Tommy Lee Goes to College, Episode 1: Go, Huskers!

Awww, Tommy Lee is leaving home. He says goodbye to his mom and his house. Mom tells him to be a good boy, comb his hair, and pull up his pants. She wants him to get good grades and make him proud. Tommy asks if she thinks he’ll fit in with the other kids. She does. She cries a little as he heads off to college.

The opening credits feature various typical college scenes. The song is apparently something from Tommy’s newest album. It’s kind of a catchy song.

A narrator with a British (or possibly fake British) accent welcomes us to the University of Nebraska at Lincoln, a celebrated college with 25,000 students. Now there will be one more - a “motley” (ha ha) new freshman named Tommy Lee.

Tommy drives down the highway in a red convertible, because how better to blend in? As he arrives on campus, various students say hi to him. He asks a couple of girls where the chancellor’s office is and announces that he loves Nebraska. “Pomp and Circumstance” plays (of course) as Tommy crosses the quad. Some students stare, some greet Tommy, and some cheer. Tommy waves to someone looking down from a window.

Tommy wanders through the halls, saying that the long ones scare him. At 11:33 a.m., the chancellor’s secretary Beth Griffin welcomes Tommy. She interviews that she was excited upon seeing him and thinks he’s handsome. She’s about twice his age, by the way.

The chancellor, Harvey Perlman, greets Tommy and interviews that he listened to Mötley Crüe for the first time last night, but that kind of music is an acquired taste. Tommy says that he’s looking forward to the experience. He’s very polite and seems to be taking this all very seriously. Chancellor Perlman wants to make sure that he understands that the school is a serious institution and Tommy needs to put in some hard work. Tommy says that he’s on a mission.

Chancellor Perlman reveals that he knows about Tommy’s background; he knows they’re taking some risks with letting Tommy attend classes there, but he thinks that Tommy is prepared to follow the rules. He gives him a thick book of the codes of conduct and a map of the campus. Tommy compliments the campus and Chancellor Perlman jokingly asks him not to trash it. He gives Tommy a hat and tells him he’s officially a Husker. Tommy says goodbye to him, joking that he hopes he won’t see him later. On his way out of the building, he slides down the railing.

Tommy winds up in the student union at 12:45 p.m. He runs into a girl who’s so excited to meet him that she swears a couple of times. Tommy heads to the bookstore, grabbing books on chemical engineering, criminal law, and organic chemistry. He keeps saying, “Killer.” He winds up with a huge stack of books. When he leaves the store, a bunch of students have gathered and are applauding him. The narrator says that the students have embraced Tommy as one of their own. He’s their shipmate, a fellow player, blah blah blah… the narrator needs to shut up. Tommy stands in the middle of the football field and yells, “UNL!”

The narrator tells us that now Tommy needs to find the perfect roommate. Tommy gets a housing list and goes hunting for a student who needs a roommate. A girl offers to let him live with her. Tommy finds a guy named Alan who’s looking for a roommate; Tommy thinks that his room is small, but it’s actually a pretty good size for a dorm room. A couple of other people Tommy talks to don’t seem to be interested. Tommy signs someone’s guitar. Two potential roommates don’t listen to Tommy’s music, so they’re out.

Tommy asks Alan if he’d mind if he brought naked chicks home. Alan replies that he’s gay, so he doesn’t mind, as long as Tommy doesn’t mind him bringing home naked guys. However, the deal-breaker is that Alan snores. So much for that option.

Tommy’s last option is a senior named Matt Ellis. Matt welcomes him into his room; he’s very friendly and definitely knows who Tommy is. He has a pretty nice room, and he and Tommy easily agree to find a balance between lots of noise and lots of quiet. Tommy wants to know what Matt’s GPA is, since he’ll probably need help with his grades. Matt tells him that last semester it was around 3.5. Tommy is unimpressed until Matt tells him that that’s out of 4, not 10.

The room may be appropriate for a dorm, but not for a TV show, so Tommy has a team of decorators come in to “pimp the joint.” (You haven’t lived until you’ve heard a British guy say “pimp the joint.”) Matt comes back to find a room that definitely looks like it belongs to a rock star. It’s decorated in leopard print and Tommy has stocked it with a big flat-screen TV, comfortable-looking chairs, a cappuccino machine, a video game system, and huge alarm clocks. Matt likes the changes but wants to know where his stuff is. Tommy just laughs.

Tommy wakes up to his giant alarm clock the next morning. It’s his first day of classes… but is he ready?

First up is chemistry. The professor has the students introduce themselves. Tommy says that he appreciates the students letting him come to school with them and promises to respect the school and the experience. The professor teaches about waves and wavelengths. He makes the joke that a wavelength is a nu, so if someone says, “What’s new?” you can say, “What’s wavelength?” I want to say that I’ve heard a worse chemistry joke, but it’s probably not true.

In English, the class is studying a book that Tommy hasn’t read. He yawns. Afterwards, he tells the professor that he thinks the story is great but has to admit that he hasn’t actually read it yet. He promises to catch up and she asks him if he’s going to read his assignments for next week. It doesn’t look like he’s thought that far ahead.

Tommy is late to physics. The equations make him sleepy. Me, too. The professor calls on him and Tommy manages to guess the correct answer to his question. Nice. The professor drops a helmet from a ladder to demonstrate… something. I don’t know; I wasn’t paying attention, either. Tommy thinks he’s bananas.

Professor Bananas is actually Professor Gay, and he’s Tommy’s academic mentor. Tommy meets with him to talk about his classes. He says that he thought chemistry would entail being in the lab, not doing math. Dr. Gay mentions that he can get a tutor and calls the chemistry department to ask about one.

At 7:32 p.m. (what’s with the exact times?), Tommy goes over to meet his new tutor. Her name is Natalie, and, yeah, she’s hot. In case we didn’t notice, they play the Hallelujah chorus and point a fan at her. Tommy thinks this is awesome. Natalie is heading for medical school next year and currently teaches a chemistry course, so she’s very qualified to tutor Tommy. She tells Tommy to think of this as a challenge. He’ll get to know his textbook as well as he knows his roommate.

Natalie talks to Tommy about some of the subjects they’ll be covering, but Tommy is overwhelmed. Fortunately, Natalie is very patient and tells him not to give up. She wants to break the stereotypes out there about rock stars. She says that she has to break stereotypes all the time, since she’s blond and in a sorority.

Back in their dorm room, Matt asks Tommy if he was able to focus during his tutoring session. Tommy admits that it was difficult.

The next day, Tommy wanders around campus, flashing back to people putting pressure on him. Will he be able to measure up? He has a creative way to try: he sends Matt to class with a camera so he can watch the lecture from his room. Through an earpiece, Tommy tells Matt to get the camera off of the professor. Matt turns it on a pretty student and Tommy remarks, “Now this is what I call college.”

Next week (well, in about a minute): Tommy tries out for the marching band.

Jenn Brasler is an aspiring writer from Falls Church, VA. You can e-mail her at luckyjenn@hotmail.com. She knows less about physics and chemistry than Tommy does, if that’s possible.

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