The Baby Borrowers, Episode 4: Animal Houses

Last time on The Baby Borrowers: Alicea redeemed herself by handling her toddler well, Morgan's attempt at a birthday party for a pair of twins didn't go over so well, Kelly and Austin fought again (and left their kids alone in the process), and normally cool, calm Sasha had a total breakdown at the end and said (screamed, really) she's ready to go home.

It's the evening after the toddlers have been picked up by their real parents. Jordan is still trying to console Sasha by telling her their child's mom was "wrong." Sasha tells us that the criticism she received (somewhat unfair criticism, I think) had her ready to pack her bags and leave. But apparently, Jordan manages to calm her down and take her out for a walk to cool her head. Jordan's being very sweet and supportive. Good man.

They go over to Austin and Kelly's to hang out and eat. Everyone's there, supporting Sasha and encouraging her. Sasha tells us she came here for a reason and she's staying. Tricky producers!

No rest for the wicked: Here come the tweeners! A bunch of little pre-teen kids with their pets in tow arrive at their respective doorsteps. Apparently, they don't wait for anyone to open their door for them and just barge on in while Austin and Kelly are trying to sleep. The couple gets up to see what the commotion is while their little ones (three of them!) already have the run of the place – literally. "What are they doing in here?" mutters Kelly. "Oh my God, there's three of them?" Heh.

The mom yells up the stairs, "Sorry to just barge in on you." Big of you. Do you do that to all your neighbors? It's like they took Kramer from Seinfeld and made him into a whole pop-in family.

One of the kids has a rat (or something) and screams, "Prepare to die from the evil snake!" Oh, don't feed it that on camera, please. I have a hamster, so that would make me very sad. Among the menagerie these kids possess: an iguana, a snake (shudder), and hermit crabs. Who's the dad in this family, Dr. Doolittle?

"The pre-teen kids are obnoxious. … I cannot live with these kids," says Austin. Insert joke at Kelly's expense here.

The kids are Carl (age ten), Drake (seven), and Grant (six).The mom says the boys have "a lot of energy." I would call it poorly disciplined, but hey, what do I know, I'm just a TV viewer, right? The parents are Steve and Marin, who go over the whole "it's harder than you think" bit again. Yeah, it's real hard when you neglect to teach your kids that it's not okay just to run screaming into a stranger's house and put rats on their bed (which the little one just did).

Jordan and Sasha get nine-year-old Sara and her two Shih Tzu dogs. Wow, their house is gonna be full of Shih Tzu! (Sorry, sorry. Please don't throw tomatoes.) Sasha is nervous to mess up again like she did with Luke, but Sara doesn't look at first glance like too much of a handful. Now, the dogs on the other hand…

Divorced mom Leslie delivers her two daughters, Hannah and Abbey, to Alicea and Cory. Apparently Hannah and Abbey fight a lot. Like physically fight. Like Ali-Frazier fight. "You have to break it up," says Leslie, "or someone will get hurt." Where's Steve the security guy from Jerry Springer's show when you need him?

Alicea is nervous; all she's had is boys in this experiment so far, and she's used to them. But girls, she says, are notorious for not listening. She knows from experience.

Parents Gabrielle and Paul arrive at Sean and Kelsey's house with their two vegetarian sons, 11-year-old Tristan and 9-year-old Nicholas (and their parakeets). They even know where all the soy stuff is in the grocery store. Sheesh. That's way too young for that kind of thing. Go get a hamburger Happy Meal and be a kid, for crying out loud. Kelsey groans and says she and Sean are the exact opposite. See? Eat meat and you can grow up to be a diabolical genius like Sean.

Daton and Morgan get Seth, age ten, and his two full-grown golden retrievers. Morgan is fixing her hair, and Daton is griping at her about taking so long to get ready. He thinks she's being rude. Again, pot meets kettle.

Seth and Morgan like all the same foods – fruit snacks, melted cheese, chips. Hey, I have the same taste in food as Seth and Morgan! Morgan says Seth is "the perfect kid" for her.

Time for the real parents to say bye-bye. As usual, they will be monitoring from afar, the nannies are there, blah blah blah. The working parents head off to earn the tiny little paychecks and leave their counterparts with the kids.

I bet Kelly wishes she had gone to work instead of Austin, because her little trio is running amok in the backyard, slinging mud around and digging up the yard. Kelly isn't happy but her idea of discipline seems to be telling the kids, "That grass is new." Yeah, they really care. They're too busy recreating Jackson Pollock paintings on the white fence with mud to listen.

Kelly also has issues with the lizard and the snake, and like me, is disturbed by the idea of feeding the rat to the snake (the boys say they "whack" the rat out first, whatever that means). Kelly tells us that she had thought she wanted boys when she had her own kids, but now she's re-thinking that plan.

Immediately thereafter, we see the boys flinging Kelly's panties across the kitchen like they were slingshots, and for the first time, I actually feel sorry for her. One of the kids has shut himself in the animal cage; Kelly might want to consider keeping him there. She wants Austin to stay home the next day; "he deserves the challenge." Heh.

Morgan is taking the much quieter, more polite Seth to a kids' gym for some physical activity. Please don't let Seth around Kelly's brood; they will eat him alive. It will be like something from Lord of the Flies. Morgan has bonded with Seth (who is climbing a rock wall), calling him her "buddy" and a "little man." I think she'd rather spend time with him than Daton, honestly.

Morgan observes that it's easier to be nice to your kids than to be strict with a long list of what they should and shouldn't do – it's important to be their friend. Well, yes, it's easy when the kid is already well-behaved like Seth. Your work is done for you.

As Morgan climbs the rock wall, Seth tells us – in what must be our first kid confessional – that Morgan is really nice, likes to play a lot, and is more like a best friend than a mother. At first glance, that's really sweet; at second glance, there's a joke in there somewhere about Morgan and Seth having the same maturity level.

Over at Alicea's house, the Battlin' Bazooka sisters are still at it; one goes by, hits the other on the arm, and defiantly screams when Alicea tells her to go to her room. Alicea tells us that Hannah (the wee little Ultimate Fighter) is a "huge drama queen."