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Survivor Exile Island, Episode 7 Missing Intelligence Award: Wanted - Survivor Diet!by Heathyr Fields Ford -- 04/06/2006
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I have categorically concluded that I need a special Survivor: Fat Island! It will work just like normal Survivor with two caveats: one, all the people must be seriously overweight (not just fluffy), and two, once voted off, you go to a place just like the tribe you left, but now without any chance of winning a million dollars.
There you will partake in forced marches and other fun challenges all while eating rice and whatever you catch. My fat clings to me like a socialite to her rich husband, like a whore to her john, like a rat to Shane, like a... well, you get the idea, and Survivor: FI would be just the ticket. Can you tell I’ve just amped up my diet program and am being whiny? If not, just ask my boyfriend; he’s noticed. Trust me.
So anyway, there was some missing intelligence in this week’s episode. I’m sure you’re all stunned! However, one item in particular stands out above all else. We’ll get to that one later though.
First, let’s look at some honorable mentions.
The Old Casa Ya Crazy: Shoveling the rice as you see La Mina approaching equates to extreme childishness.
Shane & Aras: Your faux fondling of Bruce’s ego set off gag reflexes I didn’t know I had. That was so fake, I can’t begin to think anyone bought it. Oh mighty leader, oh aged and wonderment to the gods, show us the way!
Bruce: You get this for seeming to buy that load of crap! And for thinking you’re the all mighty swing vote of power. And for knowing you’re an outsider, but not doing a damn thing to fix it. I bet you’re an awesome guy on the outside, but inside Survivor, you’re not impressing me yet—and I desperately want to be impressed!
Austin: For “pretending to be weak” by coming in third!! And for freakin’ admitting it at Tribal Council! That just might come back to bite you on the ass. Or I could bite you on the ass? Hmmmm.
Nick: Who the hell taught you to cut upwards? ‘Nuff said.
Courtney & Danielle & Sally: I just don’t like you yet. I keep waiting to see if it’ll happen.
Cirie: Pat yourself on the back. You’re playing a great game, from this couch critic’s perspective, and making some great decisions. Good move on not going over to Terry’s side. While I’d like nothing better than to see Arass and InShane stumble on their freakazoid hineys, you are WAY better off with this bundle of misfits than the “power boys’ team.” When push comes to shove, I’m thinking you can push Shane over the edge and stir up the pot in a final six with the old Casaya. However, with the old La Mina, you’d’ve been hard-pressed to be anything but fifth or sixth, as they are practically rigid in their righteousness.
Drum roll, please. Ladies and gentlemen, Sane and InShanes, let me present to you the winner of last week’s Missing Intelligence Award—ALPHA TERRY!
Mr. I Rule The World and Can Rock Yours screwed up big time last week. First, his inability to accept his alphaless state in the new Gitano tribe led to the most inane “come to our side” talks ever. Condescension rarely gets you far in life, and even less far in Survivor. By approaching each of his potential flippers with an absolute aura of awesomeness, Terry pushed even the weakest of them (coughBrucecough) away. It’s obvious Austin, Nick and Terry saw themselves as final three material. By flipping, you become what, fifth, sixth, maybe fourth if you can toss Sally to the sharks? Not a real sweet deal. He did try to sweeten the pot with Bruce, suggesting a final two, wherein perhaps they could kung fu fight 200 imaginary opponents and dazzle the jury or something. However, nothing rang true in his attempts of swaying, and nothing is exactly what he got from them.
Second, Terry held the key to slightly evening the odds, and he purposefully chose not to use it. Maybe it takes a rocket scientist to figure this strategy out, so perhaps he should not have tossed out Dan, Dan the Alabaster Man so easily. By faking a loss to Nick at the Immunity Challenge, Terry would have drawn votes his way, since Shane jumped to the bright conclusion that Terry doesn’t have the idol. La Mina could toss votes to Aras, although they would have chosen the lesser important Shane, and brought the numbers down to Casaya 5, La Mina 4. At that point, it’s easier to swing an outlier or two hopefully, and voila!
For all of that, and for the teasers that show Terry brandying about his idol next week, Terry wins this week’s Missing Intelligence Award. Enjoy your crown, Terry, it may be all you get from Survivor unless you play a much better game in future weeks.
Heathyr Fields Ford resides in central Washington with a terribly patient boyfriend. An aspiring writer, she loves fan mail and suggestions for each week’s MIA, so email her at firstname.lastname@example.org..
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