An "Insider" Look at Survivor: Guatemala, Episode 12: Blindsided, Man

Apologies for not presenting the normal column last week. I tried, I really did. The morons over at CBS.com outdid themselves, actually making it so that it was impossible for us to view the videos! Something of a disadvantage if you want to do the recaps, you know?

I’m pretty much quoting Judd word-for-word this week, because you can’t get hilarious comedy like this outside of My Name Is Earl or The Office these days. Which you should really watch once Amazing Race is over, if you aren’t already taping it.

Judd’s Final Words: He’s really pissed off, pissed on, lied to, and betrayed. One thing he’ll take with him is his morals and integrity. One thing he didn’t do is lie to anybody, man. Wow. Just… wow. He never made a promise to anyone. They pissed all over him because everyone in the jury liked him. Once they got rid of Jamie, that was his “falling point.” They knew the jury was banking for him, and that was annoying the crap out of them. Get rid of the biggest target, and that’s what they did. He can’t wait for the final, he’ll have a lot more to say than that, man. He could have really used the money, but he played his hardest.

He never even went camping before but he lasted over thirty days. He lost about forty pounds. That’s probably the best thing that happened to him out there. Everyone should come out and try the jungle diet, you lose one or two pounds a day. He would suggest to everyone back home to come to the Guatemalan jungle and lose weight. He did. His straight faced delivery of this is just incredible. I pause to email this idea to the Guatemalan tourism board.

This whole experience made him a better man. He takes a lot for granted. When you’re stuck out there for 33 days, it’s a lot to think about. He was blessed to get this experience, it was like mental rehab for him.

He would have never expected to be blindsided. It’s not like he can’t believe it, he is a big threat. It comes down to the jury, he was tight with Bobby Jon, Jamie, and Gary. That’s what their vote was based on. It doesn’t feel good being blindsided and it sucks being lied to. He made one promise in the game, and he didn’t lie to anybody. I don’t know which is funnier, the fact that he seems to have forgotten all about the previous tribal council, or that he thinks Gary would vote for him. To be lied to your face on the way to tribal, for them to say it was Lydia, really pissed him off but what are you gonna do? Can’t cry over spilled milk, there have been worse things that happen in his life and he’s just got to accept it. Hopefully he won’t put the weight back on.

To his tribe, he believes they’re a bunch of scumbags and he hopes they all get eaten by crocodiles. He hopes there’s five crocodiles, one for each of them. They’re nothing but dirt. He’s got nothing nice to say to them. There’s only one person who didn’t blindside him and he knows exactly who it was.

First, I wonder if he thinks Steph voted for Lydia with him? If so, that’s even funnier. Second, he seems to be handling it really well. No spilled milk here, no siree.

Interestingly, no “day after” clip.

Is That a Frog in Your Shorts, or…?: Judd has jock itch. He was changing his shorts to go to the pool and a frog jumped in his shorts. The frog probably dumped all over his shorts and Judd will have bacteria up to his neck by the end of the week. To quote a personal hero of mine, Dr. Evil: Charming.

Is This a Gavel I See Before Me?: Treemail is a gavel. They figure out it’s an auction. Thank God for the Insider, how else would we know about this stuff?

Loved Ones Auction: Someone pointed out to me that Lydia, who was whining about not getting any food, immediately paid $140 for a mosquito net. Granted, that’s a useful device in the jungle, but when you’re angering you own alliance because you supposedly want to eat so badly, wouldn’t you think you’d do something about it when you had the chance? Bidding on beef jerky or counter-bidding on cookies, for example?

The other half of this reward, for me, was seeing Cindy with her twin. However, I just couldn’t get interested in the thought. All I could think of was two of those voices blathering in my ear all night.

Finally, there’s been discussion about who Judd took. I think he did the honorable thing, bringing the sister of the person whose cash donation helped him win, Cindy, and the boyfriend of his alliance-mate and second place finisher, Steph. He really had no other choices.

Monkeyshines: Judd’s wife can’t sleep with the frogs and monkeys. At least the frogs aren’t in her pants. She can’t believe Judd can sleep through it. Sometimes you learn to cope. Although we bought our house four months earlier than planned because we can’t deal with the jackoffs that live below us, so who knows.

Watch Your Step: Immunity challenge. This event is one of the more boring challenges, in my opinion. It’s nice and strategic and all that, but it’s certainly dull to watch. I also figured they’d do like they did in a past season (Marquesas?) and have the loved ones do the challenge.

As for Danni’s advantage, I thought she used it way too soon, but I think she was worried that if she waited too long, she wouldn’t really be helping herself by using it. I would have waited until I was almost eliminated and then changed places with the player in the best position. Steph was irritated by the move, but hey, she should have bid for it.