The Baby Borrowers, Episode 3: Hello, My Name Is Trouble

Previously on The Baby Borrowers: Five teen couples who thought taking care of babies would be easy found out it's really, really hard (d'oh!) and then got evaluations from the parents – some good, some not so good. Baby-hungry Kelsey had a meltdown, while meltdown queen Kelly bonded with her wee one. And Sasha and Jordan may or may not still be on this show. It's hard to tell.

It's 7:30 a.m. and for the first night in what probably seems like an eternity already, the couples are getting some peaceful sleep. The babies are back with their parents, the next little bundles of joy aren't here yet, and… whoops. Spoke too soon. Here come the toddlers.

One mom has her kid ringing Alicea and Cory's doorbell, and the little dude is hitting the buzzer like it's the "spin" button on a slot machine. Needless to say, cranky Alicea is not amused, sitting up in bed and looking quite disoriented. After ringing the thing about 30 times, the kid is finally told that's enough by his mom. I'm thinking she should have told him that after two rings, but what do I know? I guess it's okay to irritate strangers if you're a kid today.

The mom is Danaka and the kid is Isaiah. All over New York, Knick fans start throwing things at the TV with the very mention of that name. "The couple did not do well with baby Karson," says our nameless voiceover guy of Alicea and Cory, "and they are hoping for a more positive experience this time." That's putting it generously.

Appropriately, beach blonde toddlers Lily and Colton – that's right, two of 'em – are on loan to beach blonde fake parents Daton and Morgan. Parents Rick and Rebecca explain that little Colton's birthday was only a couple days prior, and suggest that a birthday party might be in order for the child. Daton and Morgan laugh nervously. Given the state of their relationship, this party will turn out to be like one of those dysfunctional WASP holiday dinners. I can see it now.

The birthday boy is in the process of potty training, but he's still prone to taking off his diaper and peeing wherever he sees fit. Put him in the average city subway system and he'd fit right in. Morgan is not amused.

In the words of Sam Beckett whenever he made his quantum leap, "Oh boy." I say that because Sean and Kelsey, who just gave baby Etta back to parents Chet and Natalie after one of the show's most taxing baby ordeals, are greeted at the door by … Chet and Natalie, who are back with their toddler Benjamin. Considering the parents gave Kelsey an "F" for her efforts the first time, I can't imagine either party is especially happy to see the other, although Kelsey is doing her best to hide it.

Benjamin is wearing a shirt that has a name tag design on it – the tag reads, "Hello, my name is TROUBLE." That's a little too perfect. Did wardrobe dress this kid? Natalie says Benjamin isn't potty trained and is "as 'terrible-two' as they come." Nice use of "terrible-two" as an adjective. Props to Natalie!

Austin and Kelly will be watching John and Mati's two-and-a-half-year-old twins, Miles and Finn. Instantly, the two little guys (who are a little reminiscent of Jesse's twins from Full House) charge in and take the run of the place. This oughtta be fun! Mati suggests doing anything they can during the day to exhaust the tykes. No problem. Just put a pregnancy belly on Kelly. She'll be plenty exhausting.

Two-year-old Luke (my favorite baby name; if I ever have a boy, that's what I would want to call him) shows up at Sasha and Jordan's house with mom Barbie. She instantly becomes my leading candidate for "most attractive mom." I like her! Barbie says Luke is easy to take care of… for the most part. He doesn't cry a lot, and he goes to sleep pretty easily. So my favorite couple get my favorite mom with my favorite (name for a) kid, and he's apparently the easiest to deal with. I'm quite pleased.

As always, the parents will be monitoring the action in the teen dream houses from another location, ready to step in if the situation calls for it. Professional nannies shadow the couples at all times. Actually, the young nannies are rather fetching themselves. Wonder if any of the guys ever try to hit on the nannies?

Sasha is happy with the job she and Jordan did with their last borrowed child, but seems only cautiously optimistic about this next round. And with good reason, because little Luke starts wailing. So much for him being the "easy" one. Jordan just stands there, completely helpless and trying to make the noise stop, while Sasha holds Luke and tries to comfort him. Unfortunately for Jordan, glaring at the kid isn't going to make him stop crying.

Jordan offers up my favorite quote of the series thus far: "That dude been cryin' for like a solid 20 minutes." Sasha tries saying, "Hey! Hey! Hey!" It doesn't work. Barbie (or Barbara, as the sub-title calls her) notices this too from her seat by the monitor. In fairness, the phrase, "Hey, hey, hey!" worked rather well for Fat Albert. "I don't know if he's even heard that word before," says the mommy. She's critical, but seems good-natured about it.

Sigh… my man Jordan is starting to have a breakdown. He is just not taking well to this crying thing, and stomps away, telling Luke that they've tried everything and he can just sit there and cry. Reverse psychology does not work on crying toddlers, Jordan. Sasha, however, remains calm and sticks with the little guy, and finally gets him to sleep.

Sasha and Jordan have a little chat – Jordan tries to explain his actions, but Sasha warns him that he can't just give up in frustration. Sasha tells us that her mom had foster kids, so there were always babies around – in other words, she's used to this. Jordan is not, and he has no idea how to handle the crying fits. Sasha tells him they can make it through three days of this, and Jordan pledges to "keep on truckin'." He doesn't seem too inspired, though.

Daton and Morgan are doing okay with their tiny twosome so far, and they're out on the town for a little birthday party shopping at the grocery store. Morgan selects a cake, and then suggests getting some frozen food. Whoops – Morgan just ticked off Daton, who insists that there's no frozen food on the grocery list and they can't afford to spend any money on it. Then he gets sarcastic and snippy. The kids just look on as their fake parents have a spat. Morgan tells us in a confessional – well, basically she tells us that her relationship with Daton is "complicated" and it "sucks." She certainly does have a way with words, doesn't she?