The Princes of Malibu, Episode 3: No Cook? No Maid? No Problem

The Princes of Malibu returns, on a new network (Fox Reality, 250 on the DirecTV satellite service). Since the last broadcast, the family has been in the news. David Foster and Linda Thompson are divorcing, and Casablanca, the estate Brandon and Brody had been living in has been sold. I guess that’s one way to get your stepsons out of the house.

The day after the drive-in (documented in episode two), David and Linda get into a golf cart and tour the lawn. It’s a disaster area, with trash and furniture everywhere. The popcorn machine is broken, and David can’t take it any longer. He assembles his staff, and tell them he needs their help in laying down the law. He tells Lillian the housekeeper not to make their beds or do their laundry. Feria, the cook, is told not to make Brandon and Brody dinner - and he doesn’t want her to wear her “Elvis Parsley” apron anymore either. Courtney the studio manager is told to bar them from the studio, and Greta the property manager is not to take any messages for them, or pay any of their bills. Grounds keepers Edwardo and Walter are told to only clean for Linda and David, though Walter, speaking in Spanish, tells Edwardo that David has lost his mind. David tells them to get back to work.

David and Linda enjoy lunch, but Brody finds nothing is made for him. Feria tells him David instructed her not to, and he goes to confront him. David says he can eat, but he has to make it himself. He also tells him to clean up the lawn - today. David returns home later to find how his stepsons have spent the first batch of money they made. Brody and Spencer are cruising around on the lawn in a hovercraft. Brody explains they are using it to blow the trash to a specific location where they can pick it up. The idea isn’t working very well. David tells them he wants the hovercraft gone, and the lawn cleaned up. Brandon pitches in by driving a snowmobile.

Their next tactic is to try to get Walter to help them, but he says he was ordered not to help. They bring the popcorn machine back in, and Brody finds his room is a mess. No maid service. So, cut off from David’s staff, they decide to hire their own. They call a modeling agency using David’s name and office, and ask for 20 models to show up for a music video. They interview them with all kinds of inappropriate questions, such as where they’d like them to take them on a date, and whether they are single. They get several of them to give them massages. The also ask if they can cook. They get data on which dishes they can cook. Finally, they interview Christina. She’s sexy, can cook eggs benedict and omelettes. She’s willing to work as a chef as well as be in a music video. Spencer asks what she’ll wear when cooking.

A couple of Russian singers who came in to see David present a demo. They promise the two girls a record deal, but they need them to do something else first. They promise they’ll have matching outfits. The next part of the plan is to raise money by renting David’s studio to rap star J Peso.

David and Linda eat dinner with David’s mother, and Brody, Brandon, and Spencer grab plates and sit down at the table. Christina comes in, and introduces herself as their chef. David is stunned, and Linda thinks it’s great. Christina puts on the Elvis Parsley apron, and David asks her to take it off. David says that Brandon and Brody hiring their own chef wasn’t exactly the lesson he was trying to teach them. Next, the Russian singers come in wearing maid uniforms. While they enjoy their meal, the rap singers show up, and are directed to go to the studio. David tells Spencer his mother will be occupying the room Spencer was living in. David is ready to go off to his studio. Brody and Brandon collect the money from the rap artists, and head out to the beach with their surfboards. David tells the Russian singers and Christina that they’ve been scammed.

When David does show up at his studio, he finds the artists there claiming they rented his studio. He finds out Brody got cash for it. He tells them to leave, but is essentially manhandled out of there. Linda goes off to see them, and learns the story. She poses for their camera, and lets them into the studio.

That night, there is a party for Linda’s father, and Brody and Spencer try to get food during it. David catches up to them and tells them he was almost killed today. He can’t figure out how they thought it would be OK for them to rent out his studio. He promises them a war they won’t win if they continue.

Next time, Brandon and Brody appropriate David’s personal jet for a trip to Las Vegas. They return with a hoard of Elvis impersonators.

Jeffrey Clinard is a merchant living in Las Vegas, Nevada, with his cats, Lam and Princess. He can be reached at realityfeedback@bookslv.com

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