Celebrity Apprentice, the Kinda One-Third(ish) of the Way Performance Reviews: The Business of Celebrity Business is Celebrity

In case you have been wondering (and bless you if you have), I took a self-imposed exile from all things reality TV, which included RNO. In a classic good news/bad news situation, I got a yuuuuge promotion at work, but that left my already busy schedule and frazzled mind in absolute tatters. But I’m back, if only temporarily.

Regular readers may remember that I was incredibly jazzed about The Apprentice when it first started. I thought it was the perfect show - Survivor for business people. In the beginning, that’s what it was, but it became more about Donald Trump (who let’s just say I’ve never been overly impressed with in the first place and leave it at that, otherwise this column will be twice as long) and his famous friends than it was about business itself.

Then came Celebrity Apprentice. Theoretically, one would imagine that it would be the business version of Dancing with the Stars, where celebrities would be forced out of their element and excel in a field that they normally wouldn’t have anything to do with. After all, most celebrities have agents and managers and assistants to help them with their real business dealings. And failing that, many of the celebrities chosen had a background in business, Tito Ortiz and Gene Simmons being two examples, so at least you’d have celebrities showing their business smarts. But no. Instead, it became exactly what I feared – Donald’s ego imprinted onto 14 contestants competing to see who can wave their, um, black books the hardest.

That’s the failing of the show, the challenges. When you have celebrities with contacts willing to drop $10,000 (for charity or no), you should have ZERO tasks where raising money is the deciding factor. The exception, of course, is the inevitable retread of the “celebrity auction” challenge from seasons past. To find out the most business-savvy executive, you need to find out who can use their celebrity best, not who can get someone to pay $50 or $100 or $10,000 for a hot dog. (And one wonders how much Sam from the first season fumes over such overpaying) Getting a big one-time sale is great, but to make money, one has to have a good product and be able to sell it. That’s not what’s going on here. But then again, since when have the challenges on this show had anything to do with real life business situations?

As in the past, I’ll give advice to members of both teams, what they’re doing right or wrong, and what they need to do to win.

Team Hydra:

First off, I love the name. Taking your name from a mythological beast is usually a good idea, especially when it’s one that could only be killed by Heracles (and even he needed help). The symbolic concept of “cut off one head and two more grow back” is perfect for an elimination show like The Apprentice, where you’re basically saying “we’re one unit made up of smaller units, none of which is more important than another.” Of course, that’s not true, but hey.

Tito: I’m a huge UFC fan, so let’s start with one of the two main reasons I started watching this season.

Tito, you’re in trouble for a lot of reasons. For someone known as “The Huntington Beach Bad Boy,” you’ve hardly made a peep, letting yourself get overshadowed by literally everyone else on the team. Even when you were PM, it seemed Stephen did most of the planning.

I mentioned before that a lot of these challenges are based on your famous friends. It’s not right, but that’s how it is. Uh-oh. What will your response be in the boardroom when Donald asks why you didn’t call up your friends with the UFC? “Um, because they all hate me?” You and UFC President Dana White almost had a legitimate fight, which was only called off for contractual reasons, and bad mouth him at every opportunity. Chuck Liddell told the world in his book exactly how he feels about you (hint: it’s not friendly). You claim to have a good relationship with UFC owners and casino moguls the Fertitta brothers, so maybe you’ll use their help. I may be wrong, but I don’t think you have any other friends in the industry, at least none that have deep pockets.

You also take a lot of flack for your public statement that you let your girlfriend, Jenna Jameson, handle your business affairs and contract negotiations, and some say this is to your detriment as, to put it nicely, she’s not known as a shrewd businesswoman. Could this be why you really don’t have a lot to say here, because you’re out of your element? You’re an excellent marketer (and I’m surprised you didn’t push for your team to be Team Punishment – after your clothing line – as you did in The Ultimate Fighter 3), but can you hang in this world? Eventually, when the men start losing (or the teams get shuffled) people are going to start wondering why they should keep you around. Give them a reason.

By the way, I’m curious if Tito will take a lot of crap for missing this past week. I imagine Tito had to make an appearance at UFC 78. I say this because he turned down a main event rematch (of a crappy fight, I thought) to film this show. There’s no way he was actually IN a fight, because these guys train like mad, especially in the last few weeks leading up to the fight. In other words, his contract mandates that he appear at ringside at events he’s not fighting in. So, will he take crap for taking a task off in order to fulfill his contract? People on past seasons have gotten flack for attending religious services!

