Survivor Exile Island, Episode 9 Missing Intelligence Award: Shane's Nuts

I will leave it to you, dear readers, to decide if my title has “Shane” as a subject with a contraction or as a possessive. Both would be equally appropriate, eh?

So we’re currently watching Survivor: All Stars, recorded off of OLN a while back. [We have this thing about rewatching them in order, so this aired ages ago, and we just have them all on tape]. CBS, if you’re listening, do this again! It’s a different game, but it is definitely interesting to watch those dynamics. Matter of fact, I have a “twist” idea for y’all. I might just have to email it in, eh? If they use it, I believe I should get to witness it all firsthand. Imagine the great articles I could come back with!

But I digress.

My bleeding thumb and I bring you now to our latest installment of “whose intelligence went MIA this time?” [I cut myself opening a bottle of limoncello, but I am so dedicated, I finished my AR article and jumped right into this one. It’s amazing how effectively alcohol serves as a painkiller!]

So last week, Sally went home. Oh, and someone wrote me asking why she wears those knee socks. Two words for you: Catholic schoolgirls. Let me explain. Sally hopes to distract the men so much with Catholic schoolgirl fantasies at the sight of her knee socks that she can breeze through anything. Truly a viable tactic in my book!

Terry: This week, you do NOT get the award. Had you given the idol to Sally, you would have won yet again. It doesn’t do you any good anymore to put it into play before you absolutely have to, so kudos for hanging on to it now. And good job in trying to bluff people over to your side. However, your tactics on HOW to bluff need some work. Don’t say, “It may come into play.” Say, “It WILL come into play.” It’s okay to lie. It is Survivor, not Bible camp. Oh, wait, it’s usually okay to lie there, too.

Sally: You played hard, so you’re not getting this. It’s a shame you didn’t think to go for an all-girls’ alliance to match those knee high “all girls’ school” socks. Or if you did, it wasn’t shown. All the women should band with Terry and get rid of one guy. Then they’d have the numbers, and quicker than you can say “alpha male,” Terry is out the door when he doesn’t have immunity. Why do I have that Hee-Haw song stuck in my head right now? “You met another and pfft, you were gone!”

Aras: I still wonder if you sort of accidentally on purpose knocked those flags out so that you could go to Exile Island. If so, that was dumb. Never throw a challenge. Ever. However, if you did do it, it was so subtle no one will know it, so kudos on that. If it was just an error, well, pay attention, dude! On Exile Island, you were bright enough to realize your brain wasn’t firing on all cylinders, because I seriously doubt the idol was as hard to find as you think it was. The clues were fairly easy.

Cirie: I still think you’re doing okay so far. I’m highly amused you went from first one gone to at least final six and probably much higher.

Danielle: You cannot begin to fathom how much you annoy me.

Courtney: See above. Look up the words you don’t understand. And add on some additional fathoms for your bizarre belief that you could beat Terry in the final two. Honestly, you’re one of the Casaya members I think Terry could beat hands down. Add on some more for being offended by guys sharing stories. They’re guys. It’s what they do. There is nothing wrong with cool fighter pilot tales. It’s even better if they strip off their shirts and play beach volleyball after, but I digress.

Bruce: Eh.

A brief thought on family challenges in Survivor. I love my family; I really do. I love my other half with all my heart. He makes my life so much better, it’s unbelievable. But if I were gone on a game for a predetermined period of time, I do not foresee myself becoming a weeping, wailing, gnashing-of-teeth bundle of emotions. I just don’t get it! This leads me to…

Shane: Your sobbing about missing your son earned empathy with other recappers. It just made me roll my eyes. Dude, grow a set (without a rash), man up, and all that jazz. [I’m sure you’ve all realized by now, but if Shane’s son has his last name, the poor kid’s name is Boston Powers.]

Oh, and just because Cirie is a nurse does NOT mean she wants to, nor has to, see your junk. Seriously. Air them stones out and don’t panic. But please, for the love of God, keep them covered somehow. Something about you nude makes my skin crawl. Maybe it’s the way you walk, or the laundry list tattooed on your body. I don’t know. [For the record, I have nothing against tattoos. I am designing one that hopefully some day I can have done. But he totally looks like someone waited ‘til he passed out, then scribbled in Sharpie all over him.] Bring on the Hatch nude again first!

Oh, speaking of Richard: just rewatched the Sue meltdown on All-Stars. God, what a hose beast. And I don’t mean Richard and his little friend.

Cough. But anyway.

The award. Back to the award. This week’s award goes to multiple people. I’ve always said that intelligence is in inverse proportions to the number of people around (hence idiotic mob behavior). This week, Casaya minus Aras proves that I am right.

I don’t care how badly you will do. You never. Ever. Ever. Sit out on an immunity challenge! Juries will remember that. Plus, you totally put everything on Aras to keep Terry from immunity and a possibly bad situation. This was a huge wake-up call to Aras on how his tribe views him, since he was the obvious first choice for Terry to send home. If he did get voted out because of your stupidity, do you not think that would factor into his vote? Duh.

For sitting out en masse in an immunity challenge, Casaya minus Aras, this award is for you! Enjoy your MIA, because next week, one of you has to go.

Salut!

Heathyr Fields Ford resides in central Washington with a terribly patient boyfriend. An aspiring writer, she loves fan mail and suggestions for each week’s MIA, so email her at heathyranne@hotmail.com.

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