The Apprentice 3, MVPs and LVPs: Episodes 2 & 3 Corner Office & Mailroom Assignmentsby Mel Ellis -- 02/07/2005
Okay, I have no excuse. I failed you guys this last week and I do apologize. I started a new job and it's a bit overwhelming. Nevertheless, I am back to update you on who has been sent to the corner office and who has been sent to the bowels of the company mailroom. It's been two episodes since we've spoken, so let's get to it!
Week 2 saw the teams renovating hotels. Each was given a $20,000 budget, which would be all right if they used it wisely. However, we all know that wasn't gonna happen, didn't we? Especially since each team hired Neanderthals as program managers. Michael proved to be the reincarnation of Damien: Omen II, riding roughshod over his team and their ideas. And Brian proved that not all a--holes know what to do with toilets. How did each team fare?
Team Streets: Brian seemed to have "small man's complex," insisting his way was the only way. As a result, working toilets were ripped out at great cost and expense, but dirty, ratty, smelly carpet was not. Tana seemed to think that a free paper would make everything okay, but the nasty carpet was a fact no one could overlook. Angie (who is a dead-ringer for Chynna from Surreal Life 4) was competent, although her best moment was telling Kristen to shut the hell up.
Speaking of Kristen---the only way she made it through the boardroom was due to Brian's massive ego and even more massive stupidity. No one, least of all me, like a whiner. Instead of b----ing about Brian, try working for the betterment of the team and put Brian to the side, like John did. John, once again, was the clear leader and MV team player this week. He was the only one who attempted to deal with Brian, and he worked as hard, if not harder, than anyone. John, once again, you get the corner office. Keep this up and we'll order a nameplate for the door. I would have given Brian mailroom duty, but he was so incompetent and so fractious, I'd be worried he'd screw deliveries up and then go postal. Get it? Go postal? Mailroom? I slay myself. Nope, the mailroom mama this week is Kristen. The mailroom is 32 floors down, so she can b----h and complain as much as she wants and no one will hear her.
Team Schools: Erin proved that no one looks good in a bathmat, even if it is pink. Verna proved that even ivy leaguers can be quitters. Bren proved that he actually can do something, even if it is tattle on Verna and complain about there being no breakfast. One question, counselor: are you arms broken? You don't see coffee and donuts, gettem yourself! Jeesh! He may be a fellow prosecutor, but he ain't representin'. Danny seemed to have cleaned up his act this week, but not enough to warrant the corner office. No, I think I'll give it to Kendra, for being the most astute member of the team last week (fingering the program manager as the source of the team's troubles in the Burger King fiasco) and for keeping her head down and working hard on the hotel job. Kendra, kick off those pumps and rest on the sofa. I'll have one of the secretaries give you a foot rub. As for mailroom duty, is there really any competition? Michael proved to be both ineffectual and egotistical, fatuous and condescending, and a domineering, petulant leader. Here's hoping a week in the mailroom jumpsuit will blow off some of his baseless narcissism.
How do the teams tally up at the end of the second week?
Coffee was the product to be sold in Week 3. The teams had to come up with "buzz" for Nescafe, what I've always thought of as the Sanka of Europe. You know, the gritty stuff you get with a day-old croissant at some hole-in-the-wall patisserie off the Pont Neuf. Guess Nestle isn't fond of that image. Since they already had a challenge to "create buzz" (a loathsome phrase) about BK sandwiches, I'm starting to wonder if The Donald and La Burnett are out of fresh ideas. How did each team fare with $75,000 and the instant coffee world's version of, well, instant coffee?
Team Streets: Kudos to Chris for suggesting a cash prize, although it would be more impressive to see a team try to "create buzz" without throwing gifts and money at people. Now that would be a challenge. Otherwise, in my very humble opinion, the only buzz you're creating is about the giveaway, no? And stop screaming at people on the street. he looked like he was as likely to mug them as to give them a cup of coffee. Angie gets points for "volunteering" to lead, although she seemed a bit too eager and only when Carolyn walked in. Her patriotic theme was, to me, a bit uninspired and had zippo to do with coffee. Since no one else from the team was shown, I'll make my decisions with these two. Given the slim pickings, the corner office is Angie's and Chris will pull mimeographing duty in the mailroom.
Team Schools: Stephanie's idea to hire an event planner was wonderful, although I think the price was steep and her attitude stunk. She abdicated so quickly and so loudly, that even though they won, she came of like a loser. Get off your high horse, Miss Universe! (Anyone tell me where that quote is from?) Danny was fractured and pitiful. I almost felt sorry for him--almost, until I saw his itty bitty ponytail in the boardroom. Between his constipated decision-making abilities and his pimp/hippy style, I want him in the mailroom where he only has to follow orders, and where no one has to look at him. But then there's Michael, who lies to Trump about his usefulness, abdicates any teamwork once they reject his "good looking chicks" idea, and was most useful in the task when he put a serving dish on his head. Michael, the mailroom has two stools. Erin has to get rid of those bangs and her whiny attitude, pronto!, or I'll be sending an intern to Office Depot to get another mailroom stool.
I'm not sure anyone in Schools deserves the corner office this week, unless it's Darren, the somewhat snippy event planner. I thought his "you have 60 seconds" talk was ridiculous, but everyone admitted that there would have been nothing without him. Schools had no tag line, no theme; without the "event" they would have been SOL. Bren was a candidate, for his mastery in electing Danny in order to get Danny to self-destruct and then get fired (Bren is Dr. Evil with a goofy bowtie and Gomer Pyle accent). However, although scheming and plotting may get one promoted, it won't get you the corner office. Nope, the solid money is on Darren. Like Ilsa, the designer who put up with the men in Apprentice 2, Darren was the saving grace of the Schools team.
So, how did everyone stack up after Week 3?
Who'll be promoted and demoted next week? I can't wait to find out. See you then!
If you havenít already, be sure to check out these other Apprentice 3 Episode 3 articles:
Mel Ellis is a prosecutor and loves a good debate. Feel free to email her with your thoughts on who should be or should have been mail clerks or apprentice CEO's. You can reach Mel at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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