Piers: Boy, do a lot of people hate you. Personality-wise, I think you’re a huge jerk, but in business I don’t care about that. You get the job done, you’re willing to do what is necessary no matter how ridiculous you look holding a stuffed killer rabbit, and no matter what Stephen and Trace say (whose votes were strictly emotional) you have been the unquestioned leader and high producer on this team.

You need to tone it down. Way down. Omarosa proved once that being the villain only gets you so far. Unless you can pull a Donato and bring your daughter into the mix, you won’t make it past the final four.

The mole joke with Vincent was funny, but you took it way too far. You created enemies where none were necessary by repeatedly rubbing it in the women’s faces in the war rooms. Revealing the information did its job – it completely flustered the women and threw them off their game. But after so much ribbing, you only served to galvanize them and have them resolve to kick your butts. In essence, this is what you’ve been doing for five weeks. In real life, I’d hire you in a second because you get the job done. In this game, it makes people gun for you.

Stephen: I’m going to give this one opinion and then drop it – there is absolutely no difference between picking up a note and reading it and saying “Hey, teammate, look at this note laying here!” Your hypocrisy is astounding and the fact that you have no clue how you look just makes it worse.

Now, you, like Piers, also need to dial it back a few notches. Someone who gets the job done when it’s needed (Piers) is one thing. Someone who takes control where it is not needed or wanted, well, that’s you. You got supremely lucky in the Kodak challenge when your hyperactive act nearly cost your team the win (not to mention an expensive laptop). You keep this up, you’ll be fired eventually, assuming you don’t quit first (and I think this is just a tease for a reshuffle). No one as outspoken and in the forefront as you has ever won, or even made the finals. You have to know when to pull back, and I don’t think you have that ability.

Lennox: Perhaps fittingly, you’re playing the role of the good soldier right now. You always make an impact (heh), everyone likes you because you’ve got golden charisma just oozing out of you, and you do a good job.

The problem, of course, is leadership. The first time you are Project Manager will tell the tale of whether you are a true contender (seriously, I’m not doing the puns on purpose) or not. I just have this bad feeling that your first stint as PM will be hijacked by Stephen but you’ll get the blame and be sent packing.

And speaking of blame, what kind of idiot is Trump for chastising Lennox for overexposing his celebrity? I mean, how do you overexpose someone with that charisma? How many commercials was Mr. Whipple in? Over 500, according to wikipedia. The Trix rabbit has been around since 1969. And what about the Verizon guy? Charlie Tuna? Madge the Manicurist? The “Time to make the donuts” guy? There are dozens more examples, but the point is, if you have a successful spokesperson, you use them. Not to mention that whoever pointed it out was right – each client was new and had no idea that Lennox had been used before. Once again, what works in this game doesn’t have to work in real life – as David Bloomberg has pointed out, this game encourages short-term thinking.

Besides, I’d take a lot more stock in that advice if it didn’t come from a man that didn’t brand his own name on everything short of sex toys. At least, I hope he’s stopped there.

Trace: I started to make a joke about how your name is appropriate, seeing as we’ve only seen small traces of you, but thought that was too dumb even for me.

You are also a great marketer and a “go to” guy. Your contributions have been nothing short of brilliant and I commend you for them. Plus, you’re a damn good singer with a killer voice – you could sing the phone book and every woman in earshot would swoon. My advice to you is the same as to Lennox, that you need to stand out to win, and my fear about your first run as PM is the same. I also advise you to find a way to use that voice to your advantage, especially singing. If Lennox is the face of Hydra, Trace should ALWAYS be the voice.

Empresario:

Ranks among the worst names ever. I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be a play on “impress” or “empress” or what, but it says nothing while sounding weak. And would it be wrong of me to point out that the only challenge the women won regarded shoes?

Carol: You’re a good soldier and, Vinnie mole issues aside, seemed to come through when it counted as PM. I never doubted that you have a good head on your shoulders, as everything I’ve ever heard about you has been positive. Besides, I doubt you could have survived this long in the modeling world, much less been such a pioneer, if you were a nitwit.

