Kill Reality, Episode 1: They’re Back! (Again!)

We start at the auditions for the movie “The Scorned” about which we know very little. Next is a who’s who of reality folk. There’s Rebecca from Amazing Race 5. I loved her! There’s Jase from Big Brother 5. Nobody liked him. [Associate Editor’s Note: HEY!!] Survivors Ethan, Jenna Lewis, and Jenna Morasca are there. Real World: Las Vegas’ Steven meets Real World: San Diego’s Robin. RW: Chicago’s Tonya and RW: Miami’s Dan hug each other. Survivor Daniel Lue (remember him?) and Victoria from AR5 are there. Why is my question. Survivor: Thailand’s Robb is there (without his skateboard.)

Tonya tells us she really doesn’t know what the movie is. Jenna M. tells us with this group it won’t be long before people start hating each other. That didn’t really need to be said. Rob Cesternino is introduced as the producer and co-writer and says he’s known as the “sneakiest and smartest Survivor of all-time.” Really? I missed that memo. “Best Survivor never to win, okay.” But sneakiest AND smartest?

Rob hopes that his script won’t be ruined. The other producer is Josh Souza from Big Brother 1. Bad memories with that season. We see RW: Las Vegas’ Irulan, AR1 Brennan (or as E! has it “Brendon”), Paradise Hotel’s Beau, For Love Or Money’s Erin, American Idol 3’s Jon Peter Lewis, The Bachelor 6’s Krysta, Making the Band’s Trevor and Hall of Shame inductee AR6’s Jonathan audition.

Jenna L says that the movie is very legitimate, but the only thing that really isn’t is the actors. She says she had a reoccurring role on Nash Bridges so it’s not her first attempt into acting. Rob says that Tonya is perfect for the “crazy bitch girlfriend of Seth.” I think if you’d ask half of the people on Inferno 2 they would say that she is perfect for that role. Jonny Fairplay (JFP) is introduced. Let’s all have a moment of silence for that. Tonya admits that she had sex with JFP. Okay, eww.

JFP and Tonya both drink some vodka before their audition which upsets Amazing Race 4 winner Reichen and Apprentice 2’s Stacie J. Steven and The Bachelor’s Trish are rehearsing a kissing scene or just making out, I’m not quite sure. Trish says she just fell into acting. Toni from Love Cruise and Paradise Hotel is introduced. I never watched either of those shows but I heard she was a piece of work. [Associate Editor’s Note: Love Cruise was inducted into the Hall of Shame here.] She says if she doesn’t get the role she’ll give up acting. She says nobody will give her a break and she’s good. We’ll see.

Rob and Josh call the people who will get cast for the movie. Steven gets the lead as Oliver. Trish is a lead, Raina. JFP is DQ. Jenna L is a lead, Kirsten. She asks if she could have sex with her leading man (Steven) to get into character. Isn’t she married?

Reichen, Trishelle, Ethan, Stacie and Bachelor Bob are also cast. Toni is not a lead but Rob created a character for her to play. After a hug from Josh she’s afraid. Rob tells her the news and Toni doesn’t feel good about it. She says it’s a compliment in itself but feels like they are saying “I feel sorry for you.” She doesn’t think she’s a big enough reality star. No Toni, it’s probably because you suck at acting.

Day 1 of rehearsals. Jenna M says that there are a lot of women here who are kooky. “When kooky meets kooky, it doesn’t cancel out like in math. It still equals kooky.” I love Jenna M.

The first day is a table read. JFP is happy he’s working with his friends Jenna M, Ethan, and Stacie. Ethan tells us that he and Jenna M are a couple “or an item as my mom likes to say.” Heh. Trishelle and Bob aren’t there for the filming. Tonya missed two flights. The script is brought out which makes everyone excited. Toni is cast Officer Kozlowski. She only has seven or eight lines and isn’t too happy about it. Jenna L and Steven are the two leads and Jenna wants to have a connection with him. Stacie doesn’t have faith in Jenna.

In the script there are reality references. The one we get to see is “The keg is spoken.” Oy. JFP says that the best actor in the movie is Steven. Toni reads a line with the phrases “butt pirate, sausage smuggler” and other derogatory gay lines. Reichen, being gay, isn’t so happy about that. Stacie thinks that his being offended is ridiculous and if he isn’t happy with it he can leave. Shut up, Stacie.

Toni tells us that she can’t pronounce “Kozlowski” and wants to change it to something like “Clarke.” The director thinks that it’s too generic. Jenna L tells us that her eight year old daughters could pronounce it fine. Toni then asks if she looks Polish. Rob tells us that Toni thinks she can’t play the role because she’s not Polish, “You know what, Toni, you’re not a detective either. It’s called acting.” Stacie tells us that Toni is completely out of line. Jenna M says that Toni wants more lines; and jokes “If you give her more lines give me more lines… dammit.”