A Not-Quite "Insider" Look at Survivor: Guatemala, Episode 11: The Great Myth

Now, I could probably write an entire article comprised of a rant against CBS and bears consistently wiping themselves in front of me, but who would read it? Okay, who other than all of you would read it? Right, my point exactly. So, come along with me while I try to use my magical powers of prediction during predilections to show you all what we missed from the editing room floor.

Editor’s Note: What you are about to read is a parody. As far as we know, none of this actually happened, but considering we can’t watch the clips, we’ll never really know, now will we?

Gary’s Final Words: Gary smirks at the camera and yells “Bring on the pizza, the beer, and the Dallas cheerleaders!” Jeff, Julie, and the whole crew run onto the camera with pom poms and the party begins. In the background, a keg is tapped and someone yells out “Food Fight!” The clip ends as pizza smatters the camera.

Gary, the Day After, Part I: “Little queenie bopped at the high school hop, dancing to the beat, with a U.S. male and a pony tail, she looked so sweet.” Oops, wrong Gary, wrong part I. Probably a good thing. This Gary doesn’t strike me as the “live in Vietnam and break the laws” sort of guy. If my take on the Final Words is accurate, then Gary the day after is a man looking even more haggard than Gary after the mud challenge. In the amusing flights of fancy in my mind (and I use amusing in the “amusing to me, who cares about the rest of you” sense), Gary would be slumped against a wall, with a beer hat on, and a cheerleader passed out as his feet. He stares at the camera, drool running down his chin, and then barks, “Go Survivor! GO GO GO!” Then he abruptly shuts his eyes and starts to snore.

Gary, the Day After, Part II: There are no lyrics to Part II, so I’ll forego the glitter of my esoteric attempts at comedy. Heh. It’s later in the day and the camera crew has cleaned up the beer bottles and cheerleaders. Someone has shaved Gary. He sits at the table with a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water. He just shakes his head at the camera and whimpers slightly as he downs some more aspirin, hands shaking.

Okay, seriously, Gary was a class act. I totally loved his brand of lying and how he never stopped playing the game, right until the end. This glass of port is for you, Gary! The game loses a bit of luster with you gone. You strike me as a great guy, and I wish I could have heard your real thoughts on it all. I totally digged the quasi-Animal House reel playing in my head though. Seriously.

Immunity Challenge, Maya Folklore, Part I & II: Listen children, to a story, that was written long ago, about a whore, in the sky, and her many men below. This is the X-Rated version of the myth entitled Mayan Moon Slut Beats Sun, Miffs Mars, Jerks Jupiter. This story features Danni, Cindy, and Stephenie acting out key roles in the mud. [Editor’s Note: This sounds WAY better than what I saw on Thursday] Judd narrates, but it’s Bobby Jon and Brandon sans shirts who play the male leads.

On a more bland note, this probably shows more people missing totally easy and stupid questions about the Mayan myth. The myth rocked, didn’t it? Loved that moon chick!

Reward Challenge, Shattered Dreams, Part I & II: Great, now I have Johnny Hates Jazz stuck in my head. Thanks, CBS. Bastards. While it is probably contains more detail of the questions asked, and of people beating clay pots with bats, in MY head, this clip is when Lydia totally snaps and runs after Stephenie with a bat, shrieking “Tall eating BITCH! I want food TOO!” It stops when self-proclaimed gay Mormon boy, Rafe, tackles Lydia and throws her to the howler monkeys. And people say reality is more fun then fiction. Hah!

Coffee Klatch: This is explained as “the camp’s power brokers enjoy their morning coffee, while those not in favor look on. Cindy explains the rules of coffee in Guatemala.” There can be no “rules of coffee” because coffee is something you must make in order to wake up. No one can be held accountable for rules before waking up, ergo, there is no crying baseball and no rules of coffee! Here’s how I see it looking:

[Guatemalan ruins, Xhakum camp] The early morning sun shines bright and cheerily over Stephenie as she stretches and murmurs “This is my game, people, and it only took me two tries to get it right.” Judd, Rafe, and Cindy gaze upon her in admiration, each thinking of new ways to please their moon goddess this morning. Five feet away, a black cloud of doom hangs over Gary, Danni, and Lydia. A lightning bolt narrowly misses Danni’s cowboy hat. Gary mutters something about needing an iron football and five minutes alone with Stephenie. Danni shows off her abdomen. Lydia gnaws on a piece of leather from her shoe. The power brokers beam in the sunlight as Juan Valdez fills their mugs with coffee and reminds them not to forget the rules.

Yeah, I bet you’re wishing there were real clips about now, aren’t you? TOUGH! There are more flights of fancy to come. Sit back and enjoy the ride, people. It’s Heathyr Does Guatemala. Love me or get the hell away!

Sneaky Quarterback: This is about Gary preparing to fight for his life in Guatemala in the upcoming challenges, per the clip info. Ergo, I say they’re playing the REAL Mayan game. The loser obviously will have their head chopped off and used as a ball. Sweet! Hey, can someone import the Weavers from The Amazing Race for this segment? Pretty please?