I actually didn’t like the Croc-shaped box, the fact that I despise Crocs having nothing to do with it. I thought it was unwieldy and didn’t focus enough on the issue at hand, which was the charity. It looked like a fancy holder for the Croc version of Imelda Marcos – like the giant Darth Vader head-shaped storage box I had for my Star Wars figures all those years ago.

OK, so maybe it wasn’t that long ago.

Fine. They’re in my closet about five feet away. Happy?

In any case, Carol, from what I’ve seen you have an excellent chance to win this game. The best chance of any of the women, actually. You’ve made no enemies (no legitimate ones – I’m looking at you, Omarosa) and have done a fine job as both soldier and leader. For you to be fired will take a major-league meltdown on your part. We’ve seen how one bad decision can lead to a firing on this show, and I hope that doesn’t happen to you.

If I had to bet, I’d go with you and Lennox as the final two.

Nely: You’re a joke. Remember Ivana from season two, who should have been fired in week two and was saved by Bradford stupidly giving up his immunity? Then she embarrassed herself and the next ten generations of her family by stripping off her skirt to sell a candy bar. Both Hall of Shame moments, as the links illustrate.

This is going to happen again. You should have been fired both in weeks two and three and were saved both times by the stupidity of your team. You’ve already embarrassed yourself numerous times by showing a cluelessness (hats? REALLY? HATS?) and naiveté (breathing exercises?) that no businessperson, much less an executive, should have. Not to mention that you seem constantly starstruck. I don’t know if you have a boss to report to, but if I were your boss, I’d be eliminating all proof that I ever knew you.

What have you done wrong? Let’s see. In week two, you underutilized Nadia and then blamed her for your failure to deliver a strong concept and manage the project in a timely manner. You failed in your line of expertise! Miserably! You should have been fired in week two, but Nadia had no backbone to defend herself.

Then, at the beginning of episode three, you were sobbing uncontrollably, complaining about how hard the boardroom was. You built Telemundo more or less from the ground up, helped launch HBO Ole, and this boardroom brought you to tears? How is this possible? It’s like Joe Buck being nervous about describing his son’s little league game. Could it be, like Ivana’s “oh God,” you realized that you should have been gone instead?

Later, you fawned all over Gene Simmons like a schoolgirl. Women seem to do this for some reason and I’ll never understand why, so I’ll cut you some slack on this one. You completely blew the meeting with the Kodak people, and I’m willing to bet that they blamed Gene’s ignoring the business plan to you not being able to shut up. Again, you’ve done this before, how could it be so difficult? I don’t get it.

Basically, extending the Ivana comparison, the only way you didn’t go home in week three was Gene falling on his sword (more on that later). Trump was practically BEGGING Gene to let him fire you (and I don’t know why he just didn’t do it, as he’s done it before) and Gene let you off the hook – and the worst part is, you didn’t even seem to figure that out.

In week four, you lost your team the task when your contacts did not come through in time with their money. I don’t really blame you for this, but had the money come in, you would have won. Marilu should have thrown you under the bus but once again, you were saved because the focus was on another teammate, Jennie – a firing that could be justified, sure, but not over someone who screwed up royally three weeks in a row!

There is no advice I can give you short of pulling some miraculous project-saving idea out of your ass and making people forget the last few weeks, and frankly, I don’t think you have that in you.

Marilu: To most people, you’re Elaine Nardo, but to me, I’ll always love you for being Lil Dangerously. “Oh, Johnny! I love shelf paper!” How many people could carry off that line convincingly?

You’re doing well. You fall somewhere between Jennie and Omarosa in the cut-throat category, in that you know business but you’re not going to trample someone to get it done, although you might hurt a few feelings. You do business with your heart, which can be effective.

My advice to you is to watch your back. I don’t think you have a chance to win this game with some of these personalities around, but that doesn’t mean you can’t go down swinging.

Omarosa: You’re a useless bitch and you don’t belong on this show except to make catty remarks and talk down to everyone. I look forward to another crying spree when you’re fired.

I will give you credit for the idea of the Croc-shaped bin, as I believe that was what won your team the challenge. But can I point out – recycled Crocs? Ewww!

