Meet Mr. Mom, Episode 3: Moooooooo!

Let me start by saying that local commercials from small areas should be banned for being too painful for human consumption. That out of my system, welcome to the recap for the third episode of Meet Mr. Mom, a.k.a. Daddy Meltdown.

In sunny San Diego, Leon & Kathy Sharpe raise five kids, and judging from the clips, they’re doing a fine job. This looks like a fun family, complete with singing and dancing, without being cloying. Leon is an electrician, and Kathy takes care of the family. She’s also listed on the website as a secretary.

Just north of them in Corona, Brian and Carrie Turang are raising their five kids. Brian is a former pro-baseball player for the Seattle Mariners, and Carrie manages the household. She looks like a pro-athlete’s wife. Not that that is a bad thing, but she just does. Carrie informs us that Brice, the five-year-old, is a handful, and we are treated to a shot of him spray painting his feet green. Nice. Discipline, anyone?

Up walks a well-muscled young thang in a wife-beater to deliver the news. Baby, he can beat me any time! While I am still drooling, I realize that the theme song is growing on me. Nothing like a well-worn wife-beater to make even the worst music good. It’s no Green Day, but it’s catchy.

I digress. The moms read the notices aloud, and Brice tells us they are in deep trouble, while Brian sits stunned. Leon frets that he’s never gone that long without his wife around, but he’s smiling about it. Ben Sharpe states to the camera that they are doomed.

As Carrie attempts to fill Brian in on parenting skills in five minutes, we are treated to a lovely sound bite from Mr. Sports Jock: “How hard can it be to be mom for a week?” Some how, I think those words are going to come back and bite you on the hiney, bucko! Hapless dad and dumb jock--way to fulfill two stereotypes!

The requisite cute little girl belongs to the Sharpes this time, and she states that it is not fair to take her mommy. Heh. Kathy gossips to the camera that the last time she went away, her friends all told her Leon just moped.

Meanwhile, back at the Turangs, we soon hear what will become a Brian catchphrase, “where’s my son?” Yes, Brice wanders away in the middle of one of the girl’s track meets. Dad, forgetting that he actually has to parent, enthralls himself with the meet and ignores a five-year-old. Bright. He finds the little demon beneath the bleachers, playing with friends, and lectures Brice briefly. A thumbs-down for parenting.

Leon attempts to cheer up the littlest girl by promising the beach and surfing. I am filled with a sudden longing for our old house on Pacific Beach. While I relive what might have been had my parents not sold out and moved to the middle of nowhere Washington when I was a kid (Gidget would have had nothin’ on me, I tell ya!), Leon receives a thumbs-up for parenting by positively getting the kids’ minds off their mom’s leaving and getting them to the beach with relative ease.

At the beach, the older Sharpe sons and the camera men are enjoying the view, and I do not mean the waves. One woman in particular catches their interest, and she struts over while the boys look a bit like deer caught in headlights. Ah, an NBC plant! The boys are told to stop checking her out and to check out the latest assignment. Busted!

Assignment number one is to put on a garage sale the next day. The Sharpes jump right in with the planning as we cut to the moms arriving at La Costa Resort and Spa. Finally, we do not have instant soulmateship! They are excited to be there and have someone to share it with, but there is no proclamation of immediate bondage, I mean, bonding. Sadly, the wife-beater does not appear to be at the resort. Sniffs.

Leon jumps into the assignment with alacrity, rallying the troops and marking items for sale. Smooth sailing! Brian, however, droops beneath the pressure of organization. He frets about the “theme” of the garage sale. Must be a SoCal thing, because here in Yakima, we don’t do themes. We toss out our crap we no longer want and hope someone dumber than us buys it.

Amidst the pressure, Brian manages to dish up some healthy eats and garners a thumbs-up for Nutrition. He earns a thumbs-down in Heathyr’s Book of Effective Parenting for Brice as Damien runs rampant across Brian’s parenting skills. He tells us Brice is a handful. So lucky I am not near Corona or I would explain in effulgent detail why Brice is a handful, and it has nothing to do with “that’s just how he is” and everything to do with “you’re being a complete and ineffective parent, bordering on moronic!” He walks away from Brice, bested by a five-year-old, and explains to us as well that Carrie is the organized one.

Leon gains another thumbs-up in Nutrition for serving a dinner with broccoli. He makes all the kids have at least some, even if they do not like it. I hated when my parents did that, but now I do it too. Don’t you hate when you wake up one day and realize the words coming out of your mouth are not yours, but your mother’s? I find it scary. I usually have to spend a few hours rehearsing my “colorful metaphors” to pretend I’m not really turning into my mom.