The Real Gilligan’s Island 2, Episode 1: The Wreck of the S.S. Minnow

Let’s start off with a review of the premise. There are two players playing the part of each castaway. Each player fits the role. So, a real country girl plays Mary Ann and a real professor plays the Professor. Each player will compete against his or her counterpart until only one of each is left. Then, they vote each other off, as though they were on Survivor, with an obstacle course determining the final winner.

So, let’s start the show. First, we meet our host, Scott Lasky, who also hosted the first season of the show. He explains that they searched the country for the perfect players to play each part. And, just like last season, the players don’t know that they will be competing against a counterpart. I guess this show must have started filming before the first one aired and the players didn’t get a chance to see it.

Back at the marina, the orange team begins boarding the boat. We meet Gilligan Shawn, who tells us that he is the “new age” Gilligan. His friends own boats back home, but they only use them to pick up hot women. Skipper Ken arrives next. He’s a retired naval officer and pretty excited to be here. He says that he sometimes hits people with his hat. He looks like a pretty laid-back kind of guy. He starts quizzing Gilligan on his nautical terms. Shawn doesn’t know any.

Mary Ann Randi arrives next. She says that she easy-going and friendly like the original Mary Ann, but unlike her, she isn’t afraid to speak her mind. Shawn takes an immediate liking to Randi. Next, Professor Tiy-e arrives. He’s a professor of psychology with a specialty of human sexuality. He is black and has very long hair, which is a departure from the norm on this show, in that all the other characters were picked because they, at least, looked a little bit like the original character on the show. Changing the race of one of the characters is a jarring change. But, I don’t want to make race an issue, so I won’t mention it again unless they players themselves bring it up. Tiy-e says that he will make a great professor because he is a ladies man. Perhaps he never actually saw the original show, since the original Professor was a big zero with the ladies (as far as the viewers ever saw). Randi immediately found him to be loud and obnoxious, also nothing like the polite original Professor.

Next up are the millionaires, Jim and Donna Bounce. Heh, heh. I like that name – Bounce. They have a net worth of over $4 million. Jim tells us that he thinks Mary Ann and Ginger are hot and that he wants them. Donna chimes in and says, “So do I.” Hey, we could be having some fun this season.

And speaking of Ginger, here she comes. It’s Angie Everhart, contestant and mole on Celebrity Mole: Yucatan and actress in 30 other TV shows and movies. Strangely, as with last season, they never call her “Ginger”, but always call her “Movie Star”. I guess it must be something in their contract. As she boards the boat, Ken announces that this will be a topless cruise. Millionaire Jim chimes in that maybe he’ll soon be wearing her dress. I like where this is going.

And so they’re off! Gilligan casts off the line and they set sail for their three-hour tour. A three-hour tour. But, the weather started getting rough, as Scott tells us that they are unaware that another team is also casting off from another nearby marina.

Let’s meet the green team. Here comes Gilligan Zac. He’s blonde, which is another jarring change from the original Gilligan “Maynard G. Krebs.” Zac is a cabana boy and describes himself as the class clown, always looking for attention. Next up is Skipper “Crazy” Charlie. He is a harbormaster and declares that, since he has the skipper’s hat, he is in charge. He’s got a long pony tail and that just ain’t right for the Skipper. And then along come Mary Ann Mandy. She tells us that all her life she’s been compared to the original Mary Ann in both looks and personality.

Next up is Professor Andy and he’s almost a dead ringer for the original Professor. He tells us that the original Professor Russell was his hero as he was growing up and that he always wanted to be just like him. And just let me add that I also wanted to be the Professor when I grew up. Professor Andy is a Professor of Engineering. And I am an engineer!

I pick Professor Andy to win the whole show. You now don’t have to watch it anymore. Andy wins. It’s a slam dunk certainty. Goodnight everybody!

What? Oh, the editors want me to continue to write more about the show, even though everybody already now knows who will win. Okay, fine. I’ll just pretend that Professor Andy doesn’t win. But when he does, I’ll be right here to say, “I told you so.”