The Surreal Life 5, Episode 10: Fore Crying Out Loud!

It’s time for another exciting episode of this year’s most ridiculous reality show, The Surreal Life. Certainly, you remember last week’s mind-numbing affair. If not, click here for my synopsis.

As the show begins, we are treated to yet another review of the “knife” scene between Omarosa and Janice. Caprice crawls out of bed, and comments on the animosity between Omarosa and Janice. She thinks they are both to blame. Janice says that she doesn’t feel like cohabiting in a group when she knows there’s going to be a confrontation. For her part, Omarosa comments that people who have been abused “like to give that back.”

Pepa doesn’t think that it is their place to pass judgment on Janice. But there isn’t much time to ruminate, as the Surreal News arrives and Omarosa excitedly reads the headlines – “Surreal Lifers head FORE the green.” Whoopee! They are heading to a local golf course to release some steam – “a more reasonable option than whacking each other!”

But Bronson, who is emotionally spent, does not want to go, and instead seems to want to stay curled up in bed. Carey tries to get Bronson up and says he is getting frustrated by all of this. Janice says, “I’ll even be nice to her (Omarosa)” in an attempt to get him to change his mind. Caprice tries to comfort Bronson, but as Janice leaves, she says, “Can you have oral sex with him please to get him to come.” Nice.

Caprice does not see any reason to do this, however, and instead, whines a lot and pulls the covers off his bed. Finally, Bronson drags himself to his feet and everyone is jubilant. Hooray… we are going golfing. Gag me.

They pile into the Surreal van and arrive at the golf course. Nicolle Di Santo, the golf pro, greets them. They get into their carts, and of course, Janice has to act out, speeding away from the group. She says she was feeling “really playful,” but her behavior borders on psychotic. She shouts, she chops, she smashes her club on the ground. Plus, she cheats. Of course, Janice thinks this is oh so hilarious

In one particularly memorable scene, Janice is down on her knees pretending to check the distance between her ball and the hole. As Carey and Omarosa drive by, Janice lifts her butt into the air. This would have been okay if she had been panties under her little golf skirt, but alas, she did not. Naturally, Omarosa is highly offended by this.

Bronson and Caprice eschew the game, and instead, take a leisurely drive around the course. This is soothing to his soul and he says that he appreciates Caprice’s thoughtfulness. He says, “This is better than a Disney ride – Snow White and the Seven Mood Swings!” But I can already anticipate that this show of friendship will result in yet another misunderstanding between these two. Will I be correct?

Meanwhile, Janice is still acting the fool, claiming that none of the cast members have a sense of humor and thinking that she is just soooo freakin’ funny. Pepa seems to have finally had enough of this nonsense after having shown an extraordinary amount of patience throughout the entire show. Janice wraps up the afternoon by riding around in circles and doesn’t understand why the rest of her castmates aren’t rolling on the floor in hysterics at her antics. All of this is so contrived and makes me yearn for a commercial.

But my wish is not granted. Having finished this ridiculous round of golf, they pile back into the van and head back to the Surreal mansion. Hey, I wonder if Omarosa and Janice will get into another tiff? Hmmmm.

They pull up to the mansion and there are cars everywhere. Omarosa wonders what’s up, and we finally break for commercial.

Back from the break and we discover that Sally Jessy Raphael and Dirty Laundry have set up in the living room, complete with a live studio audience. Caprice is freaked out, but Bronson says it won’t be any worse for her than anyone else. Omarosa says that they should all stand up for one another. “It’s us against the world.” She proudly exclaims that they haven’t seen anything yet. “They don’t call me the top reality villain for nothing,” she says.

We get an overly enthusiastic into to the show, and the audience cheers gleefully as the inimitable Sally Jessy Raphael introduces the show. Didn’t she used to have a legitimate talk show? What the hell has happened to her that she has to do this tripe?

Anyway, Sally welcomes us to the show. She introduces Omarosa as the “bitch of reality bitches,” and makes a disparaging remark about Jose’s steroid use in his intro. She gives Pepa a straight intro, and calls Carey “one of the hottest moto-cross athletes on the planet.” ”Some people think of him as Balki,” she says as she introduces Bronson. Janice is referred to as a supermodel with two best-selling books. “She designs her own under-pants,” Sally says as she introduces Caprice.

Sally tells them that they are going to make some decisions as to who is real and who is fake. Omarosa and Pepa freak out. Janice wants her to bring it on. She starts with Jose, who she calls macho, but wonders about his behavior in the house. We see all the clips of Jose in his hose and with lip-gloss, and of course Jose is humiliated. Sally asks him if he wears women’s clothes in real life, but Jose says he is secure in his masculinity. Sally declares that Jose is the real deal and turns to her next victim.

Next up is Bronson. She talks about what a great actor he is, but says that he is about to be known for something else. We are treated to all the clips where Bronson acts like a pervert. Sally wonders whether or not he knows where the line is, and of course, this upsets Bronson. Janice defends him, though, calling him a “sensitive groper.” Sally declares that Bronson is “real” as well.

Sally turns the tables on Janice, showing her most despicable moments. Janice tells Sally that she is a mess, but at then end of the day she prays saying, “I have done the best job I possibly could today.” Bronson says she is protecting a very pained little girl, and Sally deems her sorta real.

Omarosa isn’t buying this, and says that Janice is a flawed human being. Sally recaps, “So far, three pretty real people.” Now for Omarosa. “You have a reputation as being the villain in reality television,” she questions. Omarosa responds, “That is correct.” Sally then says, “For the first time, in reality television you are going to see what Omarosa is really like. Roll it.” The audience boos loudly and Bronson gasps in horror.

To be continued… I am left wondering what could possibly be so horrible to cause this exaggerated reaction. Will we see Omarosa without makeup and bald or something?

Next week, Omarosa and Janice duke it out in front of Sally and a live studio audience, Caprice is drained by all the emotional upheaval, and Bronson consoles her. Can you stand it?

Donna Reynolds is a freelance writer based in Syracuse, New York. While entertainment sustains her emotionally, she earns her daily bread by writing and editing web copy. Check out her website at www.reynoldswrites.com. Donna loves mail, so shoot her an email at foxydonna@earthlink.net.

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