Big Brother 9, March 19: Formula Bore-O-Nine

Previously on The Writers’ Strike is Over, CBS, So You Can Put Good Shows Back On Now, James was evicted for about fifteen minutes. A twist brought him back into the game, where he won HoH (surprise, surprise) after he promised Natalie to keep her and Matt in the house. Seeking vengeance, he nominated Ryan and Sheila. However, after learning that Matt cast the third vote against his return, James vetoed Sheila and put Matt on the block, breaking his deal with Natalie.

As always with a Wednesday episode, the good part (if you can call it that) begins after the veto ceremony. One week ago, Matt celebrated his non-backdooring a little much. This week, he’s definitely not celebrating. Neither is Natalie, who calls James a hypocrite whose word is worthless, while in the diary room. Matt wants to be alone so he can pack up. Natalie is found crying at the possible loss of Matt, knowing she stood on a disco ball for five hours for nothing. Chelsia gives her support.

Matt finds James outside, and he asks what reason James had to put him up. James says it’s because Matt is playing with Natalie, though Matt says Natalie is playing with him. Matt asks James if he felt like crying when he was in danger, and James says yes. Matt pulls the “I promised to give my mother something” card while shedding crocodile tears. James doesn’t buy it, since everyone wants to help someone with the prize money.

Matt finds a still teary-eyed Natalie as the rejected Godfather music keeps playing. Natalie says she’s sorry, but Matt reminds her that she has nothing to apologize for. He asks her to “go after them” when he’s gone, then he heads off by himself. Matt also starts crying, which upsets him since he promised himself that he wouldn’t shed a tear on television.

Meanwhile, Ryan finds Joshuah, who says Ryan has his vote. Josh also says Adam is on Ryan’s side, and Natalie will be the one in a 5-1 vote. Later, Ryan talks with Sheila who says she made her decision – Ryan is staying. That tried and true “something is up” music plays.

Matt and Adam talk outside, where Matt recalls the likely 5-1 vote, unless Adam makes it 4-2. Adam says he would give Matt his vote from the get-go, but also that Matt shouldn’t talk to him. Adam suggests that Matt get talking to the others about why Ryan should stay when Matt did nothing wrong to anyone personally. Adam knows he got Matt fired up, and Matt knows it, too.

But first, Matt tries to play the sympathy card with the girls, since “girls are normally sympathetic towards things in life.” Careful, Matt. Your misogyny is showing. He starts with Chelsia with the “I don’t want to spend my birthday alone” tactic. Chelsia does realize something – “this man is truly pathetic.” Next, Matt spills the same spiel to Sharon. Sharon doesn’t fall for it, either. Finally, he tries to sweet-talk Sheila. While she doesn’t give a mad response in the diary room, she doesn’t give Matt her support. Matt doesn’t understand why none of the women are promising him their votes straightforwardly.

With Operation: Sympathy an abject failure, he switches to Operation: Character Assassin. Chelsia starts to get angry with Matt’s campaigning, especially since Ryan isn’t doing it so much. That’s when Matt asks what he did to them, and why Ryan should stay when he ticked off so many. He reminds Chelsia that he yelled at her. He reminds Sheila that he took away her $10,000. Also, he points out that he nominated Chelsia and Sharon last week, then replaced Chelsia with her ex-partner James.

Looks like this ploy actually made an impact, especially with Sheila. She reasons that since Matt already has Natalie and Adam, if she votes to keep Matt, James will have to break the tie. This should be interesting. It’s not, but it should be.

In the HoH bedroom, Sheila asks James if he would rather keep someone who has done nothing wrong to anyone, or someone who has done quite a bit of wrong. James just wants to know who Sheila is supporting now. Sheila honestly says Matt has done her no wrong (and who can blame her, since Ryan did force her to wear a red unitard). She tells James about the tie idea, as well as Matt’s speech outside. Also, she wonders what Ryan will do when he gets off the block, especially towards her and James. James wants both equally gone, so he doesn’t know what to do with a tie.

Now, let’s see some formulaic DRVTDSAU (Diary Room Videos That Don’t Say Anything Useful). Joshuah has his alliance with Ryan. Adam trusts Matt. Natalie is Matt’s former partner, and she can only trust him.

Following the standard eviction episode formula, Julie talks to the houseguests. She starts with James, “the man of his word” who put Matt on the chopping block. James says that’s just a standard backdoor move. Plus, Sheila didn’t deserve danger as much as Ryan and Matt. Way to not answer the question, James. Natalie speaks next, though she just repeats what she said in the diary room at the start of the episode.

Next, Julie addresses Matt, Adam, and Ryan, a.k.a. “The Bible Buddies.” She asks Adam how many cubits tall Ryan is. Adam says two at first, then three, then gives up. Seriously, what is a cubit?

According to Wikipedia, a cubit is generally the length of one’s forearm, generally about 18 inches. Which would make Ryan 4'5" according to Adam’s guess. Good to know.

Next, Julie recalls the mystery box, and she asks who thought Allison was in the box. Sheila, Josh, and Natalie raise their hands. They find out that Alex was in the mystery box. After that, Julie asks if the houseguests would have brought Alex back if they knew it was him. Like last week, Sheila, Ryan, and Matt say they would, with Natalie joining them. That would have made it a tie.

The next ingredient in this common Wednesday recipe has something to do with people outside the house. Unfortunately, we follow last season’s final two, “Evel” Dick and Daniele Donato. Following their success and his Reality TV Hall of Shame induction, Dick is doing well. In the clip, Daniele meets her dad, who says he hasn’t seen her for a while. Dick is going to meet Barry Manilow (ew) and he has an extra ticket for Daniele. Apparently, Barry is a fan of the show. If you’re reading this, Mr. Manilow, I love you!

That’s enough lying for me. Anyway, Dick also says he will meet Zakk Wylde, Vince Neil, and some rockers that I’ve never heard of. He’s also nabbed some Lakers tickets. While on the way to Barry, a woman recognizes Dick. Dick remembers meeting a lot of fans in New York. One woman even asked him to sign her arm, which she got tattooed. Ew. Dick thinks the “rock star-ish” treatment is strange, but cool.