American Idol 4, May 25: Over and Out

Ryan says seriously, back by popular demand, is Leandra Jackson, with the national anthem. We are revisited with this excruciating and tuneless rendition that never fails to make me bust a gut. Leandra discovered six or seven new keys never before sung on purpose. We see her audition clip, or one of them, and the set opens and there is Leandra live in the flesh. She’s still sounds like sheep in traction, but the crowd is cheering her on. Time for the money note, and she does this soaring thing that sounds kind of like the plane crashing on Lost. Even the judges give her a standing ovation. Leandra is eating it up, she’s just beaming.

Ooh-whoa-ooh-whoa-ooh!

Now the show is starting, I guess. (Was the last hour just a dream? Is Bobby Ewing in the shower?)

Singing "Up Where We Belong" is Carrie and Bo. Nicely sung. Ryan tells them he has a surprise for and fishes a pair of car keys from his pocket. Carrie quickly snatches them from his hand. Ryan takes one back with a quick glare. He tells them they each get one of the two snazzy red convertibles on the big screen. I’m sure Ryan was supposed to tell us what kind of cars they were, but he never did.

A quick retrospective of Carrie and Bo’s journey. They both say they have fond memories of being on the show.

Then Ryan escorts us into the 10 worst auditions of the season:

10. Creepy Darren who looked like he came from a Rocky Horror casting sounded like he was in intense pain. Creepy-scary-fascinating.

9. Derek Braxton, the alleged cousin of Toni Braxton, who may have actually been the offspring of Elvis and a goat.

8. Jason Smith, also known as Mr. 5.9%. Since he sang in four (bad) voices, he’s also 7, 6, and 5 in the countdown.

4. Robert Solomon who sang "Dancing In The Street" like he was stuck in the midst of puberty.

3. Bobbi May, psychic extraordinaire, who tunelessly slaughtered Elvis.

2. Maurice Thomas, a would-be Brian McKnight, who made Paula take some coke (soda) through the nose.

1. Leroy Wells, Dr. Crunkenstein himself. A little ODB, and next thing you know, Idol gets crunk. I’d be surprised if Lil’ Jon hasn’t called him yet.

Austin, Denver, Memphis, Boston, Atlanta, San Diego, and Chicago, Idol will be coming your way this year for auditions. Start rehearsing! Right now!

Then, we visit with Adam and Dirk. You know the story. Well, Adam and Dirk are at the finale, just not the way they wanted to be. Dirk is told there is an empty seat next to him. Guess who’s filling it? David Hasselhoff??? He had time in his busy schedule? Just kidding. Cool gesture. After all, Dirk is probably the ONLY person to sing "Current of Love" at an Idol audition!

Then Idol finally fires back at Primetime Live with their own shocking expose that Simon is getting help with his judging. Hosted by Steve Edwards (from the mercifully cancelled Good Day Live) Randy is allegedly recording a single called "Dawgtics." Randy also does a good imitation of Corey Clark! Then we learn that Simon’s secret love bought him clothes at Too Tight Tees. Then Randy takes Steve where it took place with Dawgtics playing on the radio. Constantine makes a guest appearance as a restaurant owner. Then, Paula says she felt rejected by Simon with this new love in his life. So does Ryan. Randy flashes a t-shirt that says "Buy My Book." Then, Randy’s parents are shown. Struck with emotion. No, not about the allegations, by the song. "It’s just awful!" says Randy’s daddy. We learn that Simon’s mysterious love is... Simon.

Carrie performs "God Bless the Broken Road" with Rascal Flatts, and it is amazing. Next, Anthony and Anwar perform "I Believe I Can Fly" with Kenny G. It is quite beautiful! Constantine, Jessica, and Nadia perform "Walk This Way" with Kenny Wayne Shepherd. Constantine screeches a lot, Jessica shows some rock chops I didn’t expect, and Nadia shines like the star she is. That was fun!

Next, Scott and Nikko perform "On Broadway" with George Benson. Scott grew his hair out and killed the silly facial hair. Nicely done. Billy Preston and Vonzell threaten to steal the show with "With You I’m Born Again." Babyface joins Mikalah and Lindsey with "Everytime I Close My Eyes." Nice treatment!

And finally, Bo Bice with Lynard Skynard. They were spectacular with "Sweet Home Alabama!"

Now, finally the results. Ryan says the winner will be getting their own Marquis Jet card with access to their own personal jet! Suh-weet! Final thoughts? Randy says good luck to both, they are both winners. Paula loves them both, made her job a pleasure, she’ll be the first to buy CDs and tickets. Simon echoes Randy and Paula, and thanks America for getting it right again. Ryan introduces Edward Boddington, prez of Telesco. Edward says a record was broken, 500 million votes cast this year alone.

Ryan tells us one of them is about to make television history. The winner is (no totals this year?) Carrie Underwood! Wow. Unbelieveable. I could find no one who was voting for Carrie. Wow. Carrie collapses in tears in Bo’s arms. Bo smiles graciously. He should, he’ll do fine.

Carrie balks at singing "Inside Your Heaven," but this is Idol, you gotta sing when you don’t wanna! So, she’s full of emotion, so it’s not fair to judge this.

I’m shocked. I cannot believe Bo didn’t win. Shocked. Well, I guess I’m 3 out 4. Why not? This whole season has been unpredictable! Good luck to both of them.

I’ll see you for Hit Me Baby 1 More Time!

Of course, this was not your last chance to see Carrie, Bo, or any of the Idols in action. The American Idol Live tour will be all over the country, and you can go see them in concert. Even if the show is sold out, you can still get them online right here!

Sting7 has been a respected published writer for 16 years, as a music editor, entertainment critic, columnist, and interviewer. He also has a curious love for pro-wrestling! You can email Stinger at stingseven@yahoo.com.

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