Survivor: The Hatch Rematch on Rosie!

Rosie O'Donnell began her new season on September 5 with six selected members of Survivor. Rosie said she only had on the ones that she wanted. The six were, in order of appearance, Gretchen, Rudy, Susan, Colleen, Gervase, and Richard.

Gretchen was introduced as the person who Rosie said should have won. The most interesting revelation of their discussion was that Gretchen said she knew there was an alliance as they went into the vote after the tribes combined because Richard had asked a producer if the person winning immunity can still vote. She figured that it wouldn't matter unless you were putting together a voting bloc. Why is this interesting? Because the Pagong members had been talking about the possibility of an alliance among the Tagi, but nothing had ever been shown indicating why they might have thought that at first. A number of people wondered if cameramen or others might have spilled the beans off-camera, a definite no-no. Now it turns out that Richard gave himself away! (Not that it mattered, since the Pagong didn't clue in to their own impending doom until it was too late.)

At the end of the segment, Rosie gave Gretchen a t-shirt with the word "Alliances" across it and the universal symbol for "no" (the red circle/slash) across it – no alliances! She said that without alliances, Gretchen would have won. But just before this, Gretchen said that Richard deserved to win.

Rudy came out next, and we were treated to a collection of some of his greatest non-politically-correct hits in clips. He talked briefly about his "million-dollar slip" in the final immunity challenge and said that his navy pals thought his alliance with a homosexual was pretty funny – especially when he was rubbing suntan lotion on Rich's back! He noted what is perhaps the most important part of all of his "queer" remarks – "Rich don't care." If Rich doesn't care, why should anybody else?

Rosie gave Rudy a digital recording device so he'd remember things (she cited his failing memory at the immunity challenge where they were supposed to answer questions pasted onto masks in the jungle, but Rudy just answered "I dunno" to everything). In return, he gave her a t-shirt saying "We love you Rudy, ‘but not in a homosexual way, that's for sure!'"

Next came Susan, who was Rosie's original favorite to win, but who turned Rosie (and many others) against her with her snake/rat/vultures speech at the jury portion of the show. Rosie wanted Susan to apologize to America for her speech, but Susan would have none of it. She explained her speech by saying, "If you've got gas, fart… If you've got something inside of you, let it go." The more Rosie pressed, the more Susan would refer to the farting aspect of her comparison, and the closest she got to apologizing was to say, "I was a little to easy on that speech." Rosie even tried to blackmail her into apologizing, noting that she is known for giving things away to guests, but Susan still would have none of it. Rosie said she could have until later to change her mind.

Gervase and Colleen came out together for the next segment. Gervase admitted (as if there was any doubt) that he "had no skills whatsoever." Colleen reaffirmed her claim that she had not slept with Greg and that her statements were all sarcasm. Later, Rosie told the world that she had seen Colleen go to the Pokemon movie by herself. It was not exactly the most thrilling segment of the show.

Finally, Richard came out. Rosie asked what he thought of himself on the show, and Richard said he watched every minute and liked himself. He repeated his oft-quoted statement that he was "as ethical as I could be." He also explained that his original strategy actually went straight down the tubes within the first few minutes on the island. His plan was to show everybody else how they could get through the conflict and make it to the combination of the two tribes. That was quickly blown away, so he had to rethink it, which was what he said he was doing sitting on the tree branch in the first episode. Obviously, his reworked plan did just fine.

He further explained that he originally had a pact with Susan to get to the final two, and therefore had told Rudy that he couldn't make such a pact with him. But when Susan admitted to him that she had been working with Kelly, Richard immediately made a new deal with Rudy. This is almost certainly what he means when he says he played ethically – he knew he had a deal with Susan and would not break that – until he found out she had.

On a different note, he mentioned his arrest for child abuse, said the charges were totally false, and explained that he is suing the state and the child and family services department in an attempt to change the system.

The final part of the show was "The Hatch Rematch," in which all five other contestants played against Richard. Rosie told Susan she could only play if she apologized, so Susan finally gave in to the blackmail and uttered a quick "I'm sorry" that it was obvious she did not mean. Frankly, it was annoying that Rosie kept pushing for an apology that everybody knew would be meaningless, especially since Susan has explained on other shows that she wouldn't apologize for something that she meant at the time.

"The Hatch Rematch" consisted of a series of questions, with the first one to five being the winner. In each case, Richard rang in to try to answer the question that it was obvious he could not (with one exception, see below), so it was a pretty funny segment overall.

What high school did Gervase go to? (Richard answered something about a school in New Jersey. Gervase answered "Holy Cross High School.")

What is Colleen's favorite Pokemon? (Richard answered, "Beetlejuice." Colleen answered with the correct one, which might have been something like "Jesse and James", but the answer was mostly unintelligible.)

What is Rudy's wife's maiden name? (Richard answered "Marge." Rudy answered "Thomas.")

What is Gretchen's shoe size? (Richard answered "14" before hearing the whole question. Gretchen answered "9 ½.")

What did Richard wear to bed last night? (Richard got this one right – "nothing.")

What did Sue have for dinner last night? (Richard tried to answer "gas" but Susan answered "Filet Mignon.")

So Richard won the consolation prize – a box of rice. The other five won much better prizes – a 2001 Pontiac Aztec for each of them, the same car that Richard is supposed to get in addition to his million dollars for winning (he said he hasn't seen it yet). The other five were ecstatic, to put it mildly.

Overall, it wasn't as good as having new episodes of Survivor, but it was definitely amusing at times. If you missed it, well, you've got all the important info here!