The Surreal Life 5, Episode 7: Surviving Las Vegas

We start out with a brief review of the previous show, and are given one more chance to watch Janice, the slut, in action. I had forgotten, actually. Somehow, all of this really doesn’t mean too much to me in light of all that is going on, but a commitment is a commitment, and I am resigned to complete this assignment.

The Surreal Lifers wake up, hungover and miserable. Jose complains about having drunk too many beers, and calls Janice a pain in the ass. He also comments that if he had any strength left in his arm, he would have dragged her out by her heels. Bronson comments that Janice’s behavior was like watching a “salt lick at a cow barn.”

We get a humorous little interlude with a show-within-a-show called The Janice Dickinson Show. Dear Janice is shown in various scenarios, and of course, reminds us all that she is “the world’s first supermodel.”

Caprice picks up the Surreal Times and brings it into the bedroom where the rest of the group is snuggled up on the bed. The headline reads, “Surreal Castaway Challenge.” It seems that they are off to the desert to compete in a take-off of Survivor. Of course, Janice is sick, suffering from bronchitis, and lets it be known that she will not be participating. In flashbacks, we see her in the casino the night before, swapping spit with various people.

A voiceover man that sounds remarkably like Jeff Probst asks the question, “”Who will be voted out tonight?” All of them, perhaps. We can only hope. But, no, the group is taken to what looks to be a hotel pool and greeted by Jeff Probe (arf, arf), who is actually Tim Stack, star of such notable films as Son of a Beach and Scary Movie 3.

Stack or Probe, or whoever he is, tells the Surreal Lifers that they will be put to the test, and one of them will be voted out. Then, he shows them a pair of big, blue fuzzy dice, which in this instance represents the immunity necklace.

The first event involves seven people that Stack calls “hard bodies,” lying on chaise lounges across the pool. Each of them has several dollops of suntan lotion positioned on various body parts. The Surreal Lifers must get over to where they are reclining, and spread suntan lotion on them. Once all the lotion has been distributed, they must race back to the starting point.

At the signal, they take off. Carey and Omarosa take the bridge, and the others wade through the water. Lickety split, Omarosa is finished and dashes back. Jose and Caprice are last and have to sit in the loser area.

Next they must take an inner tube, and go across what is being called a lagoon (looks like a pool to me), where “Virgin Margaritas” are set up on the Tiki bar. They have to chug down two drinks and return. With much excitement, they all race over to the bar and complete the task. Carey gets sick, but beats out Bronson and Jose who are both out after this round.

The next challenge is all about kissing, we are told. Stack explains the rules, which involves picking up a lei (don’t get me started) and then putting it around the neck of one of the models who are in attendance. Then they have to kiss the person – same sex for one second, opposite for five seconds. La de da… Omarosa really digs this event and uses the opportunity to kiss Jose. I am officially bored.

For the final event, the remaining contestants must dive into the water and pick up a card. They then must play this card in a game of “21.’ Pepa is reluctant to get her hair wet. After several double-entendres by the idiotic MC, this game is finally over, and Carey ends up winning immunity.

In typical Survivor fashion, each of the contestants must now vote someone out of Las Vegas. Janice is shouting, “Me. Me,” as though the others wouldn’t have even considered getting rid of her. And, although Omarosa votes for Jose, saying that if he doesn’t go, they’ll end up “shagging,” it is Janice who gets the most votes. No surprise there.

Janice is thrilled, but soon discovers that being voted off might not have been all that it was cracked up to be. She is presented with a 1992 red Ford Aspire, which she must drive back to L.A. Calling it a “rent a wreck,” she sets off on her journey.

The others go to dinner where they meet a rather bold, busty waitress who is all over Jose. I wish I could describe the dress this woman is wearing, but words fail me. One of the Surreal Lifers captures her look best by saying she looks like “one big boob with a waist!” They escape unscathed and return to the bus for the ride back to the mansion.

Meanwhile, Janice is acting up again. She stops at a gas station and admires a racy red sports car, begging the driver to give her a ride. She stops for fast food, and while she comments that it is bad for her image, she manages to gobble down a burger. Her adventure also includes a stint inside a tractor-trailer where she fools around on a CB radio.

We flip back and forth to the bus, where Bronson appears to be trying to get it on with Caprice. Initially, she seems to think he is harmless, but begins to get annoyed as Bronson becomes more and more bold in his advances. Calling him, “naughty, naughty,” she finally loses it.

Janice returns to the mansion and kicks the car. “It’s good to be back in this dump,” she says. And it’s a wrap.

Next time, it appears that Omarosa and Janice finally go head to head. There appears to be a great deal of screaming and the preview even shows knives. All that means to me is that there is yet another week to this series. I am beginning to wonder if it will ever end.

Donna Reynolds is a freelance writer based in Syracuse, New York. While entertainment sustains her emotionally, she earns her daily bread by writing and editing web copy. Check out her website at www.reynoldswrites.com. Donna loves mail, so shoot her an email at foxydonna@earthlink.net.

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