Beauty and the Geek 5, Episode 5: Do You Remember When You Were Abducted By Pirates?

Previously on Beauty and the Geek: Jonathan left in the last single eviction, followed by Jim & Tiffany as the first evicted couple.

Amanda speaks for the girls when she expresses her disappointment that Leticia & Matt saved themselves from elimination. The general “census” in the house is that Jim & Tiffany should have stayed. The editors mock her misuse of the word “census,” but she was close. It’s the same as consensus except in that it’s an entirely different word with an entirely different meaning.

Leticia knows she has begin to form relationships with the other girls, since she’s really only been bonding with the guys. Here Kristina earns her stripes as the Captain of the Heathers by letting us know that Leticia had better step it up and start being friends with the chicklets or her days in the house are numbered.

Earlier than usual the contestants head into what they assume will be a Challenge Meeting, but it’s the much-anticipated announcement that it’s makeover day for the guys. Everyone is very excited – well, almost everyone – and we find out that the results of their makeovers will play a big role in the only challenge this week.

Greg is especially excited about his makeover because this is his big chance to change his look and become a real “piece of meat” to the guys in the bars. Don’t blame me – he said it.

Tara is eagerly anticipating Joe’s makeover as he needs to lose the faux cowboy look. She would like him to upgrade to business casual. No patterns, no prints, no themes. She would also like him to check and see if there might be a bottle of cologne he could get his hands on. She sighs that she needs to start at square one with him and lets him know that this makeover is ushering in a new era. He needs to start shaving, showering every day (not every three days), wearing deodorant, and washing his undies a little more often. Ouch.

What is with these guys and lack of deodorant? This was an issue with Jim as well. Didn’t they get the little talk in fifth grade, when the boys went off to a separate classroom to discuss their changing bodies and came home with a little sampler of Old Spice stick and instructions to on how to use it? Perhaps not.

Some of the other guys are being bombarded with a rash of instructions on what to avoid when choosing their new clothes. Tommy wisely opts to apply the strategy of going against his instincts, because if he likes something, he’ll know it’s wrong. (Good plan. I have no sense of direction so when I am absolutely positive I should be headed west, I’ll go east, and 90% of the time that’s right. So it isn’t self-defeating, it’s knowing the areas in which you are inherently a moron and using lack of self-trust as a coping mechanism.)

Greg, like Joe, is also getting individual help from his partner. Randi is valiantly trying to coax him into leaving the “nut hugger” jeans behind as they are so tight she fears he’ll get a yeast infection. He’s on board with being molded from the ground up so she teaches him to yell, “Shut up, bitch!” like he means it. The in-your-face aggression of Randi meshes very well with the eager-to-please manner of everyone’s favorite Gaysian. This is one fun partnership!

Joe, on the other hand, is not quite as enthusiastic. In fact, judging by his reluctance, I’d say he’d prefer a root canal to a makeover at this point. He requests that the girls put him back in the closet with the rest of the relics. He’s disappointing Tara by acting like a petulant child. “Petulant” is my word, not hers. I know you’re all surprised, but I like to help the girls out by translating into English for them when I can. He’s extremely nervous about this since it’s hard for him to have faith whilst being told everything about him is completely wrong. The read I get on him is that he’s both embarrassed and insulted.

But missions are not to be deterred by one man’s internal conflict, so off the guys go to pick out their new clothes. They are struggling to find appropriate attire based on their partners directives – and a struggle it is. Tommy cagily avoids the booby-traps of geek couture.

On to the salon to do something about that hair. The stylists strike the fear of God into the guys, musing about cornrows and fauxhawks. Tommy wants to go with the metro look. He’s excited about this because he knows that when you look good, you feel good, and he’s up for the confidence boost.

Lest you think this is all hair tinting and softly scented shampoos, the guys are also treated to one of the more painful aspects of beauty: Waxing. Joe in particular is affronted by this indignity. He shares how hard it is to give up something so close to himself, and so dear… As he waxes rhapsodic, the editors cut to a close-up of the hair on his lower back being waxed (non-rhapsodically). When are the Emmy nominations?

Back in the mansion the girls await their partners, and in the spirit of the occasion they are dressed in some favorite items lifted from the guys’ closets. Greg is first down the runway and is greeted with squeals of approval from the ladies. He is so happy with his new look. His outfit is very red, including the matching shades, and very flashy. His hair is certainly making a statement, I’ll give him that. He feels H-A-W-T and that’s all that counts.