The Surreal Life 5, Finale: The Bitter End

Finally, the night that we all have been waiting for… the final episode of The Surreal Life 5. This mind-numbing series will undoubtedly go down in the annals of reality show history as one of, if not the, worst shows ever aired. Lucky me to have been chosen to attempt to document the idiocy that has been rife throughout this pathetically contrived exercise.

The final episode begins by going waaaaay back, just in case we have forgotten any of these stellar moments. Ah yes, how could we have forgotten. From the burlesque show to the trip to Vegas to the knife incident. Such fond memories.

Once again, it’s morning, and the Surreal Lifers are dragging themselves out of bed. Caprice says that this whole experience has been exhausting. Omarosa, who is dressed in a towel, answers a phone call from Janice’s attorney. Apparently, Janice thinks she can sue Omarosa for defamation of character. After the phone call, Janice steps into the bathroom and Omarosa asks if Janice forgives her. Omarosa utters a somewhat benign “I’m sorry,” and we cut to Pepa and Janice.

Janice shares with Pepa that Omarosa made a lame attempt at an apology. Pepa is noncommittal as usual. Bronson comes into the bedroom and Jose tells him that the girls want to do a makeover on him. Jose says he is going for a kiss from Caprice, and Bronson makes some lame jokes about the nature of the kiss. They all laugh uproariously.

The Surreal Times arrives, and Caprice reads it to the group. “The Last Supper – Final Full Day - More info inside.” Janice doesn’t get it, though, and asks Caprice to read it again. Seems pretty self-explanatory to me. The group is asked to “dress to impress,” and everyone gets all dolled up for the event.

The table is set for a formal dinner, complete with photos. So far, so good. They look at the pictures and reminisce about the goods times. The waiter appears, and Janice asks if he is single. He says that he is, and she cheers. He’s also about 25. Pepa suggests that they say grace, and Omarosa offers a nice blessing. No fireworks yet.

Of course, Janice can’t help herself, and begins to goad Omarosa. First she diminishes the blessing and then belches loudly. Omarosa begins to shift in her seat. Janice proposes a toast to Omarosa’s beauty, commenting on the need to make eye contact during a toast. Jose and Carey both remark on her motives.

Janice toasts Omarosa again and tosses in a little slam, saying Omarosa needs Botox. It is all starting to unravel. Omarosa tries to engage in some lighthearted banter, talking about the time that she kissed Jose on the lips. Janice pretends to vomit (nice), and defends herself by saying she’s a former bulimic. She then rushes over and throws herself at Jose, kissing him and then dashes back to her seat. She is behaving like an idiot.

Omarosa laughs it off, but the rest of the cast members are becoming very uncomfortable. The dinner has essentially been ruined, but Bronson carries on, undaunted. He has a handful of envelopes addressed to each of the cast members. They are each supposed to read the question and answer it honestly.

Bronson reads his card, which requests that he tell the group about his father. I get it. This is supposed to be the “touchy feely” part of the program, right? Bronson has a real hard time with this, and breaks down crying. He explains that his father was violent and crazy, and that one Christmas he tried to kill Bronson’s mother. Janice is overcome by emotion, or at least appears to be, and hugs Bronson. Of course, Caprice does the same. Pepa makes an astute comment, saying that Bronson is not a product of his father, and everyone basks in the warm fuzziness of the moment.

Next up is Caprice, who is supposed to “flash Bronson,” but instead, she hugs him. Jose laughs that she flashed them. I’m not sure that this really happened, but it doesn’t matter in the end. She gets a hug from Bronson.

Then it’s Jose’s turn. He is asked to talk about the night he contemplated suicide. He says that he was deeply in love with his second wife, but she left him for another. Janice breaks out in a dramatic outburst of weeping as Jose continues his tale. He tells them that he had a gun in his closet, took it out, and put it to his head. He was ready to pull the trigger but suddenly, he heard his daughter crying. He went down the hall and picked her up, and says that this saved his life.

Janice is sobbing (God she is ugly when she cries), and even Omarosa has tears in her eyes. I just want this to be over.

Carey has to tell about how he feels about his girlfriend Pink. He talks about coming through a rough time after he was seriously injured. He and Pink had separated, and Carey says he sought refuge at the bottom of a vodka bottle. His doctors had told him that his career was over, but he made up his mind that on January 1, he would start to put his life back together again. And he did.

Pepa comments on the depth of the sharing, while Janice fixes up her makeup job, ruined from all the tears. I feel as though I am at an AA meeting.