The Baby Borrowers, Episode 5: Relationships Suck

Last time on The Baby Borrowers, pre-teens brought both pets and chaos. Sasha decided not to go, and returned to her usual stable self. Austin & Kelly and Daton & Morgan both had fights when they should have been having romantic dinners, thanks in part to friends from home showing up on their doorsteps. And Alicea & Cory finally had their one shining moment as a functional pair of pretend parents.

With no work and no kids today, the five young couples involved in this experiment go to a Saturday brunch at a local restaurant. Everyone's enjoying themselves … except, of course, for Morgan & Daton, who are having issues with invasion of personal space. Daton apparently doesn't like it when anyone -- even his girlfriend -- is within two feet of him while he's eating. (The two of them are sitting on a loveseat-type couch at the table.)

This somehow leads to Daton picking on Morgan about her wearing too much make-up. Everyone else tries unsuccessfully to ignore the bickering in the most awkward NBC moment this side of The Office. Daton gets up and leaves the table (I think everyone else is trying to crawl under it). Morgan tells us her relationship with Daton is unstable -- well, duh -- and she doesn't want someone who brings her down all the time.

While Morgan & Daton's production of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? unfolds across town, back at the cul-de-sac, the teenagers are arriving. No, not the teen couples -- the teens they'll be "borrowing." All the stereotypes are here – the kid on a skateboard with a guitar rolls up. A kid with a toboggan cap (hey, it's Jimbo from The Simpsons!). We see a girl with fuschia-dyed hair, hipster glasses, and the name "Snowy.” Actually, she seems kind of cool. Maybe I'm biased because I dyed my hair in high school too.

Interestingly, the pretend parents will be flying solo on this one; the teens real parents won't be watching from the monitors. Oh, dear. Teenagers watching teenagers, with no adults in sight? This isn't gonna turn into Porky's, is it?

Snowy – the 16-year-old who shows up at Jordan & Sasha's place and promptly starts unloading her stuff – says she's a positive person and handles complainers poorly. Thank God she didn't get Austin & Kelly.

Eddie, with the short-cropped hair, is at Daton & Morgan's pad. He seems ridiculously articulate for a 15-year-old as he explains that he's "taking part in the experiment" to "help these people down the road." Geez, is he getting class credit for this? He plans to "take over the house" with the stated purpose of changing the couple’s minds about having kids early. Holy Mini-Me, Batman! It's Sean "The Evil Genius" Jr.!

David, who appears to be the long-lost Jonas Brother (I am so depressed that I even know who the Jonas Brothers are), is the heavy metal rocker who winds up with Austin & Kelly. He says if they try to control him, "it's probably not going to happen." Kid, they can't even control themselves. His parents just got a divorce this summer, and he seems to be using that as a reason why he'll be a loose cannon. "They're definitely going to have their hands full with me." Well, as long as you're self-aware about it.

Jimbo (whose real name is Sam) extracts a pop can from Cory & Alicea's fridge and utters, "Pepsi. Sweet! It's mine now." Heh. The 13-year-old tells us that, when he wants something, he won't stop until he has it. Put this kid's megalomaniacal drive with Eddie's evil genius and they could rule the world. I'm scared. He's bound and determined to give his fake parents "hell," and starts by going into Alicea's closet and knocking all her clothes on the floor (on purpose). I never understood kids like this when I was one, and I don't now. What was the point of that? For crying out loud …

Our Baby Borrowing Five return home in the fleet of mini-vans, and walk in their respective doors to find the teens waiting for them. Snowy is taking a nap in her bed when Jordan and Sasha enter. "Who the hell is that?" says Jordan when he spots her. Heh. It's like "Goldilocks and the Two College Students."

Austin & Kelly enter their home to the sound of guitar-playing that's -- well, let's just be polite and call it "atonal," shall we? Kelly greets David with, "What's up?" and they all shake hands. Kelly tells him his hair is pretty long. Ah, the conversation is scintillating. It's like The McLaughlin Group in here. Next up: Austin and Eleanor Clift match wits on whether men should wear fake pregnancy bellies for their crazy girlfriends.

Sam tells Cory he's been here for an hour or so, just "messin' around." Being a teenage male himself, Cory should know that spells trouble. Indeed, he looks quite worried. Heh.

Daton arrives home – apparently alone – to find Eddie washing dishes, or kitchen utensils, or something. Amusingly, Daton actually appears to be the younger one of the two. They bond quickly. I think Daton would rather have Eddie around than Morgan. Speak of the devil… Here comes Morgan, asking if Eddie is their "little teenager."

Eddie explains that he was washing the spatula because it had lettuce all over it. Daton blames Morgan for this in his typical passive-aggressive fashion. Morgan gets this horrified, helpless look on her face as she realizes she's trapped between two Felixes, and she's an Oscar.

But wait! What about Sean & Kelsey's teenager? Apparently he/she has yet to arrive, and there's a rose with a note waiting on the young couple's dining table. Sean reads the note and learns that their teen, Renee, is at volleyball tryouts. She'll be finished at noon and they have to pick her up at the local high school -- "Do not be late!" What's the deal with the rose?

Meanwhile, Sam has escaped onto the roof, and Cory seems absolutely lambasted as he goes out on the roof to catch the kid. Alicea tells us Sam seems like a "troublemaker." I think it's his stated M.O., actually. She tells Sam to come in or he'll hurt himself. He asks if she's afraid to come out, at which point Alicea tells him to go ahead and fall if that's what he wants. Poor Cory just seems overwhelmed.