An "Insider" Look at Survivor: Exile Island, Episode 5: All About the Bob Dawg

I’m just about to give up on these people. Seriously. No amount of ranting seems to be appropriate. One wonders if they’ve seen any episodes of the show, between Shane and his pissy self, Danielle and her smug satisfaction at ratting out Bruce at Tribal Council. What the hell was that? “Oh, teacher, teacher, Bruce drank the wine!” I was hoping someone would knock that grin off her face, but then they’d probably cut their arm off on her teeth. And Courtney’s just a freak. I’m going to have SO MUCH FUN ripping on her exit videos.

Bobby’s Final Words: Bobby wins me over immediately by saying that he could have played differently, but he just couldn’t stomach some of those jokers. He’d break those fools in half in the real world – and I believe that – so he couldn’t play nice with people he had no respect for. Aras is not included in that. Aras is a stand-up guy, they promised to watch each other’s back, and he tried. The three girls, Courtney, Danielle, and Shane (heh) were spineless little twerps. Just being around them made him want to throw up, and he didn’t even have any food TO throw up! He was looking for stuff to vomit up. Congratulations, they made it farther than he did, but in the real world, he’s still the Bob Dawg and they’re their weak little selves.

There’s no reason for them to get rid of him this early. People were worried that he and Aras still had a pact with Nick and Austin, and they didn’t trust them to carry their alliance through. People in Casaya were brought together out of weakness and desperation. And what’s more, two of them are dumb. Not his opinion, he says, objectively speaking. They’re led by some “softie small chest weak-tattooed pied piper who is lucky he didn’t walk into a backhand during his time here.” He wanted to wring (Shane’s) pencil neck. He’d be afraid of Bob Dawg too.

He wasn’t going to try to cater to them, it’d be like trying to take Ronald McDonald seriously. He’s meant to be laughed at, just like these jokers. Unfortunately, the game allows weaklings and nerds to bind together and get stronger. In the real world, the more weaklings you add to a group, the weaker it gets. I have to admit I agree with him here, it’s my big problem with Survivor is that it rewards weakness at times.

Shane made him swear on his (Shane’s) son. Giving Shane a promise was like tricking his dog to come into the house with a milk bone. That is absolutely hilarious. Shane is nobody, he’s nothing. He slid by, he’ll catch him on the backside. Some day they’ll be on the street, Bobby will give Shane five and Shane will collapse “from the sheer might of my mightiness.” Boy, he likes himself, but he’s funny and what he says is pretty much true, so I’m letting it go.

He met some really great people. Aras and Bruce will probably be his friends for life, and Cirie is a really great person, one of the sweetest people he’s ever met. She’s also an underestimated schemer. I said it first! She wormed her way into the alliance and left Bob Dawg hanging a little bit. Which is cool, she’s not there to play for him, she’s there to play for herself. Yes!

Just to clear it up about the wine bottle. He couldn’t say why he really drank the wine – because he had no respect for those chumps, and he dared one of them to roll up on him. And none of them did. It wasn’t about him not realizing that they were saving it, it was about them being spineless little chumps. He tucked his personality away for fourteen days, walking on eggshells. They’re lucky he didn’t decide to go Bob Dawg gangsta on them and start pushing them around. But he didn’t have the energy to push them around all the time.

He wanted to win, but he never got his game off the ground. He was praying for a swap, but the jokers got him first.

Egotistical? Yep. Bullying? Sure. And I don’t necessarily like some of the things he is implying or his might makes right attitude. But keep in mind he was talking about the “three girls” who, in my mind, deserve all that and more for the way they’re playing, and I’m sorry we didn’t get to see it happen.

Bottom line, Bobby may be an ass, but he’s a FUNNY ass, and he obviously deserved to go much, much farther. Had he gone on La Mina, he’d be so tight with Terry and Dan, they’d squeak. Just another example of the one thing I hate about this game, and that’s that all the merit, all the skill in the world will get you nowhere if you’re with the wrong people. People like Bobby, Hunter, Sarge, Brian, and others are cursed to not get far in this game.

Just another argument, in my mind, for my Survivor: Second Chance idea. A follow-up, though – can you imagine a series with nothing but type-A personalities like those listed above?

In any case, I like Bobby a lot, and I’m really upset to see him voted out.

Bobby, the Day After: If Shane lifted more weights, he might look like Orlando Bloom. Ouch. That may be what helped him get along with the women because they’re all weaklings. His plan was to find other strong ex-athlete guys who eat steak, drink whiskey, and watch SportsCenter eight times a day, who would understand why it’d be in their best interest to keep the strong people around.

Shane’s got his little liver bellied snakes willing to follow him through the gates of hell because they’re afraid to break off on their own. It’s not that Shane plays the game hard, it’s that he’s a slimy little dude. He’d catch his share of backhands in the real world, but out here you’ve got to let him do his thing because he’s got the numbers. He threatened to quit at one point, and Bobby was ecstatic on a strategic and personal level. But he can’t think of anything vicious to say because he’s really not all that important to him. Except that he’s been talking about him the last two minutes…

Shane’s chest is smaller than his abs. He should be a comedian or something. And he’s got the weakest tats ever. He better never go to prison because he wouldn’t even make it to his bunk the first night. And why would you come out here with a mullet? He knew when they’d be leaving, go get a haircut! And his tighty-whities aren’t even tight. Go with the extra smalls if the smalls are too baggy. The real world doesn’t work for guys like that, which goes to show, this is not the real world. Attributes you wish would carry someone to the top of the game don’t necessarily do that. Not that he has anything vicious to say to him, mind you. Of course, I find all this hilarious because I think Shane is an idiot and a poser, but still.

Biggest surprise is exactly how beat down you are at challenges. Having to go gather wood, and play these interpersonal political games, not having water for five days or food for ten, it takes a lot out of you. It doesn’t come across on TV how much you suffer.

He fainted at one point. He was just standing there going through his “Bob Dawg madness” and the next thing he knew, he hit the deck. He passed out from dehydration, and the next day they had to do an immunity challenge. People are walking around like zombies a lot of the time.