Fired/Quit:

Vincent: As I mentioned, the double-agent thing started as a joke but went way too far. Yes, it was Piers’ idea, but you had no problem with it. It was your idea to join the women instead of simply spy. The flaw was that, halfway through, you decided you didn’t like your role (or maybe you decided the women would win and figured it was a good chance to get rid of Piers) and changed sides.

The women found out, through the brilliant deduction of Piers rubbing it in their faces. The look of shock on Omarosa’s face was a beautiful moment I’ll carry with me for a long time. I seriously can’t believe this never occurred to any of them. Some of them didn’t believe it when Piers told them! And they wonder why they lost four in a row?

In any case, Vinnie got mad when Piers revealed the plan. Why? Because it blew HIS plan to be a double-agent, not because it blew the plan to spy. They already had everything they needed from Vinnie’s spying. But Vinnie wanted it both ways.

But the fatal blow was when Vinnie refused to return to Hydra, which made no sense to me. He had a plan of action and carried through on it, and should have just returned to normal. He could have used it against Piers and Stephen, who certainly wasn’t opposed to the plan while he was laughing his butt off. By acting like a child and not wanting to rejoin the team, Vinnie doomed himself.

Really, this wasn’t the first time. Vinnie wasn’t much of a team player the entire time. He was a good soldier in doing what he was told, but complained about it more than anyone. He acted put out when nominated for PM. He just didn’t seem like he wanted to be there, even when giving his ex-wife (and have there ever been a pair less alike?) the check for winning his challenge, which, ironically, Piers won for him.

He didn’t play the game. Piers did. Piers is still there, and I still don’t understand why the two didn’t like each other.

Oh, and I would be remiss in not mentioning the hilarious Sopranos ending. It was obvious and cheesy, yes, but there’s a reason broad comedy like that works.

Jennie: Oh, Jennie. My Apprentice girlfriend. You’re beautiful, sexy, intelligent, athletic, and a hard worker. And you couldn’t cut it in the cutthroat business world, which made me love you all the more. In any case, it’s refreshing to see a celebrity (and you are a celebrity, don’t ever doubt that) with her head screwed on right and her priorities straight. For once, I agree with Trump – the fact that you don’t belong in that world is a very good thing.

Gene: First, I get to take this chance to plug my good friend and fellow RNO-writer Dale Sherman’s soon-to-be-updated book, Black Diamond. I especially like it because I know Gene hates KISS projects that he doesn’t have a piece of.

I argued vehemently against the inclusion of Gene into the HOS (although he deserves to be in MANY Halls of Shame for MANY reasons) for the simple fact that… God help me… I agreed with him.

His was the superior concept and let’s not even go into the design. His flaw was that he didn’t have twenty thousand Kinko’s-copied signs shouting “INK!!” all over his trailer. He came up with a great design, showcased both the product and the company at the same time, and had a winning slogan. I’m sorry, but if I’m an executive rolling out a new product that I want to be done a certain way, and someone comes along and gives me a GOLDEN idea that’s ten times better than what I had, I’m changing my approach.

Believe you me, I’m no bigger fan of Gene Simmons the marketer (Remember Tongue Magazine, anyone? Anyone?), but I can admit when he’s right, and he was right.

Now, I think it’s pretty obvious by now that Gene wasn’t stupid in the boardroom, he quit. I think everyone except Trump and that moron who yells about stock tips have figured that out. But you may not know why. Gene, as a businessman, believes that his way is the best way and WILL NOT entertain any other views. Ironically, he was on the wrong side of that same philosophy.

Anyway, when Gene was told that his version of events was wrong, he disagreed. In effect, he said, “If my product is considered losing by your rules, then I don’t want to win.” Once he was told his idea wasn’t good enough, he might as well have hit the elevator because he was on the way downstairs.

I’m not sure if I respect him for that or think he’s a self-absorbed loon. But since I think the latter anyway, I’ll just say that Gene made the right choice for Gene and move on.

Nadia: You were so forgettable I had to check the site to see who was second fired. I think that about says it all.

Tiffany: Your reason for being fired was absolute BS. How many of the women called their famous friends? I think Trump glommed onto that so he could talk about his “good friend Yuuuuuh Hefner” about seventy times.

Mike DeGeorge is a lead Accounting peon in St. Louis. He welcomes your feedback at rno.mike@gmail.com.

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