Average Joe 4, Episode 4: Undercover Angel

As usual, the show began with a retelling of past events, reminding us that last week Carson forged a special bond and experienced a kiss full of so much emotion it wound up in the Reality TV Hall of Fame. . I found myself feeling sorry for him. He goes on a dating show and in his first night he gets a big smooch but just a short time later he has to watch the man who did it get eliminated and board the bus for home! With Dante gone, will Carson be able to recover and see any more action?

The camera pans in to a sporting rink that a lot of younger people might not recognize. Roller Derby saw its heyday in the pre-ESPN days of UHF television and apart from a few tattered posters of Raquel Welch in her old Kansas City Bomber costume you might find for half a buck on Ebay, it has since fallen out of the public eye. But on a show that turns dodgeball into a major event, you can expect just about anything.

The Joes are lined up next to the hunks and the expressions on the two groups reveal polar opposites. On the one side, the hunks all bear a look of anticipation like what you would see on your kids when they wake you up on Christmas morning. The Joes however, look like they’re about 10 paces away from the end of a stroll down the Green Mile. Nathan in particular appears to be thinking of rushing back to the mansion to strap couch cushions all over his body for extra padding.

The group faces the referees to hear the rules. Roller Derby, it turns out, is a gentleman’s sport after all. There is no hitting above the shoulders or below the waist, no kicking and no pushing will be allowed. The Joes look relieved to find out that these strict safety measures are in place. The hunks however, seem to think these are just suggestions. Anna, dressed in spandex so tight it might as well be body paint, tells us that she didn’t really understand the rules at all. “Roller Derby is a vicious sport,” Arthur assures us, “that taps into the testosterone levels of both intellectuals and primates.” When I was a kid I used to watch the sport on Saturdays between my two favorite pro wrestling shows. The wrestling looked a whole lot less fake in comparison.

If you aren’t familiar with the sport, don’t worry. It isn’t even necessary for me to explain how the points are scored. All you need to know is that everyone skates around in a circle and each team tries to knock the opposing team down or pin them against the rails long enough for another teammate to get a lap ahead of them. In other words, the Joes are being sent into a meat grinder.

Carson, always ready with a pocket full of arrogance, tells us, “the Average Jokes…I mean Joes had absolutely no chance of winning. It’s another physical matchup… survival of the fittest and the tougher team gonna win.” No, I’m not making up the Tarzanesque dialogue, that’s how he really talks. As the match begins we see a lot of images of Joes hitting the slanted floor. Arthur tells us that no sooner did he get comfortable being on skates than he had to deal with brutes trying to knock him down.

Clay (no, not that Clay! Stop writing me about that!) notices something right away. The hunks, because of all their weight training, are top-heavy. Because of all the muscling in their chests, they can’t bend down as low as some of the Joes. Clay uses this to full advantage and is soon zooming by them, ducking easily under the elbows and shoulders the studs are flinging. Arthur decides that looking for a way to beat the hunks is pointless and instead decides to rely on Anna to see through the facades of the “bullying and womanizing pigs” that are clubbing him like a baby seal.

Things are definitely not pretty. The Joes are getting beaten like a narc in a biker bar, and even the hunks are spending a lot of time bouncing off of the floor and rolling into the concrete “pit” area in the middle. Clay tells us that it’s like car racing without a car around you for protection. We see several shots of Josh racing up behind hunks and trying to knock them down. He bounces off like a Nerf ball hitting a brick wall, but he does manage to open up holes for his teammates to slip through. He tells us he’s willing to try to knock over guys 50 pounds heavier than he is if it means he has a shot at Anna. For her part, Anna notices this new competitive and aggressive side of Josh with great admiration.

In an interview clip, Gino tells us that the hunks are stepping it up a notch to impress Anna, so the Joes have to step it up two notches to keep up. Moments later he takes a hard spill into the concrete and doesn’t get up. “I saw stars,” he tells us. Before he can tell us whether they were movie or rock stars he was seeing he is interrupted by a clip of Carson. “Obviously this is a test of physical ability and they don’t have it,” he says with a grin. “That’s why two of them are going home in an ambulance tonight.” Now, I don’t want you perceive this as a threat from a maniac. Let’s be fair to Carson. Remember that these interviews take place after the event so it’s likely that Carson was reporting it, not predicting it. He wasn’t a threatening maniac, he was a gloating maniac. That’s why I’m here – to point out these important distinctions.