An "Insider" Look at Survivor: Cook Islands, Episode 3: You're Breakin' My Heart

To say that I’m not enthusiastic about this season would be a wild understatement. This has been an excruciatingly bad few weeks, and anyone who has been reading me for any length of time knows I’m going to blame it squarely on the casting. Looking for races instead of personalities has doomed this season to the also-ran bin.

And for what? A couple days of publicity and some upset sponsors? Do you honestly think that people WOULDN’T have talked about Survivor had it not been for the racial divide? Of course not. They’re either getting lazy about their twists, or they’re panicking over the declining ratings – after thirteen seasons. Who among us didn’t think that the tribes would merge after a couple of episodes? Honestly, was the publicity really that worth it? Someone in marketing explain it to me, please.

A few months ago, I wrote an article about how to freshen up American Idol. I’m not going to get into that amount of detail, but here are a few ideas, off the top of my head, that are infinitely better than the twists they’ve had lately:

• Take a page out of Lost - bring in two tribes, competing separately, each one thinking they’re the only tribe in the game. Or have a small tribe of “others” playing the game separately, and instead of a merge, insert them in. You could create an outcast tribe of those voted off, whose sole mission is to beat the Survivors and keep them from getting reward or immunity. This “extra tribe” scenario, in my mind, offers limitless possibilities
• Have one large tribe from the beginning, all individual challenges. I’ve been screaming for this forever, and I suppose I’ll just have to keep screaming.
• Like Amazing Race, mix up the eliminations. Do a challenge – say, a run through a deep mud pit – where the last man and last women are banished. And allow physical contact.

Again, just a couple off the top of my head. I’m sure the readers can come up with some as well, right?

Cecilia’s Final Words: I must say that I’m very disappointed that more people didn’t make the obvious musical reference. I guess I’m just getting old. She did crazy things that she never thought she’d do and never will do again. But she has no regrets, she had a great time. She hopes J.P. or Cristina or Ozzy win, they deserve it.

The vote is a testament to how quickly the vote can change. Four hours ago, they had a consensus on who was going home, now she’s going home. The tribe dynamics were good, so she thinks her leaving will weaken the tribe.

Cecilia, the Day After: She feels there is a lot more that she could have helped her tribe with. This is quite annoying, as she talks like the snotty cousin chick on Fresh Prince. What? My stepkids watch it constantly, all right? Sheesh. May I continue? Thanks.

They made a mistake in voting her off, not just in terms of strength, but for smarts and strategy as well. She tried to play with integrity. To vote someone (her) out just to go a little farther, she would have kept her word. Okay. She’s not upset, it was a game.

After the tribes merged, the whole dynamic changed. Thank you Captain Obvious! This was a very weird edit, as this sentence seemed stuck in out of nowhere. She says that the strength wasn’t as evenly distributed among the tribes anymore.

She goes on more about character, and I’m zoning out. Suffice to say that she blames her exit on people being liars and obviously she would never do that. Cristina had great character, apparently.

Her best time was the first five or six days when they had to build their home. It was before the strategy of the game came into play. She was surprised at how much she was able to bond with others. There are a few people who will become close friends. She may come off as nice and sweet on the island (BWAAAH!) but she’s really bitchy. That didn’t surface. Sure.

She was proud that she was able to be human and show emotion. She lives her life in a shell sometimes. This woman is making no sense. Maybe she’s too preoccupied with swatting the insect around her head to form a coherent thought?

Oh, in case you forgot, she won’t take things for granted. I was getting worried there. She’ll remember the people. She proved that she is able to adjust and adapt.

Yul Interview on Exile Island: He’s debating on whether or not to tell people that he’s found the idol (which, in case you couldn’t see it on the show, looks like an old compass). He’s inclined to tell Brad and Becky, but it might be a huge mistake. Lying is not ideal at this point either, as he wants to play with integrity.

The First Merge: Nyargh. Enough said.

Steeple Chase: Steeple chase? Isn’t that the horse race with huge jumps? What the hell does that have to do with anything? In any case, a return of a great challenge, but due to, well, lack of competitiveness I suppose (see above) it flopped.

Parvati Interview: Do you think she hates J.K. Rowling in the same sense that the geek in Office Space hated Michael Bolton? In any case, she’s pretty hot, but the combination of her voice and her bitchy demeanor makes me want to strand her on Exile Island, permanently.

She loves the tribe. I care. Everyone is really cool, everyone has something unique to add, plus the tribes are really strong. She decided to get close to Nate. She’s a flirty girl and guys respond to that. If I thought the editing above was odd, she can’t go two sentences without getting edited!

Brad is really funny, so she’s had a lot of conversations with him. They both like to shop and talk about clothes. She has a lot of gay guy friends. She’s a fag hag? She knows how to work gay guys as well. She’s got a lot of tricks up her sleeve, she’s not just limiting herself to heterosexual men. Ugh, someone hit her with a shovel, please?