Celebrity Fit Club 4, Episode 7: I'm Running Out of Puns

It's Day 86 and the slimming stars arrive once again to find out how badly their guts have lost to the diet and exercise army. As usual, diet expert Dr. Ian Smith, psychologist Dr. Linda Papadopoulis, or whatever it is, and drill sergeant Harvey Walden IV will weigh in with their own advice at each weigh-in.

Speaking of weighing in, here's how the numbers crunch in so far:

THE FATCRUSHERS: Total loss of 99 pounds.

• BoneCrusher -- 381 pounds at previous weigh-in; total weight loss 43 pounds; current target 5 pounds.
• Carnie Wilson -- 172 pounds at previous weigh-in; total weight loss 16 pounds; current target 4 pounds.
• Nick Turturro -- 160 pounds at previous weigh-in; total weight loss 15 pounds; current target 3 pounds.
• Erika Eleniak -- 130 pounds at previous weigh-in; total weight loss 22 pounds; current target 4 pounds.

• Tina Yothers -- 161 pounds at previous weigh-in; total weight loss 32 pounds; current target 5 pounds.
• Vinny Pastore -- 255 pounds at previous weigh-in; total weight loss 19 pounds; current target 5 pounds.
• Angie Stone -- 214 pounds at previous weigh-in; total weight loss 12 pounds; current target 4 pounds.
• Ted Lange -- 164 pounds at previous weigh-in; total weight loss 25 pounds; current target simply to maintain his weight.

The carnage begins with BoneCrusher. He steps on the CWAP, which must be happy that Crusher is losing so much weight, especially the four pounds he lost tonight! Crusher now weighs 377 pounds. An impressed Dr. Ian asks what Crusher plans to do after the show is done. Crusher repeats his aspiration to reach 300 and stay there, which bothers Linda. She knows he can and should shoot for something like 270, so she wonders if Crusher feels his bulky frame alludes to power and "macho-ness." Crusher denies that dropping below 300 will remove that imposing feeling.

Speaking of imposing, Harvey flashes us back to their one-on-one basketball game at Venice Beach. First to eleven baskets wins. Crusher has the early advantage, using his size to block Harvey and take the early lead. With a little cheering from Dr. Ian, Harvey fights backs and scores three in a row. Crusher tries literally crushing Harvey to throw him off-balance. However, Harvey quickly adapts and blows Crusher out of the water, winning 11-2. Despite the blow-out, Harvey is still proud of Crusher back at the weigh-in. He notes that Crusher's activity "speaks volumes." With fourteen days until the final weigh-in, Crusher's final target is set at five pounds.

This week's Celebrity Fit Club Healthy Eating Tip is a bit early. It is, "By eating 3 servings of low fat dairy a day, you'll get all of the vitamins and minerals needed to build healthy bones. Low fat milk has even more calcium than whole milk." The Tyler Sandersfeld Healthy Eating Tip of the week is, "Don't chew lollipops and other candies made for sucking. The benefit is four-fold: the flavor will last longer, you won't go through as many calorie-filled candies, your teeth won't suffer from biting the hard candy, and your gums and cheeks won't get cut from candy shards."

Speaking of sweets, it's time for my favorite part of the show: FIT CAMP! This week's Fit Camp is a grueling triathlon relay at Walnut, California. Is it really a good idea to tape a weight loss program in a town named after a food item? At least it's something I'm not particularly fond of. Anyway, one team member must swim four lengths of a 25-meter pool. Two will ride bikes for a total of three miles per team. The final teammate will run one mile on the track. The prize is $2000+ worth of goods from Cuisinart, whose name sounds much less appetizing than the food that comes out of its kitchen appliances and utensils. Was that unpaid sellout too mean?

After much snooping on the parts of rivals Nick and Erika and Ted and Alice... I mean, Tina, everyone learns that Carnie and Tina will swim, Crusher and Erika and Vinny and Angie will bike, and Nick and Ted will run, continuing their heated battle for bragging rights and maybe a pretzel. The race starts in the pool, where Tina's unorthodox "underwater doggy paddle" proves more effective than Carnie's traditional freestyle. Hot Buttered Soul in red has a 31-second advantage going into the bicycle leg, but Erika quickly overcomes Vinny. Remembering Angie's physical shutdown during the three-wheel race at the second Fit Camp, Angie competes very well this time, completing two laps in a row which is a very big thing indeed! Still, The FatCrushers in blue hold a 1:04 lead heading into the running finish. While Ted turns up the heat hoping to catch up, Nick slows down to a walk for a while. Although it appears that Ted may take it, Nick sprints the final half-lap to claim a 33-second victory! Nick gloats about this at the end, despite Ted's accurate point that he walked a good portion while Ted ran the whole way. So shut up, Nick!

Nick Turturro may have slowed down during the race, but he still won. However, his weight loss has also been slowing down. Despite this, Nick has still slimmed down quite a bit from the first night, where he refused to take off his shirt for the 360-degree camera shot. This gave Nick the confidence to shop for new beach wear, and he feels the need for Speedo. I feel the need to speed past this, but since I don't have my own DVR, my eyes will have to suffer. The black-and-blue piece is particularly ugly, and the yellow is not much better. And then he dons a red Speedo with less fabric than a Boy Scout badge. Believe me, I can almost see his boy scouts! Luckily (I think), he settles for the yellow and hits Point Pleasant Beach in New Jersey to play with his kids (not those kids, gutterbrain!).