The Surreal Life 5, Episode 9: Surreal Meltdown

Here we go again. If you missed part one of this fiasco, click here for my recap. I don’t have the energy to even begin to start explaining what happened in the last episode.

Caprice tells us that there is a lot of tension in the house (no kidding), and that Janice and Omarosa genuinely hate each other. Carey thinks it’s a “power struggle over TV time,” and Caprice concedes that Omarosa is very clever and “knows how to make good TV.”

Omarosa tells Pepa that she has been stabbed seven times in her life. Pepa doesn’t think the whole Janice/butcher knife thing was all that bad, and Caprice thinks Omarosa will stay. “Omarosa is continually overreacting,” she says. “We just have to keep them apart.”

Omarosa is wrapped in a towel, sulking in the bedroom. She says she is waiting for her attorney to call. She tells Bronson that she has been stabbed and shot at, and can’t lay her head down at night “knowing that there’s a psychopath just a little bit away from me.”

“Sure you can,” says Bronson.

Carey says he didn’t want to play into it, and prepares a barbecue in order to distance himself from the mayhem. Janice says that she doesn’t take any of this seriously, but Caprice is a bit shaky and says that the tension affected her. The guys have a chuckle, and then the gang, sans Omarosa, gets together on the patio for dinner. Jose says he’s “not going there with you women.”

Janice says, “Omarosa is a man. Trust me, I’ve seen her naked!” The subject then turns to Janice’s book – a “cautionary tale of sex, incest.” Janice tells them that her father was a pedophile. “He was a dark, angry guy.” Bronson says he felt his “inner jaw” drop. Naturally, Omarosa chooses this moment to walk in, and Janice says, “Speaking of the devil.”

“You know a lot about the devil, don’t you,” Omarosa replies as she makes her grand entrance.

Omarosa is carrying a fish bowl containing her goldfish “Bison.” She tells Janice that she feels sorry for Janice’s kids. “Your children must hate you,” she says, and then comments how damaged Janice’s kids must be. Janice responds by leaving the patio and flipping Omarosa off. “Eat a bag of rolls (?), bitch,” she says.

Bronson tries to explain Janice’s reaction to Omarosa, but she’s not buying it. He leaves the table and goes into the house. Janice is on the phone, and Bronson interrupts, telling her how very sorry he is. Janice crumbles. Bronson also breaks down, crying. She tells him that no one messes with her kids. “This house means nothing to me,” she says. “Sixteen years I was forced to keep a secret.”

Janice continues, talking about being beaten by nuns at school, and how her mother ignored her requests for help. She says that this is why she can’t be groped or touched, and Bronson begins sobbing. Pepa comes in, and tries to console Bronson, who has gone completely over the edge, weeping in Pepa’s arms. Phew.

In the kitchen, Omarosa tells Jose and Carey that she “survived 18 years in the hood. I can’t survive a crack head, trust me,” she says. Meanwhile, Bronson is still inconsolable. Omarosa strolls by, still carrying her fish bowl, and says to Janice, “Just say ‘no’ to drugs.” Janice flips her off, and says that she will do so every time she sees her.

“If she calls me a crack head or attacks my children one more f..ing time, that butcher knife’s going to end up (use your imagination here),” Janice retorts.

Caprice says, “It was bad.” Jose believes that “something’s got to give.” Janice tells Bronson that her son has a 4.0 average, and that she “finally did something right.” Omarosa tosses in one more “crack whore.” Yup. I think we are about to see the “old” Omarosa make her triumphant return here.

Bronson offers to let Janice sleep in his room. She says that she needs a good night’s sleep after an “emotional boil.” Omarosa tells Bronson that she doesn’t need his consoling. She can’t stand that everyone is taking Janice’s side. Pepa says Janice is going off and off and off. Omarosa is going to show off her stab wounds. Bronson is ready to “throw cold water in her face ‘cause that’s what you do to bad little girls.”

Omarosa says she doesn’t want to read Janice’s book, and continues her rant. Bronson says, “unpleasantness is draining.” This show is draining.

Bronson drags a mattress into the group bedroom, and Janice takes his bed. They chatter like kids at a slumber party, and the last thing we hear is, “How many more nightmarish days do we have left here?”

How many more indeed? Previews for next week show the Surreal Lifers golfing and meeting Sally Jesse Raphael. Oh joy!!!

NOTE: I have received one email in response to my recaps for this show, and that was to point out an error that I made. Last week, I erroneously wrote that Janice was wrapped in a blanket. It was not Janice, it was Caprice, of course. My bad. At least someone was paying attention!

Donna Reynolds is a freelance writer based in Syracuse, New York. While entertainment sustains her emotionally, she earns her daily bread by writing and editing web copy. Check out her website at www.reynoldswrites.com. Donna loves mail, so shoot her an email at foxydonna@earthlink.net.

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