Unan1mous, Episode 1: Despite All Their Rage, They Are Still Just Rats in a Cage

Unan1mous is the new show by the producers of the excellent Beauty and the Geek. While that show received, well, unanimous praise, Unan1mous has gotten reviews ranging from “addictive” to “tumor-encrusted.”

But those are the critics. I’ll reserve my critique for after I’ve seen the show myself. And that time is now, so let’s get to it!

Nine people are led deep underground for a “social experiment.” They like that phrase, don’t they? It will soon spiral out of control. They will have no sense of time, and no way out. This is all cut with the type of footage we’ve seen on the previews. They must pick one person to walk away with the money – and that decision must be Unan1mous! Will it be:

• Tarah, a 25-year-old designer
• Jonathan, a 30-year-old real-estate financer
• Adam, a 35-year-old professional poker player
• Kelly, a 49-year-old conservative minister
• Steve, a 43-year-old trucker
• Vanessa, a 35-year-old first-grade teacher
• Richard, a 42-year-old temp worker
• Jamie, a 24-year-old choreographer
• Jameson, a 38-year-old human resources manager

The nine are led into the bunker – they seem to like it. Everything is gleaming, stone and metallic. Someone notes that there are no windows. According to what I’ve read, these people have no idea what they’re in for, which makes them idiots in my book.

A creepy voice tells the “participants” to walk up to the “inner circle,” a Big Brother-like ¾ round table with a big hole in the middle and a smaller hole at each place setting. When they are seated, a man (producer J.D. Roth, looking like Seth Green’s older brother) pops onto the screen and tells them they’re there for one reason – to win $1,500,000. Kelly, the preacher, says “Thank the Lord!” and dances, and then in a confessional says, “Money is the root of all evil!” I’m hoping that was just editing, but if not, that was fast, even for a minister. The rest react as you’d expect.

The man… I’ve got to come up with a name for him. I don’t want to call him J.D., because that’s no fun. Big Brother is, obviously, taken. How about “Geek Overlord”? He looks pretty geeky. I kind of like that one.

The Geek Overlord tells them that they will award the money to one person, and it must be unanimous. Groans. All they have to do is convince the others that they are the most deserving. “How hard could that be?” Richard claims that he doesn’t have a job and drives a 10-year-old car. It’s their last chance to leave, and, of course, with the $1,500,000 literally hanging over their heads (it’s on a display above Geek Overlord’s face), no one does.

From now on, if anyone leaves, the prize money will be cut in half. Ouch. It’s time for them to get to know each other and decide what they will reveal about themselves. Their first vote will be “soon.” Jonathan says it’s just like meeting a girl. You feed her a lot of B.S. to get her home. He’s going to provide endless entertainment! Jameson thinks people will lie for the money – he will. Adam, the poker player, says his entire life is a game.

They did a damn good job of choosing these people, I gotta say.

One of the women complains that they’re lab rats. Duh. Next time don’t sign up for something without knowing what it is. It’s also hot, which is brilliant because making them subtly uncomfortable will only increase tension. Kelly doesn’t see how they’re going to be able to give the money to one person. There is much whining and such. Jameson points out there is incentive to keep the others calm, and he does.

Vanessa and Jonathan decide to bring everyone together to meet each other. Kelly runs an e-business to mentor people in order to make money. She’s also a minister. Zuh? Must be the Church of Jefferson and Grant. But then, aren’t they all?

Jameson is nervous because ministers “don’t typically like gay people.” Kelly is running her mouth about the bible. She says that every word in the bible is true, and so God hates gay people. Don’t EVEN get me started, because if Kelly had read every word of the bible, and if she believes every word is true, she’d implode in a confused mess of logic like a computer being talked to death by Captain Kirk on Star Trek.

But then, let’s just agree that Kelly is a hypocritical loudmouth ignorant moron and move on, shall we?

Kelly and Jameson argue about homosexuality, with Kelly saying “talk to the bible.” Idiot. She says that she may have made a mistake, but if God wanted her to win, there’s nothing that would stop it. Free will, anyone?

The rats are told to head to their sleeping quarters. No one likes sleeping in the bunker, mainly because they are disoriented, as they have no idea what time it is.

The next morning, Jonathan tells us that he had a great night’s sleep, or good day’s sleep, whatever it was. Heh. But it was creepy. Jonathan announces that he’s a bit nauseous because of his medicine. What medicine, someone asks, falling right into his plan. He “reveals” that he has testicular cancer and, oh yeah, no insurance. Kelly says that she’d vote for him in a second. I always love to see the cons get conned.

In confessional, Jonathan has to keep from laughing as he tells us it’s a total lie. I love it. It’s brilliant – scummy, but brilliant. Kelly says that he needs to pray. Jameson, of course, takes exception to her telling Jonathan to “pray on his testicles,” and tells her so. She says the bible says to pray for healing, which is true.

She tells Jameson that he is going to hell. He rightly tells her that she’ll be right there with him. Yep – judge not lest ye be judged? I wonder if Kelly has actually read the bible, or just the Cliff’s Notes. Jameson says he’ll never vote for her, so she might as well go home now. By that same token, so should he, as she’ll obviously never vote for him. Anyway, she says that she doesn’t want his vote, showing for the third time in as many minutes how stupid she is. She claims not to need the money. Jameson says he’s trying to get her to leave because he knows she’ll never vote for him. Well, you should never have opened your mouth the night before!