Celebrity Apprentice, the Finale: Good Versus Evil – A Winner Is Crowned

Last week: Players were called back to the Boardroom and sent on executive interviews that resulted in the elimination of first Lennox Lewis, then Carol Alt. Initial stages of the final event followed, including the selection of assistants from a pool of previous competitors. Both sides seemed to hit some early bumps in the road, with Trace not understanding the “needs” of the Backstreet Boys, and Piers being let down by a seemingly unconcerned and disinterested Steven Baldwin.

For your reference, here are the players on the two teams:

Team Piers Morgan:

• Piers Morgan, British tabloid journalist
• Steven Baldwin, hoarding his talent for his next lifetime
• Carol Alt, the first supermodel and still gorgeous

Team Trace Adkins:

• Trace Adkins, curmudgeonly country singer
• Lennox Lewis, retired boxing champion
• Marilu Henner, actress, roles include “Elaine Nardo” in Taxi

The episode starts with Trump asking his kids about the two candidates. Ivanka says both are competent and effective, though they are totally different – Trace has great people skills, while Piers is effective at raising money. Don Junior says it’s a difficult decision and both played the game very well. He likes how Piers is never afraid to ask for money, and adds that when Trace speaks, it usually means something.

It turns out that although it looks like they are in the usual Boardroom, this scene is live in front of a robust audience in New York City. I see George Ross in the first row!

Trump says he likes a good fight between two competitors who are very different. Then, voiceover-guy launches into a recap of material you’re already familiar with if you’ve been reading my articles all season, so let’s move ahead.

In fact, more than the first hour is on tape, with Trump jumping in a couple of times for about ten seconds to frame some of it. I will recap that the finale is being judged on “tickets sold to the event, money raised during the auction, and how well you run your part of the event.”

The next scene shows Piers calling on his “rich Brits” friends to get unique auction items. Sharon Osbourne is contacted with unknown results, but we see Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber offer opening night tickets to the sequel to the Phantom of the Opera musical.

Piers make the point that one does not build a fabulous Rolodex without putting in the effort to develop and maintain these contacts. He makes some cold calls in a taxi ride. Baldwin sits beside him and admires Piers’ fundraising skills, saying, “You’ve got talent,” a play on the name of the show he appears on as a talent judge.

Piers tells Baldwin he never meant to insult Steven on a personal level, apologizes to him, and they shake hands while Baldwin sings a falsetto “Hallelujah” chorus. Piers adds, “Despite all your obvious flaws, you’re not a bad guy.” Piers and Baldwin admit they’ve missed working together.

In the next scene, Trace meets with the production manager for the Backstreet Boys. Trace asks him if they’ll give him a rough time if things aren’t perfect. The response he gets doesn’t relax Trace at all, and he fears that they might refuse to go on if all their needs are not met.

One of the group calls to asks if Trace can get them some black fingernail polish. Trace is bewildered by this new request, and also admits he’s still searching for a source of wheat grass juice! So, a highly heterosexual cowboy and the three-time heavyweight champion of the world reluctantly hit the streets of New York to buy a man his fingernail polish.

Four hours before the event is to begin, Piers has his team focus on ticket sales. Baldwin is reenergized after the cab ride, and makes some more calls. However, he’s having no more success than last time. I will admit that this time, he does seem to be honestly trying. Piers asks how many tickets he’s sold, and… it’s only five! Piers admits he’s panicking. He’s finding that this task might be tougher than it seemed.

At the airport, many of Trace’s country music stars call him to report that they’ve arrived from Nashville. Trace must be tired, because he doesn’t seem to be very excited by the news. In fact, it seems only a camera crew greets them. I wonder if one of them brought wheat grass?

Trump comes on screen to say that he wants to see how “these two guys react under pressure.” Sure enough, the scene at the venue is mayhem, and Trace isn’t reacting well. The stress is leaving him exasperated, and we see him being short with both Carol and Baldwin. No one seems to understand the schedule (if there is one).

However, Trace gets the refresher he needs when his wife and kids surprise him with a sudden appearance. For a few moments, everything else is forgotten. Baldwin tells the girls, “Girls, your daddy needed that hug!” Yes, he probably needs that hug even more than he needs wheat grass juice!

Now there’s just one hour before the charity event begins. Carol says the food looks great and she’s ready to serve it to the patrons. However, Piers feels “less is more,” because, as he tells the event staff several times over, rich drunk people spend money more freely. Good plan!

“BSB” is what Trace now calls the Backstreet Boys, so I will too. It turns out that one of the BSBs needs a knee brace. Trace is stumped by that one. He still hasn’t found wheat grass juice, either. Myself, I’d be asking Marilu about the wheat grass juice, because she’s a local and she’s into the healthy eating gig. She must know of a health food store somewhere in the area!

Trace says, “Working with the BSB has given me new appreciation… for myself!” He says he’s done shows with a broken leg, with kidney stones, and once, he went to the hospital right after a show to get 18 inches of his colon removed! “God,” he says discouragingly, “Don’t get me started on the BSB.” I agree!

The event is beginning. Trace’s country gang is there, including Ronnie Milsap, who has 40 number one records (so far). The Grand Ole Opry presents him with a check for $10,000, and others have checks and cash to deliver, too. On the other side, Piers’ veterans have shown up. So have the Trump trio.

The auction begins. The first item is Trace’s Superbowl package, and it goes for $18,000.

Next is the private tea with the Duchess of York. Bidding skyrockets from $15,000 up to $100,000, bid by Howard Lutnick, CEO of a company famous for their misfortune on 9/11, financiers Cantor Fitzgerald. He’s a friend of Piers.

Lot three is dinner with Trace. Bidding is slow, and when Ivanka bids $6,000, she wins it. Way to stay neutral, Ivanka. I’m wondering if she was trying to push up the bids and got trapped. Either way, she’s there as an observer and not a participant, and most certainly ought not to have been bidding!