ll go back with a vengeance. Parker wants to give somebody an earful if he returns.