Beauty and the Geek 5, Episode 2: Talent(less) Show

Previously on Beauty and the Geek: The contestants who didn’t participate in the elimination ceremony last week eagerly awaited the return of the non-eliminated. Amber was particularly happy to see Tommy, as Cara was to see Chris. Matt was glad that Jonathan is still in the game, but Tara’s not quite as enthusiastic as she finds him both annoying and odd. Amanda is happy to see Joe. Joe declares his victory to be a Christmas miracle, although he hates that he was the catalyst for John’s elimination.

This week begins with Amber interviewing that she likes Tommy. Who doesn’t enjoy a sweater vest enthusiast? She likes that he’s tall, good looking, and will someday be rich so he can take care of her. Tommy for his part feels a bond with Amber. Much like how flies bond with spiders, I would imagine.

Matt knows that losing last week’s challenge made the geeks stronger as a team and they will certainly bounce back.

They will soon get a chance to prove Matt’s theory, since Mike calls them into the library to explain this week’s challenge. They are to put on a talent show where each team will perform for ten minutes before a live audience. After the audience votes for the best performance, the winning team will send five members of the losing team to compete in the elimination challenge. Everyone has study materials regarding the performing arts.

Jillian notes that this challenge will be tough as the beauties have no talent. Jason, however, is excited and thinks the guys will do well because they didn’t get through life relying on their looks like the girls. They developed talents out of necessity. Darwinism.

Jason isn’t just funny, he’s intentionally funny and he’s good at it so it lands. I called him for the win on the season premiere and that still stands.

The girls are far less confident, declaring themselves talentless beauties who only know how to pose. They have a group meeting to decide what to do for the show and various ideas are kicked around: a fashion show, a play, singing, dancing… etc. Sure, they’re a little stuck by the fact that no one can sing or dance, but fortunately Tara steps up with the idea to combine their beauty with intelligence. So she proposes that they write E=MC? on their butts. You heard me.

Look, I’m not saying there aren’t many people who enjoy seeing the theory of relativity scrawled across the bottoms of nine reasonably attractive women. There may even be a website dedicated to that very thing. I’m just not really sure where the “talent” part comes in unless it’s the ability to write three letters, a number, and an equal sign.

The geeks planning meeting is much more effective, They are organized, fleshing out the routine, and assigning roles to each participant based on individual strengths.

The girls meanwhile are still struggling to find a way to showcase their sex appeal. Kristina says the guys can’t use their sex appeal because they don’t have any. She thinks it could be funny if the girls went on stage and acted like “retards.” Maybe she can have a meeting with Adam from Big Brother 9 about how much America enjoys hearing that word.

Kristina is frustrated with her own lack of talent. Cara notes that it isn’t looking good for the girls as it’s chaotic and they have no plan. They can’t even listen to each other. I don’t blame them. I’m only listening to them because I have to recap this.

They try to decide whether they should make their performance funny or sexy. They can’t reach an agreement on this, so they quietly gather their thoughts before engaging in a stimulating well modulated roundtable where they debate the issue until they reach a consensus. Oh wait, no they don’t… they drink!

While the liquor is flowing, they bring the guys in and hunker down to a game of spin the bottle. Jonathan intimates that he’s never been kissed on the mouth by a woman to whom he was not related. Tara kisses him on the cheek and snots that she didn’t want to get his beard hair in her lip gloss.

Matt is clearly uncomfortable and tells us that he doesn’t want his first major kiss to occur in a game of spin the bottle. When the time comes, he wants it to be with someone he really cares about. Heartbreakingly sweet, that one. Thank goodness he was cast on this show rather than Big Brother, where he would have been eaten alive and his bones piled under the pool table.

Randi is focused on winning and is irritated with the other girls’ flirting. She’s very direct, I would be surprised if she knew how to flirt. Naturally she’d be threatened by the girls’ weapon of choice.

Amber is kissing Tommy and coming on quite strong. When asked to carry her upstairs, he declares himself to be too tired. He’s in over his head and desperately seeking a life preserver.

Cara knows that Amber is flirting in an attempt to avoid elimination. For Tommy’s part, he’s not used to this kind of attention but thinks it will help him come out of his shell. I guess no one ever told him to beware of models bearing insincere kisses.

Tiffany agrees with Jason that Amber is using Tommy. Since Tommy is out of earshot, Amber admits that she is. None of the guys here are in her league. If that league consists only of self-absorbed narcissists who think they are better looking than they actually are, they should be grateful to have not made the cut.

Joe is excited about the competition. The girls are not, as Kristina notes they are eight and a half minutes shy of their required ten minutes of material. The guys have a plan for their routine. They execute this plan and rehearse. And rehearse. And rehearse some more. So let’s see… thought, cooperation, and hard work leaves them feeling confident and prepared. I wonder how the girls are doing?

The girls have decided to do a dance routine in a classroom setting. They are in school girl outfits, if all schoolgirls were strippers, and horned rimmed glasses. Randi loudly asserts that she will shine in this challenge and the rest of the girls need to learn from her. They are still arguing about which moves to use in the routine up until show time. Cara thinks that Randi’s moves are cheesy, but they have no choice but to use them due to lack of an alternative. So they use no thought, no cooperation, and no preparation. Maybe that will work for them.

Or maybe not. The set up is the teacher leaves the room and the girls bust out the moves. Very similar to the old TV show Fame, if it had starred geriatric monkeys who lacked rhythm. The best way to describe it would be a badly choreographed pom routine performed by people who have never danced before. When they have finished their routine, there are still three minutes left on the clock, so they improvise. This causes quite a bit of hostility from (I believe) Kristina, who is outraged that some of the girls are doing “the sprinkler” incorrectly. Yes, that’s their biggest problem.