The Baby Borrowers, Episode 1: So What Exactly Did You Expect?

When you were a teenager, did you ever wonder what it would be like to have a baby? No? Neither did I – I had things like video games and college on my mind at that point. But lots of young couples find themselves looking ahead, wanting to contribute to the next generation – and NBC's new reality show The Baby Borrowers is designed to prove just how difficult that dream really is.

We open on a quiet cul-de-sac … that looks disturbingly like one of those perfect neighborhoods in a horror film where things will soon go horribly, horribly wrong.

Our somewhat bland voiceover narrator tells us five teenage couples who have never lived together (here they come in a parade of vans) "have volunteered to take on adult life and the ultimate challenge." That's right, they'll be brokering peace in the Middle East.

No, wait, wrong ultimate challenge. They'll be raising children … from babies to toddlers to pre-teens to teenagers and finally (and oddly) senior citizens, all over a period of three weeks. I think if I was a senior citizen, I might not like being lumped in with these little whippersnappers. But I digress.

We hear from the couples in confessionals (where they're both together, embracing each other … this is gonna be an annoying feature of the show) about how they love babies, want to have kids, don't think raising them will be hard, and … whoa. The girl in the surfer couple has a scary-dark tan. It's like she's George Hamilton's love child.

Ultimately, the participants will be taking care of someone else's babies (hence, the "borrow" part), and will receive a new rugrat (or pimply-faced teen, or …) at their door periodically. We get lots of appetizing footage of spit-ups, diaper changes, pee stains, crying and crying and more crying … They might as well just go the whole nine yards and bring on Jonny Fairplay. These folks are going to be survivors by the end of this show.

Anyway, let's skip through all the clips of moments that we're eventually going to see anyway … and there's a lot of them … including the soon-to-be-borrowed teens TPing trees (that's kinda funny) … and one hilarious clip where one "dad" remarks to the crying infant, "You're such a baby, seriously" … okay, here we go.

Interesting. Dramatic music. Aerial views of the landscape where the participants will be living. A voiceover saying the couples have "left the comfort of their friendly homes." What is this, Survivor: Suburbia?

We meet Kelsey and Sean first, as all-American as a couple gets. Kelsey is convinced she's ready for babies. You know, because Jamie Lynn Spears is a terrific teenage role model. Kelsey says that she and Sean are a "serious couple" and they're going to get married, and Sean gives her this little glance and nervous laugh that makes you think he just wet his pants when she said that. Heh. She says Sean isn't too excited about the prospect of having kids, about after this experience, he'll like them more. If you say so, Kelsey.

A voice of reason, Sean says this experiment should prove to Kelsey that she can't take care of kids at such a young age. She retorts that she "can do anything." Anything? Really? Does that include time travel, or x-ray vision? I'm going out on a limb and calling her now as "the delusional one."

Austin and Kelly are called a "preppy southern couple with traditional values" from Georgia. Considering most of the nation thinks traditional southern values include plantations and gun racks, I'm going to guess now that these two get a rough edit. They play tennis, she plays with her fingers when she's nervous, they have an old-fashioned popcorn machine (okay, that's pretty cool).

Kelly thinks she's ready to have kids because she's "good with" them. Austin thinks the show will test their relationship and give them an idea of what they're going to be like with kids. This makes Kelly go all gooey and smoochey. Shoot me now.

Each couple gets their own house, which they will then flip for a profit … no, that isn't right. In a fantastically ironic moment, one couple (Cory and Alicea) gets out of the car wearing matching black-and-white horizontally-striped shirts, thus preparing them for the prison that this show will inevitably become. "The houses are quiet now," says our friendly voiceover, "but in two days time, these homes will be filled with babies." I have a scene from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life in mind, but I'll leave it at that.

Daton and Morgan are a "California surfing couple" (Morgan is the girl who is tanned to the point of collapsing into herself like a black hole) with a "turbulent relationship." They apparently just got into a big fight the week before coming on the show and were about to break-up, but decided that the show would be a great test for their relationship. Look up "bad idea" on an on-line dictionary and you'll find a clip of that confessional. They surf, they skateboard … it's like Romeo and Juliet meets Lords of Dogtown.

Jordan and Sasha are from Texas. For them, it's not about testing their relationship, says our genial voiceover, it's about showing others that they've got what it takes. They're shown playing basketball and lying in a grassy clearing … and get very little screen time compared to the intros the others got. I'm calling them as "the couple that is too well-adjusted to make compelling television."

Our other Texas tandem, Cory and Alicea, apparently think being young when you have kids will help them understand children better. Alicea has apparently never heard the phrase, "With age comes wisdom." Both Cory and Alicea's mothers were 18 when they had their kids, so that's what she's going on. Alicea says Cory will probably "be scared of the kid." Indeed, Cory (who has a pair of dogs jumping on him in the "aww, how cute" footage) is not looking forward to throw-up time. I'm calling them as "the couple most likely to do a 180 by the end of the show."

The couples unpack their stuff and move in. Sean tosses a towel on Kelsey's back and barks, "Hang this, please." One train wreck, coming right up. Morgan packs away a ridiculous amount of jewelry, including a necklace with obscenely large beads that would be a terrible thing to wear around a baby (so naturally she brought it with her). Jordan is having issues with child-protection devices on drawers. I don't know why, but I like this guy already. Maybe I sympathize with his drawer difficulties.

As something akin to the Teletubbies theme plays, we learn that the babies arrive in a day and a half. Kelsey thinks that so far, the experience has been like a honeymoon (because Sean throwing the towel at her was so romantic). We get clips of the couples brushing their teeth, climbing into bed, and … nothing especially interesting. Good job, editors.

The next morning, it's one full day until the babies arrive (or so says our festive yellow sub-title). The doorbell rings and there's a blue box sitting on each doorstep. Please tell me the baby isn't in there.