The Amazing Race 8 Insiders, Mat Chats and Phil’s Diary, Episode 4: Yappy Dogs Must Die

No, there aren’t yappy dogs in this episode’s insider clips. There are, however, seven within a half-block radius of my house. They, or their owners, or both, need to be shot and fed to the large (and relatively quiet) Rottweiler next door. This week in insider clips, watch me vent as I try to watch the clips. Between yappy dogs and CBS’s clips restarting themselves mid-way through almost every clip, and never getting to the end, I do not believe I have a sane bone left in my body.

Charmed: Inside their vehicle, the Schroeders talk charm. Stassi claims to be always charming and Hunter chimes in something about sleep deprivation. Stassi adds that they need to find boys because she doesn’t know how to charm girls. Heh. Mark blabs about $12 dollars as Hunter reddens slightly. Turns out Hunter charmed $12 off some innocent girl so the Schroeders could get ice cream. Sweet! Now that’s game play, Hunter!

Stassi Gone Wild: Unfortunately, this is Malfunctioning Clip One, so I do not get all of it. Mark Schroeder tells us how impressed he is with how well they are getting along. They do not have the cell phone bill to argue about, nor do they have to argue about one of his kids throwing up on Bourbon Street. Stassi looks mock offended and hits him. Char laughs. I wish I knew more of this story, because I’m picturing Mardi Gras, drinking, and bead-earning!

Homeward Bound: The Schroeders, again. In the vehicle, again. Hunter and Char agree that they are not going to head towards New Orleans. Mark and Stassi are not so convinced. Char says it would be too obvious. Sucker! The kids say if they do, they need to stop by their mom’s house because “Mom would die!”

If it Embarrasses the Kids, it Ain’t TMI: Yet again the Schroeders in the vehicle. Fortunately, I really liked this family (especially Mark and his wicked sense of humor), so the excessive amount of clips didn’t bother me. Run, don’t walk to your computer and watch this one. I know I won’t do it justice, but I’ll try. Mark is in the middle of the backseat with Hunter on one side and Stassi on the other. Char is up front driving and trying to discreetly take her birth control bill (darlin’, two words: tubal ligation!). Mark, never the soul of discretion, jokes with her about it, so she throws the packet of pills at him and asks him to help her get the pill out since he won’t shut up.

Stassi seems slightly embarrassed and says she wouldn’t mention being on the pill to them, but Char disagrees. Hunter pipes up with a nice quip about needing to start to take Viagra. The family cracks up. Mark thinks Hunter has the opposite problem. This quip takes a moment to sink in, but when it does, Stassi is shrieking “GROSS!” and hitting her dad, and Hunter is laughing and blushing and hitting his dad. Mark says, “Boing!” I lose it and have to restart the clip because I missed a bunch while I was laughing. Stassi yells to Char to pull over because she has to vomit. Meanwhile, Char is trying to save Hunter by asking for directions. Mark gives them to her, but is still making light and the whole family is cracking up. I think this family really has some good things going for it.

So I Married an Idiot: Char tells us, while driving, that Mark designed the two buildings you see on the off-ramp they used to get to the park, and that his sister lives just down the road. She’s giving him a hard time about directing them away from the park earlier, since it was so close to everything. Mark’s excuse? “We’re not park people!” Char finds this a bit lacking. Fortunately, it is all positive ribbing with each other. The Paolos could take a few lessons.

Don’t Worry, I Think Ugly, Too: The Bransen girls are driving through Alabama and are in shock. One states that she did not expect it to be pretty. Another agrees that when she hears “Alabama,” she thinks ugly. One of them says they are digging themselves deeper and no one in Alabama will be rooting for them. They’re also trying to figure out how big the state is. Nothing really mean-spirited here, though.

A Stupid Teacher and a Psycho to Boot: Linda Weaver is driving and telling the camera about a vision she had several years ago. In this vision, she was beating a rug and could not breathe; she just felt desperate. Or so she tells the camera guy. She kept beating the rug despite her breath issue and her husband was not in the picture, she informs us. Finally a victorious time came in the vision. And that’s it. A recurring vision about rug-beating, minus a male figure, that came to a victory. My mind is totally going somewhere else with that summary, but it is obvious this is not where it is meant to go.

Linda says that five years later, her husband died, and a few months into the aftermath, she suddenly realized she felt short of breath and desperate, just like her vision. She claims that she kept feeling that way until the night before in the mobile home park when suddenly, she realized her vision was ended. Voila, just like that, she slept like a baby, she says proudly. She claims to know it is hokey, but she just needs to dig down within herself and she is at the end of her vision. She can move forward from here. Okay. She feels different today. She also has never been through anything where she was the total decision maker until now. Wow. Just wow.

Communication is a Weakness: The Paolos, family counselors’ wet dreams everywhere, discuss their abilities. DJ informs us that they have no strengths, no strategies, and plenty of weaknesses. At least you’re honest. Marion whines that they have plenty of opinions, which is a lot of ways of looking at things. Yeah, darlin’, it’s also a lot of ways to argue and be stupid. Oh, and she brings up yet again that no one listens to her, and they would be in first with a lifetime supply of gas if they had. I felt bad for her once, but I realize now that she just talks and moans SO much that no one even begins to want to listen to her any more. Shut your mouth for a few weeks, and your voice will become pearls of wisdom. DJ says communication is a weakness of theirs. Ya think??

I is a Graduate: Tammy insists that they are going to Southern Colonial homes, but Bill says it is Colonel. She passes it up to him so he can read it while driving. Laughing, he tells her that the way he was raised “colonel” is spelled C-O-L-O-N-E-L and “colonial” is C-O-L-O-N-I-A-L. Always willing to dig herself deeper, Tammy asks what happened to the “r” in “colonel.” Bill laughs and tells her it was never in there. I like these two.