“Part of Me Wanted to Wrap G.C. Up in My Trunk and Shake Him Until His Brains Fell Out” – RealityNewsOnline’s Exclusive Interview with the Survivor: Gabon Elephant

Ken: Thanks for talking to us, eleph –

Elephant: Excuse me? That’s Tembo to you!

Ken: Tembo? Kind of like Jumbo or Dumbo?

Tembo: Absolutely not, you journalism school reject. Tembo is Swahili for elephant.

Ken: Okay, I didn’t know Swahili was such a prominent language in Gabon.

Tembo: I don’t know that it is, but I couldn’t pronounce whatever the word is in Bantu, and Tembo rolls off the tongue easily.

Ken: Okay, then, Tembo. How did you come to be on the show? Did you send in an audition tape?

Tembo: Well, a lot of my pachyderm peers did, but I was actually recruited for this show. Seems like the other elephants would act completely different if they knew the cameras were on them. But me, I don’t care who’s watching me. I’m going to do what I’m going to. The director tried to tell me to do something, and I slapped him across the face with my trunk. At that point, they decided to just let me be myself.

Ken: I’m surprised they still wanted you on the show after you pulled that.

Tembo: Well, I got a great agent and a strong union. They could replace me, but they’d still have to pay me in peanuts, and trust me, I don’t come cheap.

Ken: Interesting. So what did you think of the Fang tribe gawking at you the way they did?

Tembo: Well, let’s just saw I’m glad G.C. didn’t get near me. In fact, part of me wanted to wrap him up in my trunk and shake him until his brains fell out, which, judging by his performance, wouldn’t have taken long. In fact, what you don’t know is, I watched the same tapes Jeff Probst does before I made my appearance, and I told the producers that if there’s anything that irritates me more than mice and poachers, it’s whiny crybabies like G.C. Hey, does his name stand for Gutless Crybaby?

Ken: Not as far as I know, Tembo. So you didn’t like G.C.

Tembo: Are you kidding? His game crumbled like so many peanuts I’ve stepped on. The guy quit during challenges, then quit the game altogether. Heck, casting me as a Chihuahua makes more sense than casting him as a Survivor. I mean, look at the title of his RNO interview: of course we call it quitting, because that’s what it is! I mean, you can call a pig a horse, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s still a pig.

Ken: Very well, then. Let’s move on. So what was going through your mind when the others were gawking at you?

Tembo: Well, I usually don’t pay humans any mind, so I didn’t mug for the cameras. Although I was disappointed Jacquie wasn’t there. I’m a real sucker for cute blondes. Cute blondes who don’t whine and pout, that is. Don’t even get me started on Kelly.

Ken: Well, then, what do you think of Sugar?

Tembo: Hey, pal, you can pour some Sugar on me anytime! I love the fact that basically she played the part of a dumb blonde, and Kota bought it! The girl has a clue, and I don’t mean the kind you use to find the immunity idol. Even though I’m not too keen on humans, I consented to keep her company during her stays on Exile Island; guess they didn’t show that, lest it appear less isolated.

I even let her ride on my back, and she was just so much fun. She’d laugh every time I’d start singing “Sugar Sugar,” the aforementioned Def Leppard song, and of course, “Sugar Shack.” When I knew she wouldn’t be eliminated because she wasn’t even at Tribal Council, I started to sing, “No Sugar to stand beside me, no Sugar tonight at T.C.” That made her giggle.

Ken: So you managed to make her laugh?

Tembo: Oh, yeah. Once, I had her laughing hysterically for about ten minutes straight – until she told me to stop using my trunk to tickle her feet. Thing is, even when Sugar wasn’t laughing, she never got too down, no matter how many times she got sent to Exile Island. Yet G.C. never got sent there, but was constantly finding something to whine about. If my kids acted like that I’d send ‘em to bed without any peanuts.

Ken: So were you happy when she found the idol?

Tembo: Dude, here’s something else you won’t see on TV: she didn’t find it, I did. She’d dig in one part of the island, and I’d use my trunk to dig in another. I could’ve reburied it if I didn’t like her so much. In fact, if it’d been Ace, G.C., or Matty, I probably would’ve secretly hidden it in my dung. Too bad Gillian isn’t still in the game, ‘cause in that case, she could’ve found it without any clues.

Ken: Speaking of the others, what did you think when Ace and Matty tried to kayak across to you?

Tembo: What a pair of nincompoops! I stared them down as a way of saying, “Keep your distance!” Fortunately for them, they got the message.

Ken: Did you think about charging them?

Tembo: Well, kind of. I was going to use my trunk to turn over the kayak, but they weren’t wearing lifejackets, and Burnett told me not to even think about it. Otherwise, I could lose my shot to be on any upcoming episodes of The Amazing Race. The irony is, Matty said seeing me took him out of the game, and I was thinking, “Oh, I’ll take you out of the game, all right. Just come a little closer!”

Ken: So what do you think of Ace?

Tembo: Are you kidding me? That accent is faker than cubic zirconium. I’d like to shell that bald head of his like a fresh peanut. (At this point he picks up a log.) This is Ace. (He takes the log and rams it into the ground several times.) Any questions?

Ken: Uh, well, what’s your take on Crystal?

Tembo: The girl has an ego of Olympian proportions. I loved how she whined about how insulting it was that her tribemates rated Randy ahead of her – then he scored a hat trick (three goals) in the immunity challenge and she was about as mobile as a statue. Watching her trying to paddle that boat reminds me of those electric football guys that keep going in circles.

Ken: Before we go, what do you think of the upcoming election?

Tembo: Well, being that the G.O.P. uses my ancestors as its symbol, I gotta go with McCain and Palin. Now there’s a woman who can ride on my back to her heart’s content!

If you haven’t already, be sure to check out these other recent Survivor: Gabon articles on RealityNewsOnline:

Ken is contemplating the fact that this will be his last article before he turns the same age as Sarah Palin. Meanwhile, he can be reached at YourNextOfKen@aol.com.

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