The Amazing Race 8 Insider, Episode 8: LEAVE ALREADY!

Due to the amazing angst caused by Episode 9 being a non-elimination leg, I have put off writing this article until the very last minute. Quite frankly, I was too grumpy to even begin to watch extra clips. I feared for the life of all those around me, including my computer, so I have been hiding away from reality in my favorite escape - a roleplaying game. Yes, I know, I just labeled myself as an uber-geek. Deal with it.

Without the joy of writing this article, I do believe I’d swear off the rest of this season, and possibly all future seasons of TAR, based solely on the allowance of those hideously vile excuses for human beings known as the Weavers. They complain about teams swearing. Well, DARLINGS, ten-to-one you ain’t heard nothing from the other teams like the sound reel that’s echoing in my mind whenever I see your hypocritical, snotty little faces on my television screen. Sailors have nothing on me when it comes to the creative use of vituperatives, epithets, and other colorful metaphors, as Spock dubbed them. (Again, yes, I am a geek. A roleplaying, sci-fi/fantasy loving, internet porn watching, cussing sort of geek. Love me or go away!)

Oh to be writing about the women of Survivor being covered in mud. Or how Sean Connery’s voice is enough to make my knees tremble. Or how Patrick Stewart in lyrcas in that one ST:TNG episode made me swoon. Or the Linz brothers slowly removing their shirts. Anything. Anything other than an article that has to admit that the Weavers did NOT get eliminated this week, thus proving there is no god, or if there is one, he totally hates me.

Ah, but I digress. Or procrastinate. Something like that. Let’s get on with the clips, shall we?

Sort of like a really bland rollercoaster: Don’t get me wrong, I like the Bransen clan, but don’t they seem sort of bland at times? Especially poor “I can’t keep up” Wally. This entire clip is comprised of one of the girls babbling about having been up in front and then dropping back, and how it is like a rollercoaster. Only, it’s sort of a boring clip. One says “Life is a rollercoaster.” I wonder briefly if they’ve watched the Steve Martin movie Parenthood and then decide they probably haven’t. Wally has seen Forest Gump however, as he chimes in with “life is like a box of chocolates.” Then the girls say it wouldn’t be good to always win, and that the other teams need to come in first sometimes too, and they got a really good prize anyway. They do all agree that they better win the last leg of the race. Heh.

DOH!: How the Linzes have made it this far is beyond me. I enjoy them, especially when the guys take off their shirts. But seriously, with all the idiotic errors they make, such as missing road signs, other bad navigation, etc. I’m shocked they’re still here sometimes. This clip is a perfect example of their Homer Simpson “D’OH” factor. It is 7:00 a.m. in Utah on a Sunday. Let me repeat that. In Utah on a Sunday. The Linzes are low on gas and pull into an obviously closed gas station to try to get gas. They are not just low like “we should try to get some in case there is nothing for a hundred miles.” They are low like “we forgot to get it two hundred miles ago and now we have to go a hundred miles without civilization so we need it now!”

I pause the clip to bang my head against the desk. They try to use their credit card, but the pumps are shut off. More head-banging. Someone put on the Quiet Riot please. Then, they run out into the road and flag down some poor hapless guy in a truck. He points to the house nearby and says that’s the owner. Well, actually, first, we have a long drawn-out conversation about where the nearest gas station might be, wherein we hear that it is Sunday. Utah is like Canada still is (or was when I used to go all the time). Sort of like stuck in the ‘50s with most everything closed on Sundays. I personally like it. I can see that it would be bothersome if I’m running a nationally televised race, and I forget to be responsible two hundred miles back.

Anyhoo, long clip short. Er, well not short, but let me sum up here. They talk to the owner in the house next door, hear it should be open, one of the brothers off screen gets bit by a dog, and then they all run towards the pumps again. Yep, you read that right. The owner’s dog bit one of the brothers! Another pause while I hoot quietly to myself (the other half has a headache and is trying to sleep it off, so I politely keep my chortling to a minimal decibel level). Megan tells him he’s fine, and the clip basically ends. I have no clue if they ever got gas, but I must assume they did, since they finally won a leg.

Home Schooled by Ma Weaver, were you?: One of the Linz boys, sadly with his shirt on, calls a spider a “daddy long neck.” The rest of the supportive siblings start snickering and saying he’s mixing spiders with brontosauruses now. Heh. See, I thought of giraffes mating with spiders. Probably because I just watched Gladiator and the comment about gay giraffes still amuses the hell out of me. Anyway, one of the Linz brothers must have sat in on Linda Weaver’s classes where she talks about animals and the Great Lakes of New Orleans.

Did I not tell you to LEAVE ALREADY?: Driving through some of the most beautiful landscape in our country, the Weavers all yell mockingly “Utah rocks!” Linda quips “lots and lots of rocks.” Yeah, and nary a one to fall on you. Bastards. Rebecca snarks that they haven’t even seen a McDonald’s, and Rebecca says she bets people are really skinny here. Honey, you ever thought about moving to Utah? You and sis there in those hot pants are looking like you need a little less McDonald’s anyway. Someone mentions not even seeing grocery stores. They joke about litter control at landfills being the only job available. What is with these people and the trash comments? Morons. They say they could play in the creeks, but there are none. Linda says they could cut down trees, but there are none.

See, this is what I have come to loathe about this family. The mom joins right in like she’s some immature little tripe of a fifteen year old trying to fit in. Nothing looks dumber than the parent trying to act the child. Give it up, sugar. Seriously. Then Rachel. Sweet little “we’re the only Christian family” here Rachel, says, while nastily laughing up a storm, that they could spray all their mud huts and dirt homes with water. GET OUT OF MY TELEVISION.