The Chopping Block, Episode 1: Hell’s Chicken

Hello, and welcome to The Chopping Block! Television’s latest foray into cooking show-meets-reality-genre features celebrity chef Marco Pierre White giving eight couples a shot at running two restaurants, located side-by-side, in New York City – and as usual, carnage will ensue, feelings will be hurt, and contestants will be eliminated until one pair is left standing, $250,000 richer.

We begin with the worst trend in reality TV: showing us a bunch of clips of stuff we’re eventually going to see. Drama in the kitchen, Marco wagging his finger at his cheftestants – oh, wait, there’s a narrator.

We’ve got eight couples coming to New York – spouses, siblings, friends – all with one dream: to own their own restaurant. Can they make it in New York, the “toughest restaurant city in the world”? I guess we’ll see, won’t we?

All right, enough the with the Cliff’s Notes version of the set-up. Why do I need to watch the show? We’ve just seen it in clip montage format. Now we’re told a little about Marco, who did Hell’s Kitchen across the pond. Piers Morgan tells us how great Marco is. So does that mean Omarosa thinks Marco is trash? His HK underlings rave about him too. He was the youngest British chef to earn three Michelin stars, trained Mario Batali and Gordon Ramsay, and has a bit of a … difficult reputation. Let’s put it that way.

Duffy sings us through the opening credits – “Mercy,” if you were wondering – and Marco walks around the street looking like Geoffrey Rush wearing one of Dr. House’s outfits, sneakers and all. But at least we’re actually getting into the meat of the show now, so to speak.

Apparently our chefs are already in the restaurant – and we aren’t bothering with any set-up footage. They’re working, they’re cleaning. Vanessa (along with her sister Kelsey, one of our pairs), says people are taking ownership of the restaurant space. Mikey, a member of the Red Team (I guess we’ll find out who else is on it later) thinks the restaurant will be “the talk of the town.”

Over in the Black Team’s restaurant – red and black, what is this, roulette? – Samantha says it’s all chaotic and filthy over here. Angie, Samantha’s partner, is excited to be working with her team.

Very casually sitting back in his chair for confessional, Marco tells us how the couples are here with the dream of … blah blah blah. We know. He wants to put the contestants to their first real test, which will challenge them as individuals and as teammates.

We meet on a busy New York street, a la Donald Trump and his crew. All of the contestants are in awe of Marco. We get it. He’s a big deal. Tom Colicchio is a much cooler reality cooking show host in my book, but whatever.

When Marco opened his first restaurant at 25, he quickly learned that you have to work as a team. He tells his lab rats that the very next night, they’ll open their restaurants at 7 p.m. Everyone is aghast.

Two food service trucks are pulled up on the side of the street, full of ingredients for use in the kitchen. Red Team gets one truck, Black Team the other. They only get 15 minutes in the trucks. The eight chefs (each couple has one chef and one server) will prepare a dish for Marco using what’s in the truck. After the chefs get everything they need off the trucks, they will then try to send Sandy and Sierra home early. No, wait. Sorry. Wrong show.

Engaged couple Michael and Panya describe the stress of getting everything off the trucks in so little time. Than, a black team chef, says there isn’t much organization into this. Ominously, Marco says it’s important how the teams go about this – if you apply strategy, 15 minutes is plenty of time. Doesn’t look like there’s much strategy going on.

Time’s up and the teams head back to cook for Marco. Michael is getting a lot of screen time here – probably not a good thing – and tells us all about the pressure of being in this kitchen. Panya says they aren’t doing this just for themselves, but also for their children. She hopes the kids will be proud. Frankly, the kids look too young to realize the implications of succeeding on reality show.

The Red Team’s Kelsey fawns over Marco and says it’s almost like Marco “invented food.” Um, no. Vanessa thinks she and her sister might get overlooked because they’re “two cute little girls from California.” Get over yourself: You aren’t that cute.

Kelsey is a personal chef who has cooked for, as Vanessa puts it, “the Madonna.” No, the Madonna is the mother of Christ. Kelsey just cooked for Madonna, the singer. Their mom was a single mother who worked a lot, so she would be proud of her daughters, they believe.

Marco nows sets about the task of choosing a head chef for each team, because “every kitchen, like every army, needs a general, needs a leader.”

Red Team is first. Chad (whom I don’t think we’ve met yet) has prepared pan-seared sea scallops with haricot vert (a fancy name for green beans) and squash blossoms. I so want to form a rock band called The Squash Blossoms now. Marco’s face doesn’t betray much joy at first bite. Chad – who is wearing a pink faux hawk on his head – says his stomach is in knots as he watches Marco eat his dish.

Indeed, Marco doesn’t care for Chad’s offering. Chad essentially says his soul was pierced by Marco’s eyes. That almost sounds romantic. Michael’s next – he made a salmon filet with creamed lentils and velouté sauce. Michael says he’s never cooked for someone with Marco’s palate, but he feels confident with seafood. Sure enough, Marco says it’s good. Score one for Michael!

Kelsey made chicken piccata (boooo-rinnng) with a wild mushroom risotto and steamed baby carrots. Marco asks if she does risotto dishes often. When she replies that she doesn’t, he says, “I thought not.” Ouch. Marco tells us the dish was bland, which apparently means she herself is bland. Talk about adding insult to injury!

Lisa is up next (I guess we’ll get a proper introduction to Lisa later) with a seared veal chop with honey and red wine vinaigrette. Marco replies that it’s an awfully big portion – the less you put on a plate, the less chance you have of messing it up. Yes, but customers like big portions – we want to feel like we’re getting a lot for our money. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s the perspective Lisa is coming from.