Skating with Celebrities, Episode 1: A Night of Jitters and Glitter

I know what you’re thinking. “Why is the Idol guy doing this show when a new season has started?”

Well, after four years of Idol coverage, I just didn’t have the time to devote to it that I usually do. I’ll be watching as a fan, just like you. Meanwhile, Skating with Celebrities is only six weeks or so, and it’s a subject that I can speak with some authority. Not that I’ve ever skated, but that’s okay. I’ve seen it on television a lot. Hey, most figure skating judges have never done it before it either!

I started watching figure skating many moons ago, primarily because it was funny to watch people fall. And I’ve seen some doozies! But, before I realized it, I was aware of when U.S. Nationals was taking place (and looking forward to it!). I knew who was good and who wasn’t, my own scoring in my head was usually right there with the actual judges. I knew when a jump was coming in a program. I knew a sauchow from an axel! God help me, I’ve become a figure skating fan!

Which made me curious to cover this show. How much actual skating will they do? Can we expect a triple loop from Todd Bridges or are they gonna give us spiral sequences to death? I promise not to become Dick Button (the crusty Dick Button that groans about lay-back positions and catch-foots). This should be a good time!

On with the show.

We begin with a screaming Scott Hamilton (sounding oddly like Bobcat Goldthwaite) and Summer Sanders (wasn’t she a swimmer?) welcoming us. Summer is towering over Scott. “Can you believe we’re doing this?” is the banter. Summer tells us scores from this week and next week will determine which couple is going home. No America, we do not have a say in this.

Scott shrilly says lets meet the judges. They are Coach John Nicks, who claims Peggy Fleming and Sasha Cohen as his trophies (actually, Sasha fired him twice because she wasn’t “getting anything” out of working with him, yet she’s back with him again. This week. Peggy never harkens back to her days with Nicks anymore. When she did, they weren’t pleasant memories); Dorothy Hamill, still beautiful, still sporting that ‘do; Mark Lund, the founder of International Figure Skating Magazine and CNN analyst.

Each week, we are told, the programs increase with difficulty, with an element that MUST be performed. This week, it is the dreaded spin… must have at least three revolutions, but can be performed as a pairs’ spin or an individual one. And, this week’s musical theme is movie music. Maybe that’s why the show started with that homogenized “Eye of the Tiger.”

First up is Kurt Browning and Deborah Gibson. Kurt is worried that he is a singles skater and doesn’t know a lot of the pairs tricks. He thinks he is the short end of the straw! Deborah giggles through rehearsals like it’s her sixteenth birthday. Kurt says their strategy is to use Deborah’s Broadway skills to mask that they don’t have many big tricks.

They perform to “How Do You Like Your Eggs in the Morning,” an old Dean Martin gem. Dressed like a ‘50s couple, Kurt’s idea of using theatrics is a clever one. Deborah still looks like a novice, but did manage a single axel and looked like she was going to do a death spiral. Didn’t happen though. Kurt managed to do the hard stuff while presenting Deborah as the male. Smart thinking.

Dorothy congratulated them on being first, and says she was “enchanted.” John thinks they did okay, but he wasn’t fooled by the theatrics. “Too much fluff!” he barks. Mark says he liked the spin (geez, I missed it!), but admonished Kurt for stepping on Deborah during her lunge. It must be tough for the pros having to deal with serious novices like this.

In the kiss and cry area (where skaters wait for their scores), Deborah says she’s glad she can sit back and enjoy the rest of the performances now, and notes she’s never been scored on anything in her life before (remember school, Deborah?). Summer reminds us there will be a technical score and an artistic impression score on a scale of one to ten.

First, the technical scores. John: 7.8, Dorothy: 8.0, Mark: 8.0 = 23.8
Now, the artistic impression scores. John: 8.0, Dorothy: 8.2, Mark: 8.0 = 24.2

Their total is 48.0.

Next, Tai Babilonia and Bruce Jenner. Tai was thrilled to see her partner would be her old buddy from the 1976 Olympics. But, that joy became concern when 55-year old Bruce had so much trouble with his twice surgically repaired knees!

No need to worry though. Bruce and Tai skated to “Up Where We Belong” from An Officer and a Gentleman, Bruce even wearing what appeared to be a Navy officer’s uniform. Not only did Bruce do his own spin, but he managed two single axels, a lift, and a couple of pairs holds! Nice!!!

John is up first. He says Tai is still one of the most beautiful skaters in the world. Bruce agrees. Me too. “However,” John sniffs, “your artistry is nonexistent.” The audience rightly boos the curmudgeon. Dorothy commends them that skating to slow song can expose a lot of flaws, and she didn’t see many. Mark says he knows how difficult it is to teach adult skating and commends him on doing two waltz jumps in a row. (I called them axels! Consider me corrected!)

In the kiss and cry area, Bruce babbled something about not being in the club for the last month. Now for the scores.

Technical scores. John: 8.0, Dorothy: 8.1, Mark: 8.2 = 24.3
Artistic impression scores. John: 8.1, Dorothy: 8.3, Mark: 8.1 = 24.5

Their total is 48.8!