The Chopping Block, Episode 3: Human Nature

Previously on The Chopping Block: Chef Marco Pierre White sent Chad and Mikey home after a loss by the Red Team, and I’m still not sure why. So now we have six couples remaining, three on each team.

Oh dear: Instead of Marco pontificating from a chair, now we have Marco sitting in the park, staring out at the water, prattling on about how great cooks should respect Mother Nature and inspiration can be found anywhere. Geez. I think I liked Marco better in the chair.

Marco greets the six remaining chefs (three from each team) somewhere in Central Park (don’t ask me where – I’ve been there, like, once) and is joined by a kind of hippie-type guy in a straw hat. His name is Steve Brill, and he’s a forager there in the park. He’s going to show the chefs where to find food – or inspiration, anyway – in Central Park.

As this guy describes all the nuts, fruits, seeds, etc. to be found in the park, I can’t help but think of Euell Gibbons. He then says that “if you eat the wrong thing …” and then performs an up-tempo a-cappella dirge. Classy. Even classier – “Never pull out a cattail if there’s an animal rights person watching.” I find that offensive – not as an animal lover, but as a lover of quality jokes.

Anyway, he gives a big demonstration about the edibility of cattail shoots and makes some more bad jokes (“catatouille,” anyone?), gives a lesson on field garlic … Angie says he wouldn’t die in the forest. Except you’re not in the forest. You’re in Central Park. There’s probably a Papaya King or something just out of the frame.

Kelsey says she’s inspired and will use this new knowledge to present something to Marco. Just don’t use the jokes on Marco. That would be a bad idea.

In a completely pointless demonstration for the TV audience, Marco is making one of his mother’s rabbit dishes using herbs from Central Park, and … oh, forget it. You know who I think this guy brings to mind? Coach, from Survivor. Both have an ego the size of Central Park, and both of them let you know about it in the most oblivious way possible. That, and the hair.

The chefs pop into Marco’s kitchen, rave about the smell of his food, rave about the taste … You know, Tom Colicchio never does this. They never take time out of Top Chef to tell us over and over how good he is as a chef. This is as bad as The Apprentice. I really don’t care for Marco, can you tell?

Okay, so the task for each team is to cook a dish using rabbit, duck, squab, or quail. Fish, too – freshwater perch and carp. Then we have an assortment of herbs from Central Park. They have one hour.

The Black Team is thinking squab. Dean suggests just braising it, throwing it in the oven, and “let(ting) it go.” Angie wants to roast the squab and make it crispy. Than is irritated by both of them and declares in a highly condescending fashion that they’ll be grilling the squab and grilling the veggies. This seems to be agreed upon.

The Red Team is doing a twist on a classic Provençal-style dish. Lisa is breaking down the carp. Kelsey is chopping vegetables. Michael is sitting in front of the camera telling us all about it.

Hey, there are bones in the carp! Lisa apparently didn’t see this coming. Brilliant. They have nothing to debone the fish. So with time halfway elapsed, the Red Team is changing proteins. Nice one. Meanwhile, Marco is stalking around, harassing the chefs as they try to work. What a nice guy.

Time’s up! The Black Team presents their grilled squab with vegetables and a mushroom duxelles. Dean think’s it’s perfectly done. The Red Team has turned to the perch, which is also served with grilled veggies. Michael thinks they won. We shall see.

Marco wants to know what happened to the carp. Michael says they couldn’t find the needle-nose pliers necessary to take out the bones. They don’t want Marco to choke, Michael says. The food critic from last week, maybe – but that’s just my guess. Marco tells us that because Red started with carp and went to perch, they’re “a bit all over the place.” They weren’t being wishy-washy, Marco, they just had technical difficulties.

Than presents the bird with the “herbs,” as he says. Marco says to specify that it’s thyme, not just “herbs.” Now he’s just being difficult for difficulty’s sake. He chews on the decision (literally and figuratively) for a moment and declares the Black Team is the winner. They look underwhelmed.

Marco says teamwork is the reason Black won. That, or the fact that they didn’t start over mid-course, I’d imagine. For their prize, they’ll be getting some help for their restaurant service in the form of a maitre d'. One of the finest in town, in fact. He has a lot of tricks up his sleeve.

The Red Team gets nothing. Kelsey says not having the maitre d’ on their side might hurt them. She’s a sharp one, that Kelsey. However, both teams get an order from Marco that the dinner menu should include the ingredients from the park with at least four main courses on the menu. Oh yes, and no reservation book – customers will be coming in off the street. This means the numbers for dinner service will be unpredictable, something they haven’t dealt with yet.

The Black Team chefs arrive back at their restaurant, Soul, and decides to play a prank on their front-of-the-house counterparts, declaring that they “sucked” in the challenge and lost. We don’t get much of a reaction out of the others before Angie yells, “Psyche!” and blows the gag. We don’t see much reaction to the maitre d’ news either.